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#2562648 04/30/15 03:33 AM
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Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539527#Post2539527

Thanks again for your support, Lou, Job, Bea, Gwen. I’m not against the new relationships, I’m always happy for people who can do that, who can start a new life with a new person. Sometimes I wish I could do it too. I was able to, when I was young. It doesn’t seem that easy anymore. And I hear you, Bea, about the experience we have after dealing with MLC. I’m very careful too, almost to the point of being skeptical. After all, I thought that H was a wonderful person and that I was lucky that I met him. I’m reevaluating my judgement… And it doesn’t look pretty…

Job, yes, it takes time. Don’t I know it by now… I’m just tired and exhausted. I want this time when I don’t give a rat’s @ss anymore to come now, today.

Gwen, I don’t have any energy right now for anything new. I already have a pretty intense (for me) social life. Just had another company event today. I volunteered for booth help, dressed up to support the team theme, etc. Tomorrow there is another happy hour for our big boss leaving the company. I’m actually starting to think about a quiet vacation time.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 04/30/15 03:34 AM.

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Anyway, the title for the post… It is not only about me feeing that I’m back to the time after the BD, almost 3 years ago. I’ve learnt a few things about H recently… I have a question. Is it possible for MLCer to start the cycle all over again? It seems like H went all the way back to the beginning of a Replay, with new intensity and more stupidity. I will post more details later. Very tired right now…


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Bright, I think some of them do seem to go round and round. I think they can't find their way out of the fog. Maybe too painful? It sounds like our xh's actually had a happy life with us, and now? Maybe questioning what they did is too painful. I don't know.

My xh certainly seems to go round and round. What is really going on is impossible to know. Doesn't stop me occasionally wondering though, even after all this time.

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Bright, If it has been busy then quiet is different. Just saying that when we feel like we are living in the past we have to shake it up to change our perspective and focus on the present.

Hang in there.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Bright,
MLCers will continue to cycle through the stages of replay, depression and withdrawal until the issues are resolved. They can hop, skip and jump from replay to withdrawal to depression and vice versa. There is no set pattern to how they work through their crisis. It's all in their hands and how they deal with their issues.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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OK, had a happy hour with the IT team and a big boss who is leaving the company. Yes, nerds do party too, LOL.

So, here is what I learnt. H is back to drinking himself sick. I thought he stopped at some point. Even just for the luck of money. But, I guess not. Or, it started again… Sometimes he even doesn’t have anybody to drink with him. It is just him and the bar tender at the bar… What happened with all these fun single, party loving women?...

Another thing… He is freaking lonely… He is trying to keep in touch with this crazy woman from the vacation home place. Their relationship is very strange. I think she likes his attention and he likes that she likes it, if it makes sense. She might be going into her own MLC, who knows. Or, I just never had an experience of a red neck relationships (excuse me for the labels, I don’t want to offend anybody in any way.) The woman is fre@king married! As far as I know she and her H are not separated or anything like that. I just don’t understand what her H thinks about this r with my H. As I mentioned before, H and this woman “shared” a room on the trip a couple of months ago. Was her H ok with that? I just don’t know what to think anymore. I know that H and this woman’s H are friends. What is H thinking??? I’m also 99.9% sure that there was nothing physical between H and this woman. But, he is keeping in contact and flirting with her. So does she…

I’ve got some info that H is inviting this woman to visit him in the state where he is right now. Whaaaaat??? Is he out of his mind? Is she going to sleep with him in his camper bed? This what it looks like he is doing for now. Saving some money, sleeping in his camper. It is like a repeat of 2 ½ years ago, when he was inviting this Mexican girl to visit him and live with him in the camper. OMG! Is there any hope for this man???

I guess, I’m completely confused… Is this my H who is doing this stupid thing? Does he think it is going to be OK long term? Be close “friends” with this woman and also keep the friendship with her H? Personally, I think he is going to get himself in trouble.

And… This whole “affair” is just so bizarre… What is he getting out of it? If this woman would leave her H and become my H’s GF, how would he provide for her? She is used to not working (apparently she or her H have some money). I just don’t see any future for them… Doesn’t he? It just puzzles me… As long as he is involved with her (lost cause from my point of view), he will not be able to find this “special woman”, who would be his soul mate and the answer to all his desires, LOL.

To me, it looks like he is desperate for some attention, family and the ability to share his bed with a woman again… Would he do anything for that? This is why I think he is back to replay. H is just like a teenager, trying to have some fun and excitement and not thinking about the consequences.

