I remember during our S it was comforting to hear that others spouses said similar things. It's part of the script.
There wasn't one thing that changed my H's mind. As many other vets have said before the WAS can feel when the LBS drops the rope. I had started realizing that maybe life was better without H. Also I did not involve myself or ever acknowledge that I knew about Ow (there were pictures all over FB).
So he says he saw the boys and I having fun, doing well and all without him. Weren't we supposed to be devastated and sulking at home? I was polite and short with him on the rare occasions we did see each other. I was always nice but didn't pursue (this was a few months after -- I really struggled with pursuing, detaching etc). He said it hit home when He set up his place and was looking at pictures of the boys and I that he had found packed away.
This is why detaching and GAL is so important for you because it shows you that you will be okay whichever way this swings!
The next stage of this of going to be difficult. While we were having consistent text conversation and seeing each other once a week, that has now all stopped and we have very minimal contact. He is pushing to meet and try and work out the division of our assets. He has said on multiple occasions that I am going to "leave him high and dry" or "leave him on the street with nothing". That is not true, but I do want the division to be fair. In my state, it is equitable division, which takes length of marriage, each parties contribution to the assets, etc. into consideration. Also, while it is a no-fault state, fault can be taken into consideration in property division. Adultery is one of the "faults".
So, I can imagine that walking the line of not doing "more of the same" in his eyes (ie, controlling, lawyering him, manipulating) and sticking up for myself in the settlement is going to be hard. So I'm not quite sure how to approach that. And I also feel that I am running out of time. Once we get this ball rolling, I think it will play our fairly quickly.
This is just kind of thinking out loud...even when I feel that I am doing ok in my interaction with H (which does happen sometimes), he still will say I'm "throwing daggers" at him or playing games. And I get that it takes consistent change for a long period of time for them to actually notice and when we backslide they just think we haven't changed. But do you think they actually can see the change? I mean sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I do, because it's never good enough. He is only seeing what he wants and believing what he wants to believe to make it easier to leave. And I know my changes are for me and not him, but honestly isn't that why we are all here....to save our marriage?
Me:36 H: 29 T: 4 years M: 2 years No kids In-house sep 10/4/14 H moved out 1/2/15 Talk of D 4/9/15
"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
So a few months ago, H said that he was approached about taking a job in another city about 4 hours away. I asked if he was thinking about doing it and he said he was keeping his options open. I never heard anything more about it (not that he would talk to me about it anyway).
He also has family in this city, his brother and sister and their families. For the 4 years that we were together before all of this, we didn't go to visit his family in that city one time. I tried to make plans to go spend the weekend, but it never panned out. He's been once since all this until 2 weeks ago. He spent the weekend there 2 weeks ago and is spending the weekend there again this weekend. I'm wondering if he is interviewing or is considering taking the job?
I know this is all just guesswork, but that would totally change everything....
Me:36 H: 29 T: 4 years M: 2 years No kids In-house sep 10/4/14 H moved out 1/2/15 Talk of D 4/9/15
"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
Yes! Finding a silver lining for yourself in anything- even horrible things is very self-centered (I mean that term in the best of ways)
Originally Posted By: NoleGrl
The next stage of this of going to be difficult. While we were having consistent text conversation and seeing each other once a week, that has now all stopped and we have very minimal contact. He is pushing to meet and try and work out the division of our assets.
No contact is difficult. Don't get caught in the trap of thinking that just because you don't initiate it that it's okay or helping. If you're still getting 'pulled in' than it's not helping you- regardless of who started the conversation.
Originally Posted By: NoleGrl
...even when I feel that I am doing ok in my interaction with H (which does happen sometimes), he still will say I'm "throwing daggers" at him or playing games. And I get that it takes consistent change for a long period of time for them to actually notice and when we backslide they just think we haven't changed. But do you think they actually can see the change? I mean sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I do, because it's never good enough.
You answered your own question. Stay detached. No R talk. He does and will notice. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for him- it's not for him darlin'.
Yes, as RealMe pointed out, I think our WAS' do notice the changes. The thing is, they are not confident that they will stick.
Please try to not discuss your R and detach as much as possible. I know you can do it!
BTW, thank you for your post in my thread earlier today. I was so overwhelmed by how many people responded since last night. I tried to thank all of you individually.
In case you missed it, here was my reply to you: NoleGrl, thank you for taking the time to catch up on my situation and for the nice complement and encouragement. You are awesome!
Have a good evening, please try!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So a few months ago, H said that he was approached about taking a job in another city about 4 hours away. I asked if he was thinking about doing it and he said he was keeping his options open. I never heard anything more about it (not that he would talk to me about it anyway).
He also has family in this city, his brother and sister and their families. For the 4 years that we were together before all of this, we didn't go to visit his family in that city one time. I tried to make plans to go spend the weekend, but it never panned out. He's been once since all this until 2 weeks ago. He spent the weekend there 2 weeks ago and is spending the weekend there again this weekend. I'm wondering if he is interviewing or is considering taking the job?
I know this is all just guesswork, but that would totally change everything....
Sometimes space and distance can be good. If you're not around you're not to blame for his problems. That's why giving space is such a recommended first step.
My DB coach told me there are four stages to R:
1. Let the dust settle. 2. Establish a non-marital relationship. A friendship like that of a neighbor, based on acknowledgement of each other's autonomy, mutual good will, and respect. 3. Romance. 4. Reconciliation.
In my sitch I am STILL in step 1. 10 months in. Maybe someday we'll go to stage 2. Maybe not. There are no guarantees. But I had a lot of dust to let settle!
Point is, I think the dust still is settling, and sometimes that's needed before you can rebuild a friendship.
Have you ever considered a DB coach?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I came across that link yesterday and actually laughed out loud. I mean I'd heard of the "script" but didn't think it was that exact. I mean it sounded like it was coming straight from H's mouth! It is just so amazing to me.
I feel like I am both of the people you described, just at different times. I'm fairly independent, have great friends that I have been making plans with, keeping my life busy, working out and training for various races, self reflecting. BUT, even in doing these things, I always have one eye on what H is doing (or in the case of yesterday, find out without even looking) and bam, its like that other person disappears and out comes the un-detached clingy person who says and does all the wrong things even while knowing she shouldn't be. It's almost like I'm possessed. Just wish I knew how to detach.
Wow!!!! This sounds just like me too.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Thank you all for stopping by my thread, I really appreciate it.
Zues, I think you are right, the dust has not yet settled. Even when it starts to settle, I seem to just dust it all up again. I have thought about a coach, but money is tight right now as I am paying for pretty much everything myself. My extra money is going to my counselor twice a month right now.
Journaling: So in the beginning of my sitch, H was way more receptive to me. For the 3 months we were separated but still in the same house, he still told me he loved me, he invited me to come with him to meet people for drinks, texted me throughout the day, checked to make sure I got in ok when travelling, etc., but just didn't know what he wanted, was confused, didn't know if things could change. During this time I was doing all the wrong things, pursuing, pleading, crying.
After he moved out in January that all changed and he slowly backed further and further away (he met OW in January). Now we are at the point where it seems impossible to salvage. I know some of his actions are probably related to OW, but maybe the time away from me really made him realize that he doesn't love me and does not want to work on this? Like he realized that all of his problems were actually because of me after all. I just feel like in the beginning there was hope, and now there is none.
He is pushing on getting this divorce and I just feel like I am running out of time.
Me:36 H: 29 T: 4 years M: 2 years No kids In-house sep 10/4/14 H moved out 1/2/15 Talk of D 4/9/15
"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
