if it's too late why is he still here?

[mahhhty]

Happy (belated) Mom's Day Lost!

Sounds like a nice day on the water. Seeing him constantly it is even harder to not be detached. I know it doesn't seem like it but you are always making progress. Its not about doing what works, keep experimenting and find what works!

[lost18]

I'm going in circles. I think it's time to look at the reasons I want to save this marriage. I wrote them down as suggested by another marriage saving site, podcast actually.

I will have to find time to give more details on what has been buzzing in my mind. At what point is trying to save my marriage overlapping with being a doormat?

He has a lot of time at home alone, all week from 830 to at least 3 if I'm working...he could at least have the decency to limit his texting (that he feels the need to hide) to that time frame. I think I'll have to look into that rubber band trick..

For the next couple of months I'm going to sit tight and try to focus on being the best me I can be.

I know I need to check on y'all but time for me to go recite the Serenity Prayer a bazillion times and go to sleep!

Thanks for all the support and Mom's Day wishes!

[RAI]

I will not check how often my W is texting OM
I will not check how often my W is texting OM
I will not check how often my W is texting OM
I will not check how often my W is texting OM
I will not check how often my W is texting OM
Wow! This is much easier to write since cut/copy/paste was invented.
Losty, my friend, I have actually NOT checked my W's phone record for about one week. I feel great about it. I won't say I don't think about doing it. Eventually I will have to, just to collect info for my L. But for now ignorance is bliss. Perhaps you and I should make a wager who can go longer without checking. Sportsman's bet, of course. Starting today, if you're game.

I know it's hard because your H does it right in front of you. Tonight I was at an event with OM. Hate the sight of him. He was texting the entire time. I have no idea whom, but I can make an educated guess. But you know what? I don't care. Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they are getting the best of you. Act "as if". You will be better for it regardless.

Your fellow snooper,

RAI

[mahhhty]

What does your coach say about it?

Wouldn't you feel better if you just confronted him?

[Calibri]

What does your coach say about it?

Wouldn't you feel better if you just confronted him?

For real.

Lost18, I've been following your sitch for awhile but never really had anything helpful to say. But seriously, (and I say this with all respect), how long are you going to let this go around and around? I understand not wanting to know what he might say, or that it might blow up - but from where I'm sitting, there's going to be no forward movement of any kind until the texting issue gets addressed and or possible resolved for you.

The carousel never stops turning. But you can choose to get off it.

[lost18]

I'll take that bet RAI...but I'm not "snooping" per say. I have no idea who or how often he is texting or his internet usage. Just him hiding his texting and phone...

Would I feel better if I confronted him? Maybe initially but not sure about the long run. Although I'm losing hope that there will be any change (my sister thinks for something life altering has to happen for him) I at this point still want to save my marriage.

You're both right though, I will add that to my list of questions for my next session with my DB coach. I've been confused because DB says NOT to confront, bring up R talk etc. and that I should be acting as if.

As I said before, time to reevaluate what I REALLY want and what I'm doing to get there....

[mahhhty]

Morning Lost... I reordered your sentences to respond better.

You're both right though, I will add that to my list of questions for my next session with my DB coach. I've been confused because DB says NOT to confront, bring up R talk etc. and that I should be acting as if.

I think you have to understand what the DB coach says. I also think your explanation of DB'ing is perhaps only partly right. DB'ing is not the idea to NOT confront the other person. It is about doing what works and doing 180s. That is my perspective. I think the no confrontation piece is only if you are the pursuer while implementing LRT.

Would I feel better if I confronted him? Maybe initially but not sure about the long run. Although I'm losing hope that there will be any change (my sister thinks for something life altering has to happen for him) I at this point still want to save my marriage.

This kind of gets me a little funky. I can see my W in this sentence. Perhaps she did everything you are doing, but I never responded just as he is not responding. Once you drop a bomb, if he does want to save the R, he will go through this life changing time (as I have). It wasn't my W's words that got me, it was her actions to get rid of me. I caution you to not fall into that trap or be so incredibly upset with him (about what you think is going on, b/c honestly you don't know what is happening right now) that you can never reconcile.

As I said before, time to reevaluate what I REALLY want and what I'm doing to get there....

I know you really want a long healthy relationship with you family in one piece. Do what works to get it. The challenge will be navigating those waters to find it.

[RAI]

Losty,

"Just give me a reason" has become one of my new faves, thanks to you. I have been stuck musically in the past (the 80's, mostly). I just realized that one of my 180s is to join the present, musically speaking. Makes me feel younger! I'm even listening to My Love by Route 94. I have never. ever. ever. listened to House music. Something very attractive about the song - can't put my finger on it. One thing I noticed is that today's music is very very explicit (esp the videos). I am trying to avoid that stuff.

RAI

[lost18]

Love it...and the 80's! Yes, doesn't leave much to the imagination sometimes, "Pour some sugar on me" what does that even mean!

[lost18]

This kind of gets me a little funky. I can see my W in this sentence. Perhaps she did everything you are doing, but I never responded just as he is not responding. Once you drop a bomb, if he does want to save the R, he will go through this life changing time (as I have). It wasn't my W's words that got me, it was her actions to get rid of me. I caution you to not fall into that trap or be so incredibly upset with him (about what you think is going on, b/c honestly you don't know what is happening right now) that you can never reconcile.

I know you really want a long healthy relationship with you family in one piece. Do what works to get it. The challenge will be navigating those waters to find it.

I guess I'm confused about that first part a bit. I get not falling into a trap or being so upset because I think "I know" what is going on...but he dropped the bomb and shows no signs of making any effort or internal changes.

I do really want a loving, healthy relationship with my family in one piece, that I do know. I just am not sure what works or if anything will work...sometimes it just doesn't matter how many changes or how awesome a person becomes : ) the other person may never look back...sad but true.

I have the house to myself for few hours tonight...a rare occurrence lately. I tried to get a coaching session but it was last minute and my coach wasn't available.

I have been doing very well with my healthy eating! Proud of myself, hopefully I will start to feel my clothes fitting better soon.

I may be back a little later, I am going to get a little exercise in (my car is in the shop so I couldn't go run the trail tonight.)