what if you caught your wife on an online dating site, you'd be pi$$ed too, right? Would you be able to forgive her eventually. Move on. OWN your mistakes and make the changes away from there.
Thank you Cadet for all the advice. I really appreciate it. I feel so alone in this, but you've helped so much. This can be scary at times....
ZEPHYR-Yes, I'd be pissed and sad. I would be able to forgive her, and i hope she can forgive my dumb mistake. I will stay away from there and just focus on improving myself.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
W saw my phone and she got really mad and said that the little respect she had for me is now gone. She was really angry and I know why. I really screwed up and I think i might have screwed any chances of me saving my marriage. I dont know what i was thinking......im such an idiot
ZEPHYR-Yes, I'd be pissed and sad. I would be able to forgive her, and i hope she can forgive my dumb mistake. I will stay away from there and just focus on improving myself.
Whoa, hang on a minute guys. The woman said she was 100% sure she was done and wanted a D! She fired Nick as her H and left. She is out of there, so, why should she be angry at what her LBH does?
Why is she looking at your phone, Nick?
I hope you are not going to tell me you begged and pleaded with her to forgive you, and you don't know what got into you and would never do it again......and so on....and so on. Why? B/c of this line right here: "she got really mad and said that the little respect she had for me is now gone". It is complete WAW manipulation and script.
In fairness to Zephyr, I get where this is coming from.)
Here's the thing, Nick. A WW/WAW is okay with dumping the guy, and she may think she's done with him. However, that does not mean she wants her vacated position to be replaced by somebody new. Oh, no! It is not okay that she gets dumped!!
Yes, by all means focus on improving yourself, especially your anger issues. However, the sooner she gets her eyes opened to how life will be without you.......the better. Most WW/WAW's want everything on their terms, and think they should get to call the shots even after giving up the man she had. What you should have done is respond by telling her that you are simply moving on with your life, which she made abundantly clear...would be without her. But the key is to stay as cool as a cucumber and don't get in a tizzy over her being upset. She's made her decision, so aren't you free to make decisions? If she's going to be free, she needs to accept the fact she is setting you free, also.
Don't get me wrong, Nick. B/C you are new and may not be familiar with how I write. I'm not trying to encourage you to get off into another relationship or anything. I am telling you from the VP of the WW/WAW, and as the old saying goes....it takes one to know one. I just wanted to address that last incident before getting off into something else.
So, to change the subject just a tad, when you say you treated her terribly, can you break that down a little more? Did you ever get physical with her, throw or hit things, threaten anything? Did you yell, call her bad names, degrade her, make fun of her, etc. I know you said you would go days without talking, but usually people who have anger issues tend to do more than just give the silent treatment. Have you started back to therapy?
I believe some WAW's can have a legit reason for leaving. I noticed, however, she didn't say anything about not feeling safe for her or her baby. Perhaps you skirted around it, IDK. I'm just saying if you were really bad to her, she probably had good reason to leave. But then I have to wonder why she would be willing to leave her baby with you 50% of the time, if she did not feel he'd be safe. I mean, if she doesn't want him around second hand smoke.......I would think she was concerned about his well being.
BTW, what did you mean about her not helping you take care of him?
There is another type, and that is the wayward wife. That is when she turns away from the values she's always lived by, to pursue a lifestyle far removed from the woman you married. It may be an affair (which can be EA/PA/IA/Internet), addiction to those "adult" sites on the Internet, wild partying, gambling, or whatever. If that is true in this case, and you haven't noticed any signs, it probably means she has kept it well hidden from you. If she's involved in a wayward style, it will be revealed soon enough. But I'm not saying she is. I just get suspicious when a young woman, who has a very little child, suddenly decides she hasn't been happy during her short marriage. But maybe you made her life that miserable.....I just don't know at this point. All we know for sure is that she has walked away from the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much for your time and words of advice, Sandi2!
Why is she looking at your phone, Nick?
-I accidentally left it on the kitchen counter and when i went outside to help with groceries, she saw my phone.
I hope you are not going to tell me you begged and pleaded with her to forgive you, and you don't know what got into you and would never do it again......and so on....and so on. Why? B/c of this line right here: "she got really mad and said that the little respect she had for me is now gone". It is complete WAW manipulation and script.
-I didnt plead or beg. I just said that I thought we were both moving on? I asked why she was so mad when she is the one who wants to divorce me.
Don't get me wrong, Nick. B/C you are new and may not be familiar with how I write. I'm not trying to encourage you to get off into another relationship or anything. I am telling you from the VP of the WW/WAW, and as the old saying goes....it takes one to know one.
--Okay, I understand. I told myself yesterday that i dont need to be there and that i should just focus on improving myself.
So, to change the subject just a tad, when you say you treated her terribly, can you break that down a little more? Did you ever get physical with her, throw or hit things, threaten anything? Did you yell, call her bad names, degrade her, make fun of her, etc. I know you said you would go days without talking, but usually people who have anger issues tend to do more than just give the silent treatment. Have you started back to therapy? --I never got physical with, although W has hit me on two separate occasions. I never threw or hit things (i did slam a door or slam my cup down on the counter at times). W has smashed our wedding pictures and a coffee pot, but she always says that i caused her to do that because she has never done that with any of her boyfriends in the past. I tell her that boyfriends and marriage is completely different. There were times when I would threaten divorce out of anger and in the 1st two years of our marriage we both called each other names and criticize each other. Things have improved over the last year. I still go to therapy, although i didn't go from December to March because things were actually going really well in our marriage, but looking back, i should've kept going.
