Part 1 - Initial disappearance and NC from beginning by W, unsure of why W left, found out about OM, one weekend of talking about reconciling, then NC from W, initiate mediation I thought everything was okay
Part 2 - Continued NC from W, further distance from W about kids, MCS figures out judgmental tendencies, W finally comes gets her things, stress over communication about kids I thought everything was okay....(part 2)
Part 3 - MCS tries to figure out how to control his anger about the sitch. MCS thinks he's 'done' with DB by allowing himself to get too stern about communications about the kids. MCS finds that he's actually starting to detach (finally.) W reduces her NC at counseling and starts to ask MCS about how he's feeling and what he needs for closure. I thought everything was okay (part 3)
Part 4 - MC continues to talk about the R, but there's really no progress in R. Is OM done? W starts to let down her wall and show how much emotional stress she's in. Interactions start to get better outside MC, but W shuts back down. MCS struggling whether to believe W about things that she says about BD, W downplays role of OM on her leaving. I thought everything is okay (part 4)
Part 5 - MCS starts to really make some progress in detaching, relinquishing control and generally starting to be comfortable with his life. WW seems to be struggling, but MCS realizes there's nothing he can do. WW decides to cancel MC (mediation) I thought everything was okay....(Part 5) _______________________
So, for everyone reading this that is new(er.) 'It' (which really means 'you') gets better even if the R/M/WW doesn't seem to be getting better. Man, it takes a toll and I never thought that I'd be saying this, but I'm actually feeling fine with whatever the outcome may be in all of this. Everything you hear on these boards and it makes no sense at all. It will....it just takes time, a lot of work and a lot of self-reflection.
For me, where I left off on the last thread is starting to experiment a little with reaching out and making new connections. It's a little surprising because my own reaction to this step wasn't as I predicted.
WW seems not to be doing well, but that may just be around me. I know she's out of money and stressed about that, but generally she's looking and acting......different, depressed and angry. I don't know if or when she'll ever get out of this funk, it seems like we switched roles. I was a mess at BD and she was calm and collected, now the opposite it true.
Kids, whom I was most worried about, seem to be adjusting adequately. They are definitely beginning to be more vocal about differences between 'Dad' and 'Mom' which is tough to hear, I reassure them and stay positive but it still breaks my heart but there's not much I can do about it.
Communication with WW is back to non-existent. Now, I see myself just communicating how I want to, without concern in how she feels about it, nor do I get upset when she doesn't respond at all.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
But V - how will we ever be in another relationship if we are not willing to risk that possibility? Even if there is R with our WAS, there's always the possibility that they are still seeing someone on the side, no?
Gan, yes of course. When we are vulnerable then on line is higher risk and some sites more than others because there is a higher than average chance of touching base with a WW or WH.
Yes, MCS you are right in your interpretation, maybe I was clumsy in my wording (hits head with plan of hand Duh!)
Why do I say be conscious about the others on dating sites?
1. There are more WS than you think out there 2. They lie 3. It's easy to hide on line 4. They are likely more active in seeking out POWs or POMs 5. LBS are more prone to be taken in (history) 6. Having worked at DB, more likely to be cuter, more positive, more attractive as a POP 7. Those that join a 'free' dating site have no costs on credit cards etc for spouses to find
It isn't my place to say whether to date or use the Internet, but my view for what it's worth is do so consciously and deliberately, take no one at face value out there until you know their lives. And no intimate or close conversations and risk an EA with someone who might be someone else's WW or WH especially if unconsciously joining a free site. It's like leaving the Tuck Shop open unattended with an eat all you can sign. These unscrupulous have instant repore stills in spades. Think Catfish. They don't all join marital affair sites or sugar allowed. Learn from Sandis sitch.
V
Last edited by Cadet; 05/02/1511:01 AM. Reason: transfer post here
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Definitely agree LBS are vulnerable to EAs and probably PAs....though I think it is a bit of a grey area as to whether it is an A when we've been separated for so long?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hopefully the Lasagna came out okay. Thanks for the advice. I'm one that usually over analyzes everything I do. I'm comfortable reaching out and talking with people, as I know (and I'm trying to show) that I'm very cautious and not really interested in actually dating. A few weeks ago, I really looked at what I'm 'missing' with WW gone. It was mostly just companionship (and intimacy.) So this is helping on the companionship front.
Gan,
I agree and I'm a fairly religious person, so I've been trying to reconcile in my head what D actually means beyond a piece of paper at the courthouse. It's obvious that WW wants no part of me. There's been really no thawing in the Relationship-front since October. However, I do feel that she's lost and sick; everything I see about her is....really not her. I'm not the only person to see this, her friends and family see the same thing. Regardless of our sitch, I hope she gets help and starts to reconcile with herself her own feelings.
