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Joined: Apr 2015
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Winhamn Offline OP
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I realize a little while ago that I was doing LRT wrong. I was doing it like I was withdrawn. Doing it out of fear, negativity, and as Mr Bond pointed out, probably depression.

I've been doing a lot better having a PMA and things seem to be going better.

I've been refining my DR goals, which initially were drastically too aggressive.

Current goals:

I will engage her about non-kid related subjects and actively listen for 4 out of seven days

I will be outrightly honest with her regarding custody arrangements and I will be respectful of her thoughts and feelings on the subject

I will do something with other people each day this weekend.

I did have a positive accomplishment this morning. I am in Vegas right now for work, and while I was getting breakfast for the kids this morning, she asked me where I was staying. This is the first time she's asked me about anything I'm doing or that's going on in my life since the filing of divorce.

Then, as I was packing my luggage in the master bedroom, she came in and sat on the bed. I put everything down and actively listened while she told me a kid related story. This is the first time she's come into the room I'm in and initiated a conversation of any kind since the filing. She assumed a submissive and comfortable pose in a room with only me in it, to talk to me.

I have to celebrate the progress that's been made, while fully understanding there is so much further to go.

I still struggle mightily with the idea of holding out hope for our marriage, and moving forward with my life as a divorced man.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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I've been in vegas for a couple days. She's constantly been emailing me about various kid related practical matters.

Today she wrote one that was really long, all about how she wants to divide our assets. It started off with "Since you've been out of the house, I realize how angry and anxious I am when you are around, it think it'd be good for you to move out as soon as possible".

I hate the emails she sends me, and I used to just ignore them. Which didn't help out at all in any of this process. I refuse to handle this stuff over email, so I've been calling her to respond to the emails.

Anyway, I called her, and hashed out a few practical matters, then said "can you help me understand why you are so angry right now?"

She responded "well I'm not going to get into everything, but right now the thing that is bothering me so much is that I feel like I have to handle all the household responsibilities while you get to be Mr Fun Dad with the kids all the time."

Things sort of went downhill from there, as I asked "how can I help" she said "Move out" and I said "no" etc etc. I kept my cool during the whole thing.

It [censored]. I'm not going to stop being Mr Fun Dad, and I'm totally taking care of stuff around the house.

I need to take my own advice and realize "Her complaint is content free" and I need to make an effort to understand what she's really saying.

I actually think the absolute best case scenario at this point is that she totally unloads on me with all her built up anger. She has to get that off her chest.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Quick question: (condensed background: she's a WAW who's "just done", started out as an unemotional breakup and shes transitioned into periods of intense anger and also periods of actual communication, I'm doing LRT, separated in the same house, divorce files)

Should I be wearing my wedding ring?


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Win,

You want to wear it because you WANT to...not because of how W feels. You do it for yourself.

Joined: Apr 2015
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Thanks for that.

You are right. I'm wearing it because I want to. Actually, I might be wearing it because I don't want to take it off.

Geez, you got me emotional over that.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Rather tough afternoon today. Not sure exactly what the deal was. Self esteem is low low low.

Picked out mother's day cards today. Couldn't quit find the one that said what I wanted to express to my wife. I did find one that was close-ish. I do plan to give it to her, with a simple note on the inside: "You are a great Mom"


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Win,

I would suggest that you don't give a Mother's Day card for W based on HOW you feel about W. She isn't interested in hearing you or your feelings at all. That is introducing pressure and will most definitely come across as smothering to W.

Since your kids are very young, how about assisting them with homemade cards for W? That would go a looong way with W than just Hallmark cards that your kids cannot even read let alone understand them.

If I were you, I'd put away these cards for next year. This year, make it all about your kids and their love for Mommy.

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Winhamn Offline OP
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Thank you for the reality check.

You are right, she isn't interested in hearing me or my feelings at all. In the end, it was really just an attempt to try to make a positive connection with her. I thought by leaving any reference to me or "us" out, it might not be smothering her.

Next weekend is "my" weekend with the kids and making mothers day cards was on my "to do" list.

Finding it really tough to come up with solution orientated actions for "my relationship" at the moment. Any sort of connection seems horribly impossible.

Part of the motivation for the card was to express to her that she's a great mom. One of her long term relationship complaints is feeling taken for granted and is never shown any appreciation. Again, what I need to understand is she isn't wanting to her that from me at the moment.

She's harboring a lot of anger, focused toward me, right now. I really wish she'd just yell at me a lot.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
Good GAL day today - spent running around with some work friends.

She emailed me twice, about kid stuff. I missed a call from her too, although she didn't leave a message.

I get a kids day tomorrow! Going to hang out with grandma. Should be fun.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
Ugh. Coming home from the first "not my weekend with the kids" was really really hard.

I was just out of church and feeling really emotional. Came home, and the kids hardly noticed I was there. Wife had some sad song about watching tears rolling down someone's checks and I about lost it. I had to turn that off.

Really really was sad for a while. It eventually went away, more or less.

Small victory, did have a good non kid conversation with wife before she left to go to work.

Feeling really down about things. Kids already seem to be acting differently. I don't know much about what's going on in their lives after being gone for 6 days. I hate it.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
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