Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Defacto]

De facto, you are doing awesome. It's great to see your situation. I on the other hand am not. My wife is trying to kick me out of the house. It's so uncomfortable I'm not sure if staying here or separating would be best anymore. So hard to see her everyday and not interact. But if we separate lrt seems harder and with divorce going on the strategy of dragging feet and riding it out seemed to make sense.

Seems like in your case separation is helping.

Rip,
Thanks again for the support. I don't think my sitch is really improving a whole lot, other than moving towards a likely conclusion. However, I do feel that I have improved. I am not familiar with the details of your sitch, but my W moving out did wonders for my emotional and mental stability.

Just my 2 cents. You really need to limit contact and conversations with your W to only kid related stuff. I know validating and what not is part of DB. But understand that there are apps on people's cell phones that record entire conversations. If you are validating her reasons for her actions those conversations may not help you should this end up in front of a judge. She is not anywhere near ready to work on the M and she seems to be baiting you quite a bit. My opinion is you need to remove yourself from those conversations completely.

Pilot, I have looked into recording the conversations also. However, my state is a two party consent state so the recordings would be inadmissible in court. As far as my W not being ready to work on M right now, I think you're right. I think yesterday's convo with W was really a power play on her part, thinking that I would simply give in to her demands. Like before, when I do not budge, W resorts to the spew. I do need to continue to steer the conversations back to the kids.

W did call once more last night to check on the kids at bedtime. The kids were asleep when she called so I told W a cute story about D4. I could tell the story cheered her up. I asked how work was going and W told me that she was nervous because the boss needed to see her about an issue with a patient from a previous night. I replied with a sincere "Oh no! That [censored]. I'm so sorry. Good luck." W shared a little more about story with patient. W then asked me to say a quick prayer for her. I told her to remember the cute story of D4 and again wished her good luck.

I know W is leaving bread crumbs here. I just think I am remaining cordial, consistent, and confident. I don't see this as pursuit. W was being vulnerable and I wanted my response to be real.

Anyway, have a great Wednesday. I am going to an outdoor festival tonight to see one of my favorite bands so I am pretty excited for that!

[Defacto]

Journaling:
W just called to see how the kids were last night. I was upbeat and shared a few stories from the night and morning.

Then W asked me a question about a Facebook post I made from the weekend where I posted a picture of me with the kids and a story I wrote to accompany the picture (a little creative writing exercise that brought me back to my college days). W said that the writing didn't sound like me and wondered if I posted it for some custody battle or something. I chuckled and told her that I just felt inspired to write a back story to the picture I posted.

Then W felt the need to tell me she was going to complete financial affidavit today. I told W that she could just send me over what she needed and I would get it for her. W said that wouldn't work because she didn't trust me to give the correct figures and that if I wouldn't give her the passwords, she wanted to sit next to me while I logged in. W suggested I could be funneling the money out of the accounts.

I could see where the convo was headed so I nipped it in the bud. I made a comment again about the inspirational morning I had with the kids and wished her a good day.

For someone who claims I was a "financial terrorist," W sure seems to care a lot about money now LOL.

[Defacto]

It seems to me that W is using the kids as an excuse to call and then talk about D matters. I almost hope she serves me papers soon so I can just tell W that my L is handling everything at this time. Is that wrong?

W texts me "Can you please try to cooperate?"
I reply with a simple "Yes."

[Defacto]

Journaling:
W calls while I'm on lunch. I answer and I could tell that W is groggy from waking up from sleep. I immediately ask how the kids are. W responds that she doesn't know because kids are with MIL.

W asks me what my plans are. I reply that I don't have any plans as I am not the one pursuing a D. W continues to ask if I'm funneling money out of the accounts and I advise W that I pledges to be honorable in this process. I tell W that I am aware that all assets will be divided 50/50 if things continue where they are headed.

W continues to insist I am not answering her question. I advise W that I didn't want to discuss these issues anymore at this time. I told W that she should get some rest as the kids will be excited to spend time with their mother tonight.

Moral of the story is that I shouldn't have answered the call LOL. It feels like W is just afraid I'm going to get my own L and I will fight her in a D.

[pilot]

Of course she is afraid you will fight it. She wants what she wants and she expects you to comply and give her everything she wants. The idea she may come out of this ordeal with less than what she envisions does not sit well with her. Trust me...I have been down this road with my W. If she calls to talk about the kids, talk about the kids. When she changes to D stuff, politely find an excuse to end the conversation. Remind her she has an attorney to handle D stuff and if he has any questions, he knows he needs to contact you, or your attorney. (of course you do not have to talk to her L or even answer the L's calls)

[Defacto]

Journaling:

I had a great time last night at the concert. It was good to be out and just enjoy some great music. W called once during concert but I let it go to voicemail.

W called again this morning. She said she wanted to see how I was doing. I asked W how the kids were and we talked joyfully about some recent kid stories. W then said that she was missing me a little this morning and she said that was why she called at 4am a few nights ago too. I said thank you.

We talked a little bit more about kids and then I wished her a great day. W ended call by telling me she missed me again.

The roller coaster ride continues. This is why it's so important for me just remain consistent and calm.

