It is really hard to detach when they come back to their old selves for a moment. Will sit back and watch and wait and see what happens next.
Keep telling myself to stay detached that this didn't mean anything today. According to him previously he fakes it and has to try really hard to not be angry and "act" like he is having fun. REally wondering if that is what he did today.
Ok so here it is in a nut shell for me. H has been texting me a lot, I suspect because of the motorcycle he wanted and some idea he thought he had to have my approval even though he moved out. Motorcycle has been bought, he has been real nice for last week. Now is the time for the TRUTH to be told. Since he has motorcycle will he stop contacting me, will he become angry again at me.
I am waiting to see how this plays out was he just wanting to talk about motorcycle or did he really want to communicate with me? We will see. I am going to wait and watch.
I am not caught up on your sitch .. just read the past couple pages.
Some things I have noticed, you are WAY to much into your H's head right now ... this is not detaching, you are mind reading a TON ... how do I know this??... You are looking at the poster boy for mindreading.:D
You have no idea why he bought the bkie, how he will act now he has it ... seems to me I picked up on some guilt, when he feels guilty he TM you, is nice, talks and shares ... when the guilt drifts away .. so does he. My W did the same thing.
Now ... what do we learn here with the DB'ing? You can only control you, make yourself the better option. When you did not stand in the way nor say anything negative about him and the bike, he kept sharing with you ... something to file away for later yeah? You need to GAL as he is appearing to do, make him start wondering what you are doing ... flip the table because right now you are all over this, how will he be, will this make him happy, will he stop contacting me ... no one knows, nor can anyone control that... you need to do you ... GAL, PMA, more GAL.
I know detachment is hard, its down right rough, but you need to find YOU again and let him be for a bit
Caliguy: Thanks that is some tough love you gave me but you are right, probably spot on. I will file away the not being negative and just letting him talk for future and in meantime I will not contact him and will get on with my GAL!
Starting now I am going to get up in the morning telling myself I believe our marriage "some day" will be good and that he loves me and will figure it out and god or the universe will do what is meant to be. Then I go about my business and I am not going to wonder what he is doing, going, who or anything else.
Take each moment as it comes and not anticipate what could happen.
Its tough ... I know... we all struggle with it, seems if its easy to detach then one was not quite attached in the first place and they most likely would not be here, would be filing and waiting for the D day to come .. totally get it.
Here is where the meat and potatoes are, its time to work on you. You just stated: "I will file away the not being negative and just letting him talk for future and in meantime I will not contact him and will get on with my GAL!"
I took 2 things from this... #1 the negativity, yup .. lose that and replace it with PMA, no spouse wants to go back to Mr or Mrs Grumpalupagus .... and better yet if you are out and about doing your own thing and can actually be happy (fake it till you make it up to this point) This makes the WAS stop and think, maybe even be confused .. THIS is a good thing, flips the table, now he is wondering ... what did I do? Whe is SHE happy all the sudden. Classic Bait and switch.
#2 the Contact, yeah we call it going Dim/Dark .. very useful tool, not out of punishment but because you are so darned busy and having such a good time, you really are not locked into being available ... this tool was important for me and turning things around, drove W nuts when I was 'distant'
Another thing ... you touched on it, and this helped me over the detachment hump. I became VERY religious through all this, it just happened. Giving it to God, was the best move I could have possibly made. Had my wishes and wants been granted when I wanted them, things would not have worked out, I needed time to change ... as did my W. Use this time to become a better choice, as the book states .. a person only a fool would leave.
Some really good advice from CaliGuy, read it many times and follow it like a bible. It helps and it makes a difference after a while.
I really have no idea if my H will came back or not, but doing the GAL and being more busy with my own life made him pay more attention and even did some stuff in an attempt to stop me, delay me.
So, it works. You are always there, then you are not, you start having your own life without them. That's when they think about what they are doing.
Question: Once separated from spouse and living on own how do you know when its time to move back together. do you let the spouse who wanted to move out broach the subject?
Not that we are close to that or anything I am just curious how that usually works.
Did you move out or him? In case of the WAS moving out, I've seen on the boards to usually leave it up to them unless you've reached the point of living like so indefinitely or moving towards divorce.
I'm not advocating this, but on some other website it spoke of the spouses having a plan to work on reconciliation while separated. Unfortunately, most of us here are doing what we can alone in hopes the WAS comes out of the fog.
My WAW and I have been separated for one 6 month lease. When I asked was she renewing her lease again (not sure if it was the right thing to ask at the time or if it set me back in sitch) she said she was. So here I am trying to work on self, GAL, and hope that maybe when this one is up she'll move back in and want to work on us.
Stay strong on your journey.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
We initially separated and he said he wanted to work on marriage and getting back together but so far nothing has changed in our situation.
Friday he asked me to go on motorcycle ride and we did and then he dropped me off that was the end of it. Saturday he text and said he would take our S to lunch and asked if I wanted to come. I declined as I had a prior appointment. He was watching fight with some guys at a house. He text me that night and said he didn't go it was cancelled and a few other casual comments via text. I heard from him once yesterday.
I am confused. Why being kind of nice all of a sudden. Then today I get a calendar invite from him for Vacation at the same time we had originally schedule our family vacation. I took it as to rub my face in the fact that he is going on vacation at the same time as me and our S our going.
It was mean and it hurt and I don't understand why he would calendar invite me to his vacation.