And, Bea, I think you are so right when you say that might be too painful for them to realize that they actually had a very happy life with us, and that they cannot get it again anywhere else…


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Hi Bright! I tried posting on the last thread, but it was already locked. My brain is such mush these days... it's hard for me to compose my thoughts to express to anyone! Yeesh! I'm a mess! Sorry bout that.

However, I still read... and what I've read... your his is still knee deep in the muck! I mean, yes, is see some movement, but really... he doesn't know what end is up at this point.

I am so proud of you. Your ability to keep composure and just remain crazy, sexy, cool (yeah... I'm from TLC era). I mean, when this chick was saying that stuff you totally rolled w it! that's awesome!

I am so glad your GAL is on-point. I don't expect any less. I mean, I know you have your reserved side... buy I also know you have it in you! Atta girl!

H is still trying to figure things out. It is pretty interesting seeing movement, right? Kind of makes me.... well... it brings up stuff for me.. but you are handling things so well. Good for you, bright!

Keep at it! You are awesome! Which I could get a weekend w ya! Go have fun. Try a different location!!!!! Away from the vacation home! Give it a shot!

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Bright,
What you have learned about your h's behavior is typical of someone in crisis. It doesn't matter whether she's married or not, she is someone he is leaning on and sharing moments of fun and drinking with. She is someone "new". It doesn't matter to him if she's slutty or a diva, but she is someone that will take his mind off his issues.

Your man is in full replay. He never left it because he's been on a slow burn and it's taken quite a while for him to get up to speed and begin experimenting w/life, just like a teenager.

Yes, to a normal, rational person who is not in crisis, many of the things that he is doing look stupid to us. We question how he can do these things and the answer is that he is depressed and in crisis. People who are depressed can and will do things that they normally wouldn't do. I am going to suggest that you start reading up on depression for men. It's important that you do so that you can understand some of the why's of what he's doing. Depression plays out just a bit differently for men than it does for women.

So, now you know he's never left replay and things are going to get a bit more interesting, or should I say crazy, for him and it's going to take a while for him to get this "new" experience out of his system. My advice, watch the business finances or any finances that you and him have together and just sit back and watch the show. It's going to be a long one and one that you will question if you even knew him...but remember...he's a man in crisis and people in crisis can do some very strange stuff, i.e., the exact opposite of the man you knew and loved.

Take care of yourself and leave your man in God's hands.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mighty, thanks for stopping by! My brain is not much better these days. I have some good days and then I have these day from “Groundhog” movie… Thanks for all the cheering! I need it. And I feel the same, I would totally party with you. I think it would be fun!

For some reason, this crazy woman is not triggering any emotion in me. Maybe because I know that it is a fantasy? Or, am I detached to the point that I don’t care anymore, and I just don’t realize it fully?

It is indeed pretty interesting to watch the movement… Just wait for what is coming at the end of this post…

Job, I agree, this woman is just someone who is there to validate H, including his drinking and partying. She might be having her own MLC, who knows. I just cannot comprehend how after almost 3 years to what I thought was a replay, H is starting anew with a full intensity. Maybe he came out of the tunnel for a second and saw that it was not pretty at all… I mean, what he’s done with his life… And my life… And my son’s life… Maybe it is too much for him, so decided to bury his head in the sand again, as deep as he could…

I will definitely read about the depression. Even though it doesn’t look to me that H is in depression. I think he is in denial, LOL. And trying to party as hard as he can…

Job, following your advice, I keep an eye on the finances, the company accounts and some joint accounts. Guess what… I just checked today… He made a purchase…

So, I followed the link and it is new swim trunks and swim shoes… OMG… Guess what color are the swim trunks… OMG! I could not believe it! They are “citrus” color. Yes, bright neon yellow kind of color! I think my H officially joined the company of WH’s xh with his infamous raspberry beret… I just cannot stop laughing… H was so adamant before about the bright neon colors of the clothing. He DID NOT like these colors. He even discouraged me from buying clothes in these colors though. The water shoes are in bright navy color. I guess they didn’t have them in neon citrus wink

Popping some popcorn now and having some wine… Can’t wait for the next “surprise”, LOL.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 05/02/15 03:03 AM.

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Bright,

This comment jumped out at me:

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I will definitely read about the depression. Even though it doesn’t look to me that H is in depression. I think he is in denial, LOL. And trying to party as hard as he can…


Don't let his partying facade fool you. MLCers are quite adept at compartmentalizing their lives. When alone, I would bet the Kent Farm that H is really depressed. I was during my MLC. So we self-medicate with OWs/OMs and doing outrageous things as a distraction tool. Heavy replays are a smokescreen for getting their agnst and depression in check BECAUSE they are not ready to deal with it or confront their inner misery.

You would do well to keep this in the back of your mind.

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