So as far as whether this is would be considered an A or not; right now I'm going by the approach that my interactions are not going beyond what I would have with any other friend. Maybe a little bit more flirting, but still very kosher. This may be temporary and I'll be comfortable moving to the next phase soon, but I don't think so as I know I truly haven't come to the point that I've closed my heart to reconciling. So, I don't see that it's an A or EA. As I said, I thought through this first, but my response of not telling anyone about it was what caused me to pause and ponder whether I'm trying to fool myself.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
For the last couple months, my mom keeps telling me to not feel guilty to try new things and focus on myself. I've never really been sure what she's met because when I would GAL; it didn't make me feel guilty at all. I'm guessing that's not what she's been talking about...
________________
So the interesting thing is that I can see that I'm a little torn. I've accepted the sitch with my M, but today a sermon at church, along with two songs I heard back to back on the radio it just kind of hit me. The gravity of the sitch came down (not in a bad way) I just saw how through all of this, the solution seemed to be so easy in the beginning (and it kinda was.) However that solution is getting more and more complicated everyday; but I've resigned to 'its not mine to fix.' Another part of me is seeing that is maybe why it wasn't 'solved' in the beginning because I didn't realize how complicated it actually was. I see now it would have been short-lived. Nine months later and WW seems still confused and lost but hiding it from everyone, just like she did in our M.
The sermon at church was about Love and in some cases where the other person doesn't want it, we need to not force it; but simply be there if they need us to. That it feels wrong, but we can't take responsibility to fix everything and everyone.
Well, I'm here if WW needs me. But I can't be the one to fix her. She needs to do that herself. I'm not sure how long I can stand, but just like everything else in the sitch.....it will be one day at a time.
Last edited by MCS; 05/04/1504:38 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So the song is one that I listened to a hundred times last year just because I liked Pink and the band Fun. It totally exemplified my life without me even knowing it; how a women sees the relationship ending and the man being oblivious to it. I actually listened to the words today and finally realized what it meant, I had no clue before. I probably even had WW listen to it many times in the car, while she was probably feeling this way.
Well, they end or recommitting in the song, but...well.....yeah, its a song.
Just Give me a Reason Pink and Nate Ruess
[Girl] Right from the start You were a thief You stole my heart And I your willing victim I let you see the parts of me That weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh Things you never say to me, oh, oh Tell me that you've had enough Of our love, our love
Guy] I'm sorry I don't understand Where all of this is coming from I thought that we were fine Your head is running wild again My dear we still have everythin' And it's all in your mind
You've been havin' real bad dreams, You used to lie so close to me, There's nothing more than empty sheets Between our love, our love
I never stopped You're still written in the scars on my heart You're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again I'll fix it for us But our love's enough You're holding it in No nothing is as bad as it seems
[Both] Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
Last edited by MCS; 05/04/1505:01 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Sorry its been so long since I checked in on your thread, but Im glad it seems like you are having an easier time detaching- regardless of how you may feel regarding the church sermon or the songs you heard.
Just my thoughts on online dating-like with everything else, just be prepared for the consequences, if any, whatever they may be.
Personally, from my own, very recent experience, I would avoid it unless you are absolutely sure you want to date and are ok with WW finding out.
I joined a couple dating websites- looking for friends, it was actually in my title that I am married and am just looking for someone to hang out with. Somehow while she's here, WAW found out, even though I deleted everything. She was pissed- even though I literally sent no one a message, didnt even have a profile picture, and met no one at all. Makes no sense to me since she's living with OM.
I didnt even want to really date, quite honestly i just missed the attention from people and didnt know anyone in this area since I just moved.
Like V said, I think it leads to EA too quickly so for me it was a mistake to even join those sites, regardless if she found out or not.
RE: Another part of me is seeing that is maybe why it wasn't 'solved' in the beginning because I didn't realize how complicated it actually was. I see now it would have been short-lived. Nine months later and WW seems still confused and lost but hiding it from everyone, just like she did in our M.
I agree that WW seems still confused and lost...but have you, MCS actually really changed? or do you feel like your changed because WW isn't there to push your buttons 24/7, to flip out on you over nothing in the blink of an eye, and if she does, it only lasts a short while because its a brief exchange or a simple text/phone call/email
Given how my sitch is going and how its all over the place with W here, I keep thinking about what Mozza and a few others wrote to me a while back- are my changes real or is it all superficial to get W home. How will I react with her here?
While I believe they are real, when my buttons get pushed, I resort back to the old T, not necessarily in full force, but enough to where its not helping me- I still need to grow. Are you confident that if WW came back today, you're fully ready and really the new improved MCS?
Keeping you in my thoughts.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