I believe some WAW's can have a legit reason for leaving. I noticed, however, she didn't say anything about not feeling safe for her or her baby. Perhaps you skirted around it, IDK. I'm just saying if you were really bad to her, she probably had good reason to leave. But then I have to wonder why she would be willing to leave her baby with you 50% of the time, if she did not feel he'd be safe. I mean, if she doesn't want him around second hand smoke.......I would think she was concerned about his well being. --She did state that she was worried about our S2 being around 2nd hand smoke and I told her that my brother already told me he would not smoke in the house or around the kids. She sarcastically replied with "i'm sure he's really going to stop." She asked why i would stay there when i don't even like the 2nd hand smoke. I responded by telling W that i really dont have a choice since she wants to sell our house and i cant afford to buy a place yet. She has also stated on several occasions that I am a great person, husband, and father, but that i'm just not right for her and that she is not happy in our marriage. Last week she told me that I am the best father she could possibly ask for her son and that I am such a great person, but that i am not the one for her.
BTW, what did you mean about her not helping you take care of him? --Recently, W has gone out last minute leaving me with our son, which i don't mind, but not at the last minute. A few weekends ago, she went out late, and couldn't do anything the next day because she had a hangover. She doesn't get drunk often, but she shouldn't be doing that with a 2 year old son at home. --I am very confident that she isn't having an EA or PA. I asked her earlier this week and she said there is no OM. In regards to making her life miserable, i know we had some rough times especially after my Mom passed, but since then things have been really good except for the occasional argument.
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
W also complained that i was never there for her, i never told her how great of a person she was, and i never showed how much i appreciate her. I am confused on this because i would write her small love notes, put little surprises in her lunch box, get chocolate for her once a month, etc. I guess she wants me to be there for her in other ways.....emotionally?
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
Nick ... welcome .. well if there is such a thing .. feels like rolling out the red carpet to a dive bar no one wants to really be in but the people are amazing and atleast the beer is cold.
Sandi took the words out of my mouth a bit .. she is amazing in how she can spot things. My ears perked up with the response to the phone. Yeah you should not have done it but if anything it planted a seed. I seem to side with Sandi/Starsky on how to not baby the WW, they do need to feel what life is like without you, even my MLC'r seemed to change her tune when she truly realized I was happy to move on ... not an act .. its how I truly felt.
So juts a question on the following below
Originally Posted By: nick615
--I am very confident that she isn't having an EA or PA. I asked her earlier this week and she said there is no OM. In regards to making her life miserable, i know we had some rough times especially after my Mom passed, but since then things have been really good except for the occasional argument.
I did the same, Sept 13, Oct 13, and guess what .. in Jan 14 it was confirmed ... and it started as 'friends' in July 14 and progressed into OM EA by Sep 13, then PA by who knows when .. guessing Jan 14. She most likely did not decide to just want a D all the sudden ... I would guess by the little you have shared ... her going out and tying one on .. there is a OM in the distance, or atleast the fantasy of one, be careful there ... you truly never know, just as you did not see the BD coming ... you might not see the OM ... I am not saying there is one but do not count it out.
Now on to the DB'ing. I agree .. be the best father you can be ... and thats regardless of your M, he is your son and will need you around his entire life, if you do not step up now it will be a huge mistake. I know I just was terrified at the thought of my S doing 'Father - Son' type things with anyone but me ... would be a OM^2 .. like a double whamy.
You do need to GAL, and do something that really helps your PMA, I too had/battle the anger thing. Like you I lost my Father, W felt she was the punching bag, I did not feel I treated her that way but looking back at that dark time in my life, I lost my father (we were close), hated my job, and was not really thrilled with the state of my M. So yeah I get it ... its alot of work to start sorting through what makes you angry, and even more work to start changing and fixing those triggers and issues that are fueling the rage.
The good thing, you are here, there are amazing people who can truly help you... they are extremely intelligent, and better yet .. have been right where you have found yourself. Pay attention and learn, take the advice ... use it. It truly works.
W also complained that i was never there for her, i never told her how great of a person she was, and i never showed how much i appreciate her. I am confused on this because i would write her small love notes, put little surprises in her lunch box, get chocolate for her once a month, etc. I guess she wants me to be there for her in other ways.....emotionally?
I know we are not supposed to discuss books n stuff ... but this kind of screams that she is speaking a different love language than you are ... food for thought and might be worth further research.
CaliGuy-this community has been amazing so far and i truly appreciate all the caring people on this forum. I do have some 2nd thoughts as to whether or not she has OM. I guess I'm stuck in the mode of "trusting" everything she says. I will keep my focus on our S2 and the thought of S2 hanging out with OM, if there is one, kills me. I have been soul searching quite a bit and trying to GAL at the same time. I think GAL will be easier once W moves out in June.
Sandi2-
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
