W just told me that she will be taking S2 %100 of the time and that he can't stay with me at my brother's. She also said she will not be moving to her Mom's and she will stay in the house until we sell. Should I stay at home or move to my brother's now? I really feel I need some space from her to do LRT.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Nick ... regardless if there is an OM or not ... it does not matter (Well the pain hurts like heck ... but not to get sidetracked here...) Thing is many LBS's ... myself included become obsessed with the OM, or the thought of one, it takes away from what you need to do.
As far as the W taking S 100% of the time, as a parent you have rights, do not allow her to use nor threaten that ... its boundary setting time in that area, she needs to know if she pushes through with this you will fight tooth and nail for your right as a parent for no less than 50%. The fantasy bubble she has in her head about what life will be like needs to be popped.
As far as moving ... nope. YOU stay, she wants this not you, if she stays ... great, but you do not go anywhere. Its a common question/issue here. You stay in the house, in your bed, in your bedroom, if she wants to move out, sleep on the couch, whatever thats on her ... you stay.
Update: W came upstairs to speak with me last night about our sitch. She apologized for getting mad at me that i was on a dating website. W then started talking about our R and how things were (good and bad). W started to cry. I validated all of her feelings about how i wasn't there for her emotionally, how she thought i perceived her, and how i didn't have her back. W said that she doesn't think i have to make so many changes for her and vice versa. W believes that we should marry people who we don't have to make changes for. I validated her feelings and responded with "I believe we will always need to make changes in a relationship and even in my next relationship i expect to make changes."
We finished the conversation talking about selling the house and whether the sitch is affecting S2. I told W that I would like to stay in the house to keep a little stability for S2, but she wants to sell asap. I ended the conversation and told her we can discuss this another time as it was almost 2am.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Thank you, CaliGuy. W agreed to a 50/50 split of custody. I did tell her that i will not be moving out and that she is more than welcome to stay. Still trying to GAL. Going to an air show tomorrow with S2 and then we will be hanging out with his cousin. This is so hard.....
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Sandi2-do you mean don't fall for her reasons? Do you think that the reasons she gave are not the real reasons?
You may not have given her the emotional connection she needed to feel, but there's something that seems off. She could have used your anger issue against you in a big way. That would make more sense, to me, rather than what she's giving as her reasons for leaving. Not that you've physically hurt her or S2, but women can build a convincing case against a man who people know is angry all the time.
Do you remember times that she tried to talk to you about needing you to "be there for her", or to appreciate her more, and telling her how great she is (did she really say that?). Some(not all) people who have very low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities, have trouble ever getting enough emotional food from their S. It's been my experience to see women like this become hypersensitive, but I'm sure that is not the case with all.
I am just trying to be fair to her. The most sense she made (according to what you've said) was the part about not wanting to worry about what kind of mood you would be in every day, and being mad all the time. I would also think being on the receiving end of your silent treatments (days at a time) could be pretty miserable.
Do you know what she meant about you having a problem communicating? Does she mean that you won't talk about your feelings, or is it something else? Have you considered actually getting help with it?
My gut tells me that she's not being completely upfront about what's really going on. I mean, you stopped therapy b/c you thought things were going so good. How did things change that caused you to believe they were better?
Don't be surprised if she will wants to keep you emotionally hanging by a thread. Beware of her saying she wants you both to be the best of friends, or always be friends, etc. It can become a trap for the LBH, b/c he sees it as an avenue to get closer to her and hopefully reconcile. However, she is not thinking along those line at all. She will use and abuse....all in the name of "friendship". If you tell her "no", she'll throw it in your face, "I thought you said we could be friends!" You cannot be her BFF. You can be polite and civil, but don't make the mistake of saying you'll be her friend. Anyone can be her friend, but only one person gets to be her husband. Don't settle for less.
In the meantime, I hope you will consider, seriously, returning to therapy. Did the therapist say your anger was due to the childhood trauma? Has the therapist ever said that is why you have a communication problem, or has it ever been mentioned?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
