if it's too late why is he still here?

[mahhhty]

I love your GAL activities and I hear you about frustrating the hell out of yourself.

I'd really like you to explain why with no proof you continue to think he is texting some woman? It could be online gambling. It could be porn. It could be "fill in the blank." I think for you either confront him (which might be a 180) or find a way to let it go (perhaps a rubber band on the wrist).

[lost18]

Texting an OW just makes the most sense...yes it could be porn or something else...not gambling. I'm sure he is not texting OW everytime I think he is....for example today I thought he may be and he showed me pic his buddy sent him. For right now I just need to figure out how to let it go, which is very difficult.

I think it's time for me to pull back but have to have a coaching session first. It seems recently, when I've made myself available (re hanging out on lanai) he is pulling back. So I'm going to say that is not working.

Tonight D13 has a dance at school, he is dropping her off, probably going out (he sprayed some cologne before he left) and then will pick her up at 9. I made sure since I have softball.

there has always been things going on in life (never a good time) his back, Christmas, end of the school year, vacation that I have kept using as excuses to put off any confrontations. There will always be something, right now I'm leaning toward after he gets back from vacation (which will be sometime after us) of just telling him I can't live this way anymore, that it isn't what I want but if he doesn't want to put any effort into this marriage that he needs to tell the kids and find a place of his own. I know I'm a great person with a lot to offer someone, I would like it to be him but at some point enough is going to be enough. I also plan on being physically in better shape so he can eat his heart out!

Ok, so I know that's a ways a way and who knows what will happen between now and then and I know I change my mind a few times a month....

On a positive note I found a new book (audio for the car). I've been listening to podcasts on how to save your marriage and 5LL in the car. Was looking for a new book and as I was looking decided I wanted a break from those geared toward marriage...I found "Spartan Up!" If you are familiar with the Spartan Obstacle Races the author is one of the founders of that. I'm only a few chapters in but so far it's a great choice. It's about overcoming obstacles...:)

Have a great weekend everyone!

[lost18]

I really need to detach and let go. I am back on a downward swing. Some of the things he has been doing the past couple of weeks are wacky.

Today, D13 and I took off and were on our way to a tournament 3 hours away. Something started going weird with the car. I called him half jokingly and asked him if we broke down if he would come get us. I told him what was going on and he said we should turn around and come home. Long story short, that is what I ended up doing.

He had the boat hooked up to the truck and had washed it up and I said "we should put the boat in the water." He said "what do you think I hooked it up for, I'm going fishing tomorrow." OK, didn't invite myself, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Later he was texting openly so that doesn't raise any red flags. I guess it must have been D16 because then him and D13 started having a quiet conversation and I heard him ask "what do you want to get mom?"

Went out on the lanai to chat a little bit about D13s attitude she had this morning but because he has been so distant I left it at that and let him be, cleaned up the kitchen, did some laundry and watched tv... he was working on the boat and then he went on his computer.

Around 6 he gets in the shower and I hear him shaving. I assumed he was going out. D13 was in the pool and I was out there with her, he came out, put his wallet in his pocket and what not. Honestly, I was trying not to show my frustration openly, I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, very easy to tell my emotions...it's a curse! Anyway, about 10-15 minutes later he says he's leaving. D13 asks where he's going which leads to another conversation about him going to next town to see old army buddy who lives there now. He has mixed feelings because he feels this friend blames him for his D 18 years ago but said that's who he was chatting with and he seems cool but he's putting his pistol in the car just in case. WTF? We had a conversation about it, he's laughing but it's just so weird. He leaves, comes back about 5 minutes later and says he forgot to give D13 a kiss goodbye....I wonder if he thought he'd catch me trying to snoop. D13 thought he was acting really weird, asked me what was wrong with him. D16 has made comments over the past week or so about Dad going thru MLC...

I'm so frustrated, mostly with myself. I should be way more detached at this point. I guess I think if he's out physically with an OW it would change things for me somewhat...not that I want a D, but I can't continue to physically live with him. I'm really questioning what I'm doing. I think it's time to step back and start fresh. I really just want to cry right now but I can't....