[Defacto]

W called after work and we began talking about the day and the kids. Then after a few minutes, W asked if I would send PDFs of our account statements from the last few months to her.

Then W told me she was meeting with her L on Monday and wanted to know if I wanted to come along. I responded by saying I would have to check my schedule and I would think about it. W asked me again about me wanting D and I told her it isnt something I'm actively pursuing at this time. Then W asked if I've met with my L since a few weeks ago or paid a retainer. I reply no.

I could tell W wanted to talk more about it and wasn't satisfied with my answers but I told W that I had to leave the house and was in a hurry. W said that I'm in a hurry a lot these days.

W then texts me "I wish you would communicate with me."

And then W calls. I don't respond or answer either.
---
I don't see a problem with emailing W the account statements from last few months. I imagine she just wants to quell her suspicions that I am funneling money from these accounts. I have nothing to hide.

As far as meeting with her L, my L advised against it. I should probably wait a few days and just tell W that I can't make it.

[Defacto]

I forgot to say that W even said that she didn't want to handle this (the D process) all by herself.

Lol. I'm not sure what she expected, but I'm certainly not going to hold her hand through this.

[Defacto]

Journaling;
For some reason, I'm really missing W today. It has been tough thinking about the inevitable D. I miss her companionship and physical touch. I can GAL and fill up my free time with stuff but nothing replaces that. It makes me sad that I will most likely never experience that again with her.

I'm also really impacted today by how tough a D will be on our kids. They deserve so much better.

I'm just feeling defeated today.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I typed up a big long post yesterday and my laptop battery died and I lost it.

The essence:

Maybe you could try something like this...

"Just wanted to let you know that I spoke to a lawyer the other day about the prudence of me using your attorney and collaborating on a divorce or each having our own and boy was I in for the hard sell. This guy was a pit bull telling me working together was absolutely a horrible idea unless I am one of those guys that basically willing to give you whatever you want hoping that by being nice you'll give me another chance. He said divorces always get ugly and the only way to proceed was to give him a $5000 retainer. Get this, he said most of his divorces cases last more than one year when small children are involved and he said he definitely would want to take depositions of your Doctor friend and your boss to make sure that you hadn't been making defamatory statements about me around town and so that any affair would be documented under oath for posterity. He said that that is important to do when small children are involved because far too often absent such documentation, in ten years, the story of the martial breakdown slowly changes to it being all the betrayed husband's fault.

I'm not ready for that kind of fight. I told him thank you for his time and I'll be in touch. I'm certainly willing to meet with your guy to see but these meetings and discussions all take a lot of time and MONEY.

You said the other day you were applying for another job on another floor. Why don't you see about another hospital or medical office. Anywhere but there and then we can just take a cooling off period of time before we proceed with any divorce case and see if our feelings change down the road here.

I say "our feelings" because I'm not exactly head over heals in love with you right now. I'm devastated by what you did to us but trying to put myself back together here. That being said, our kids deserve better from us and once you are away from Dr. Friend we COULD POSSIBLY give recovery another honest shot. It was never really fair before while you were still seeing and talking to him everyday.

What do you think?"


The keys to this:

1. Divorce will take over a year (might not be true in your state but you could likely drag it out even longer if you wanted to in most states). Waywards want a quick easy exit. The concept that it'll take a year for them to be free and single (or available for OM) is overwhelming. Sometimes a promise of a quick easy divorce if the other spouse will just commit to trying for 6 months works because an honest commitment to trying is half the battle itself. It's saying there is hope versus the common wayward justification "I could never love or be with you intimately again".

2. OM and the hospital are going to be deposed if this becomes a contested divorce. She's already wanting to move floors which indicates a motivation to leave that area. If you are possibly going to depose her boss and the OM she might as well leave all the way out of embarrassment. To recover...she has to leave...to Divorce...she has to leave....either way she has to leave so why not just do it NOW and maybe avoid the deposition(s) altogether.

3. Don't cry, beg or plead but saying you were "devastated" is important as an indication that you have emotions and care at all about her and the marriage. It's a 180 to you being stoic.

4. Goal 1...delaying the divorce Goal 2 planting seeds that her feelings may change and reconciliation is still possible. You may need to remind her that just last year she was still in love with you (card from November) and that obviously this spring her feelings for you changed. Thus, feelings aren't fact. Just because she feels NOW that she's never going to want to be married to you or in love with you again doesn't mean that's always going to be the way she feels.

5. Be confident. YOU are a good guy and she's responding to your confidence. There is no cage door holding her in. You aren't controlling her and though you'd prefer, for the kids, to give this another shot, you're going to be OK. Maybe we can give it a few months and if our marriage is going to end anyway....why not give our kids a great summer together as one last family summer??? I can plan some road trips and other trips (i.e. distractions) for all of us, no obligation to try or anything. We can just address that all in August or so. This is important as your wife just said she doesn't want to follow through with it and be responsible for it all.....be a magician and give her an excuse to procrastinate the whole thing by slight of hand...offering her a way to "escape" into a fun summer with a fun seeming you without the HEAVY relationship and divorce talk ...."for the kids".

6. In essence...tabling the divorce AND tabling reconciliation efforts until she's out of the hospital or August/September. Without OM she shouldn't be in a hurry anymore.