Thanks for the update MCS. I am happy for you, sounds like you've really learned alot about everything thats happened, and about yourself. Doing what you want to be doing, making new connections, discovering things, and "not being complacent" about anything. Id encourage you to keep up these activities because it really seems to be working for you.
As for WAW, thats on her. If she's motivated by the $ or just waiting for August to roll around, well...thats on her. All you can do is just focus on you and the family which you've been doing so kudos to you. Have faith and keep your head up.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
So, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post so I figured I'd give a little update.
I'm doing so much better. I see now that my last nine months, I've just been waiting for WW to have a sudden change of mind, but I know that it's not going to happen that way. She's been avoiding me at all costs for, I have no idea why. A part of me thinks it's because she can't validate the mean spirited person that she's made me out to be in her head, or maybe it is she still has feelings for me. It doesn't matter. I needed to take a break and it feels like this may be the point that I'm done. In fact, I am pretty sure I am. I've thought about it so much and I see that I don't want this person back without huge sweeping changes. Even if this were to happen, it's going to take a long, long time for any semblance of a R to start to form. I can't live like that for however long. I realize now how much damage has been done to our M, ourselves, our kids, our families and so on because of the A and at this point, it would be start from scratch because we are both so different than before. I see myself stronger and more confident and the opposite for her, but I can't help her with that anymore nor am I going to try.
So, I want to thank everyone here for all that this board has given me, I feel so much stronger and balanced than I did before all of this happened and without a doubt; it was because of everyone here. This is a place of healing and a Godsend for all of us.
I'll try to pay it forward as much as I can, but a part of me feels like posting here is reverting back to the pause that I have had over the last year. However, I'll keep lurking and seeing how everyone is doing. Hopefully, we all can repair ourselves regardless of the outcome of our M.
Thanks so much.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Your experiences and contributions to the forum have been invaluable. It's been a real honor to follow your story. I hope that DB has had a place in your moving on.
Who knows. A decade later you may want to recall the journey you took when you first got here.
Thanks for asking. Just checking in right now, so no time to post. I'll see if I can get back tonight and give a run down. However, the short of it is doing really good for myself. Not worried about the future and that's liberating.
--MCS
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks for checking back in. Here's an update, as I said I'm doing really good.
WW Status - Email contact has increased, well..because she wants something. Rumor has it that WW is out of money and is looking to try to finalize paperwork as much as possible in order to get her 'settlement' quickly from me buying her out of the house. I'm not sure she realizes its still going to be at least 6 months after August (1 year from her leaving) at the earliest. Not my place to tell her. She want's financials from me, but when I ask about stuff with kids in the agreement, she gets quiet. She still has not really connected back with her friends and frankly I'm not sure how she is doing.
Kid Status - They seem to be adapting. I see a little difference between 'going to mom's' and 'going to dad's.' I may be reading into it, but it seems like they are more comfortable here (marital home.) There's still no contact at all when they are at the other's house. For me, I think I've begrudgingly accept that there's nothing I can do about only spending half my time with them.
GAL Status - Much better, I've just decided not to say no to things. Nothing recurring, but spending more time out with friends, kayaking, whatever.
Dating Status - (I do think I just put that there....) Well, V was right the online thing was probably a more serious step than I thought. To summarize, inexplicably connected with another LBS going through very, very similar sitch. We hit it off and have really helped each other in our sitches, both knowing that everything around us in our lives is dynamic. Still both pretty much DBing to understand and grow ourselves through this, but understanding our lives also can't be on hold 'waiting' for our WAS. Very careful balance of ensuring that we are not ignoring sitch, stability, kids, work and the myriad of other things, but also taking time for ourselves individually as well as spending time together. There's a lot of external factors constraining the time to timeframes that are truly 'free-time' which I think is a good thing given everything else.
So, lot of what I've learned here I've been putting to practice. I'm much more comfortable with myself and accepting that I can be happy without WW. There's a lot I still wish I could influence in some way (communication with kids, co-parenting, etc.) but have accepted that I can't have those things paralyze me.
Most of my friends see a change in me. The stress is reduced, I'm more relaxed and not emotionally connected to every WW move like I was before. I don't think I could have gotten to this point without everyone here, it's truly been a ray of brilliant sunlight through a terrible storm.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
WW is still working her stuff, it may be a while yet. Sounds like reality is starting.
The kids are still a little too young for phones or iPads but in due course you should be able to FaceTime with them when they are at WWs.
Take the dating slowly MCS, you and your friend are in sitches that could turn around and then either of you end up hurting or with conflicts. that is the risk.
There is still DB, keep us updated.
Pleased for you that you are detached
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
For WW, its interesting because I've gotten some feedback and a lot of folks, friends/family that still interact with her see that the 'her wall' is not breaking down. It's discouraging, but as I said she doesn't want help right now. Hopefully she can work on herself and figure it out at some point. While she didn't believe me when I said it, I still care about her and I just want her to be happy with whatever choices she makes.
As far as dating, I agree with you and I think 'we' understand the risks in each of our sitches. Just like the different sitches on here; I can see the variation in the specifics between the two. I do worry about the conflicts and complications that could occur, but also realize that there needs to be a balance between an indefinite pause and also 'moving on.' It goes back to something that you said a bit ago to me that resonated and I've thought about it a lot. Like a lot of things, the advice that we struggle with receiving is often because we are not ready to use it at the time. You said not to let dogma and future expectations prevent me from living my life. I did that for the last 10 months. That is what I am focusing on right now and it pushes me out of my comfort zone, but I also see that's part of where I need to grow. The detachment has helped immensely with dealing with it as objectively as possible. I can't dwell on the 'easiness' of life that I was accustomed to prior to BD. However, I also need to stay true to who I am. But like any growth and uncertainty, we need to muddle through it and re-establish some things that we took for granted before.
I see it very much as I've been in 'survival mode' and thought that I could maintain that as long as needed until the sitch would get resolved, but now I'm seeing that my next step is looking within myself and how my life needs to be shaped from the past year and not dictated by it. It feels like a healthy place to be in right now.
Lastly, some of it is eye-opening with regard to the newness and excitement of getting to know someone else and frankly it helps me understand how devastating an A can be in a M. I think I better understand the 'fog' and how easy that can consume someone if you don't know that its there.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