[lost18]

Then it seemed he wasn't answering girls texts or calls. D16 called D13 because she was out shopping and needed Dad to transfer her money (presumably for a gift for me). D13 then texted H and he did not respond. I just asked and D16 if she got in touch with Dad and she did....I need to let go but it is very difficult while he still lives here.

[lost18]

"NO WAS will return to a marriage he/she left,

UNLESS

he/she believes that marriage can be better/different.

It's your job to demonstrate that you are different and thus, the marriage could be.

(Yes, yes we know SHE has her own work and issues to deal with...but for now, she may not be able to see that and it's certainly not the time to bring it up. But that time will come)."

doing some reading and came across this (from 25) I've seen it quite often and it makes sense.

I'm trying to answer that question and I am not sure what the answer is. There are definitely some differences, but I'm not sure he sees that the M overall would be different. I can say the way he interacts with me hasn't changed much...

My sister said that the way we interact has always been him in control and me giving in? Not sure exactly what she said but him in the drivers seat and me along for the ride is probably a good way to put it....and she said that hasn't changed. That is a big one...I'm not sure how to change it...

[Zues126]

lost, you've gone through so much. I understand your frustration at not having detached more, but I so admire your loyalty and character despite it's futility at times.

M's have definitely come back from here, and while this feels like an eternity now, I'm glad you're thinking of the greater picture.

Have you used a DB coach in the past? I can see what your sister is saying. Even how you've been "turning the other cheek" for so long is a form of giving in. I think it's absolutely the right thing to do at times, but I'm curious what a DB coach would say at this point. There is a fine line between showcasing 180s and allowing him to cake eat.

Just wanted to let you know we're following and I, for one, wish there were more like you out there. The world would be a better place.

[Bob723]

Just wanted to let you know we're following and I, for one, wish there were more like you out there. The world would be a better place.

Lost,

Thank you for posting such nice words of encouragement in my thread.

I am riding Zues' coat tails here . . . I wish there were more like you out there.

Have you considered a DB coach? I'm not really sure what to advise other than that. Your situation is a tricky one to show you've changed. I think an expert could help you with some solid tips.

((((Lost18))))

[lost18]

Wow Zues, you have no idea how that lifted my spirits. It's funny how you can bond with people you've never met and they can have such a positive influence in your life. Thank you!

I don't know where he went last night, I guess I'm going to try to accept that he went to his friends. He came home with McDonalds around 1130. He and D13 were eating I came out and he threw me a burger. (I didn't eat it!) No lipstick on his collar or feminine smells...

This morning he wished me a happy mother's day. Later D13 was watching tv and I was on the computer and he came in and asked if we wanted to go on the boat. We both said yes. He asked if I could run up and get some subs and beer. I got ready quickly and did that and made sure I did not take too long at the store. We had to wait for D16 to get home and I wanted to be ready to go (180). D13 helped pack the boat up so we were waiting on D16 (not me! yay!).

It was a beautiful day on the water and it was nice to just relax (and both my girls were with me and S19 had called!). A friend had met us out there as well. He went thru a pretty crappy divorce the last couple of years. As far as I know he doesn't know what's going on with us.

When we got home I made sure to help unload the boat and put things away. He told me previously that he started to not enjoy going on the boat and such because he felt he was always the one doing all the work, I guess that would be another 180 for me.

I have been doing really well with my eating as well for the past few days! Even with being on the boat all day I didn't do too bad...I had one Angry Orchard and then ordered pizza for dinner as well as Brownies and a giant cookie....H brought me one of each but I only ate the brownie and a bite of the cookie. Although that wasn't exactly healthy I still did pretty good with my calorie intake....and hey, it is mother's day!

I have some more thoughts but they will have to wait because I am tired and need to get ready for bed...4 days of work this week!

Hope all he Moms (and acting moms) had a great Mother's Day!

[overcom]

Hi lost. I feel you about the texting. Every time he gets a text I'm like thinking ugh it's her.

[Zues126]

Sounds like an awesome day with a ton of 180s...including your having a great time with your H despite the looming issues. Inspiring. Can't wait to hear what's on your mind.

Happy MD!