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MCS how are you?


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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Hey all,

Thanks for checking in. I'm doing good still. It feels like things are back to normal-ish. I find myself not dwelling over things I once used to. The pain is still there and I see that there is still some deep down anger as a parent about what has happened to our kids. Objectively looking back, our marriage had little conflict or issues at all. I believe this is still a case of a kindred spirit that didn't adapt to the ebb and flow of life. This is not saying there were things that I wouldn't change and I am working on them. However, my anger seems to lie on the fact that I never had a chance to work on the marriage together with her. I look back and I was fooled into thinking everything was okay. I've accepted that with me, but with kids it's still a very tough pill to swallow.

In saying that, I've adjusted. Most people say I seem much better than I have since this all started and I do feel that way.

Talking about the new Relationship:
For me, it's an interesting dichotomy. One one hand, connecting and getting to know someone is refreshing, but also the reminders of situations, environments, discussions, etc. that are nostalgic of my M are still somewhat sorrowful. I lost my younger sister a few years back and the same feelings of sorrow seem to be prevalent in these situations. However, just like grief of a death, the reminders are not paralyzing and are more of a reminder of the past instead of a roadblock to the future.

It's good, because we are both dealing with our own sitches separately but helping each other along the way. We've talked and know we can't solve the others' problems and I see this as personal growth in how I react/advise about her sitch. I do a lot more listening, hold back from solving and also I see myself reducing any judgement of things. Also, I find myself saying what's in my mind. I found that no fault of my WW in the M, but I became muted in expressing myself and that probably exsaserbated WW issues in the marriage. If I thought she looked good, I assumed she knew and wouldn't say anything. Now I see that was not wrong, but also not good.

With the kids and communication with WW, it's still an Epic struggle, but I realize it is getting ever so slightly better. She had the kids for Father's Day and would have appreciated if she had set up a call or text from them (she would have done this for anyone before.) I'm not sure if it was to hurt me, she didn't think about it or whatever else, but I got them back and was heading with them on vacation today so I tried not to let it bother me. I'm at the point that I'm stoic enough to pick the battles for things with the kids and this wasn't one of them. I have no clue how she is actually doing, but that doesn't really matter much right now. No more talk about her putting papers in for the S. I'm expecting them and won't be too surprised or traumatized if/when I get them.

So overall, much better. I'm still healing and I'm not sure how long if ever that will take, but I'm in a much better place right now.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Hey MCS - It looks like I hadn't been on your thread for a long time, because I didn't know that you had disclosed so much about your dating. I had read it between the lines of your message on my own thread though.

It's interesting that you met an LBS. It is probably very bonding for the two of you, a topic that's close to your hearts and that someone can understand, probably also taking your side. As you know, I've nothing against dating-while-separated and even practice it myself, though I'm wary of excessive emotional attachment at this stage. For as long as I feel I would be interested to (not just consider) R, I feel like I cannot make a commitment to a new person.

I'll add that yes, it can be strange to end up in the "fog" of a new relationship ourselves. I've seen myself texting until the wee hours of the night, much to my amusement. It's tremendous fun to feel this enthusiastic about someone. It's also great to realize how far we can go, how much more open we can be early on as we develop a relationship. Even in bed, there is no routine. Makes me think of the saying (by MWD?): "It's not that people fall out of love, but that they stop doing what made them fall in love." I wish I could find a way to "reset" myself a couple of times a year in a long-term relationship.

Keep posting because your sitch is really not over and it helps me to see how things are going to you. I just renewed my thread and will also keep posting.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Slowly MCS.

Keep us in the loop.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Just got back from a week-long vacation with the kids. We had a blast, did a lot of things and enjoyed ourselves. I have to say, there was definitely a push by me to make this a 'Single Parent' vacation. Even though I was staying with family; I decided that I would venture out with the kids by myself. Took them to the museum, the zoo, an amusement park. It was really good, I found that I was comfortable and was impressed with my 'preparedness' as things came up. Kids wanted to go play in the fountain down the city? Sure, Dad's got a change of clothes packed in his bag. Train delayed? pull out the crayons and coloring books. Regardless, it was a really fun time with them.

Other than that, not too much more to report. WW picked up the kids on Saturday and as she was leaving, it was pouring and I said 'bye' and she gave a slight wave back. I think it was instinctual. Wow the bar is pretty low, but I'm definitely at the point that my focus is to try and improve our relationship for the welfare of the kids. That means for me, its being cordial and keeping my mouth shut. I'm even at the point, that if I had the opportunity, I'm not sure if anything constructive about the sitch could be said, so silence is best.

Anyway, still doing well. Thanks for checking in on me.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
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MCS- Im glad you are still doing well and you and the kids had a good time. I have to ask you, what was your turning point. I remember a time where you were hanging onto your wife's actions and words, pining for contact. Now...I feel this is a new you. And Im happy for you. But what was your turning point?


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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TLEE,

I'm not sure if it was one turning point, but I do remember getting to the point of wondering what 'I' was fearful of. True, all of the effect of the sitch on the kids had me caught up for months, and then I accepted there wasn't much I could do about that. Then, when looking at myself I wasn't sure what I was scared of...would I meet someone inthe future? Probably. love again? Probably. Have the companionship? Probably. I really had nothing too bad to worry about. I was upset about the sitch, was surviving, but knew at some point I'd be okay. I think then pushing myself to try and reach out and push myself to go beyond just 'waiting' is what did it and I saw that I could be happy and comfortable w/o WW.

Also, I accepted that WW was not the person I married and the 'light switch' was not going to just instantly switch, at that point, I saw how fractured her interactions were with me and knew that if there was an R, it would be in the time of years, not days, weeks or months. At that point I knew I wouldn't be able just to 'wait' for a change for that long.

In saying that, it's easier to look back and assess, but I don't think I realized I was progressing during the whole thing.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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MCS

If you reread your thread can you see the pivot points?

And if so what were they?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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V,

Yeah, I need to go back through but I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that right now. Just because I'm sure its going to conjure up some of the feelings that I had at the time.

I will attribute one to you particularly remembering back. You had said something about how I still needed to live my life and not just 'wait' for WW to wake up. It took a couple weeks/months, but slowly I started to see that the purgatory of just waiting was taking a toll on me. I will go back through and see where the changes were, maybe in another month or so.

I also see that the IC that I had was much more getting me through the grief and not necessarily things I needed to 'change' about me. I think she saw that I was comfortable with myself outside of the sitch and just worked on small things that I needed to realize, such that the kids would cope through it, WW didn't want me to save her, etc. This is much different than when I first got there and was pleading with her to figure out what was wrong with me that WW just up and left.

Last edited by MCS; 07/07/15 11:45 PM.

M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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MCS

I understand how painful the journey with WW has been for you.

In your time and space you will know how far you have come. The waiting has finished and closure awaits round the corner.

At some stage you will be ready to take the step to review the past and see your journey.

You have done well to develop your knowledge so greatly. Some day WW will heal too, that may be short or long. You share beautiful children together who wear sandals in the snow, and fur hats in sunshine, enjoy that aspect, I see you smiling with this whimsy very soon.

You have cut the rope to be your own man and father, which lets WW be free to be her own woman and mother.
V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/09/15 12:18 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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