Just let it sit and sit and sit and it will all unfold in time.
Thrilled about job sitch, how delicious my special Toots.
Just wait and see if that's what you want to do. Sometimes this stuff is whimsy and in any case it will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady hasn't sung.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Toots Just looked in , really pleased for you re job ( was there any doubt ? )
Your answer to H was spot on. This is far from over , Toots has a way to go and your H has a lot further !!! No one knows how your H is really feeling , even himself Can you step back and give it time while continuing to become even more awesome ?
Thanks guys - I really appreciate your words of support, which make such a difference. It's great to check the forum during a tough period and find that people have looked in on you and offered encouragement.
I'm just letting everything absorb now and will just respond to whatever comes my way. I know it isn't over until it's over, but I'm just starting to adjust my mindset to start thinking of H as my potential STBXH, and there's business to be done between us in the meantime. As you guys say, who knows what may happen down the line, but I need to plan for the worst here. My fear is that he just will not stop now until he has found/made another family....and still maybe isn't happy. But there isn't much I can do about that.
Anyway, I'm doing okay, and have been pretty calm. I imagine it may hit me at some point though. I'm volunteering at the bookstore this morning, and going to the theatre with my Dad and a couple of family friends tonight - should be nice...
Have a good day my lovely DB friends xx
Last edited by Toots; 05/02/1506:24 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just out of interest, does anyone have any experience of divorce recovery workshops in the UK? They are aimed at S or divorcing people, and are run by a national charity, but workshops are run by local groups.
I had a look on the website and there is a group within 10 miles of me, which is handy. They also run about four residential courses a year. Just thought it might be of interest, and I may give it a try. I emailed an enquiry off today.
Their motto is you can either go through it or 'grow' through it - so it sounds like quite a positive focus. I'll let you know how I get on!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sorry no experience of the divorce recovery workshops so can't say one way or the other. Either way i'm sure that you will find a positive out of it.
By the way did relate ever get back to you after that meeting? or did i miss that somewhere?
As for your H well who knows what he is thinking, I seriously doubt he knows, in truth he is one of the WAS that i read about that i actually feel really sorry for - though its probably more pity. As you already know there isnt much you can do about him and the decisions he makes, you've just got to look after yourself and see what happens.
((((Toots))))
In the short term though you need to focus on the new job
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim, the theatre was great thanks. It was an unusual show in a small theatre. A single actor, monologue interspersed with music - very interesting. Five of us went, and had a nice chat before and during the interval.
I'll see what kind of response I get from the DRWs and let you know. There are a few in the Midlands. Normally, they run one evening a week over a six week period to a structured formula. We'll see anyway. I haven't heard back from Relate yet. They said by the end of April, but TBH they seem very busy so although keen, it may take them a while longer.
I know what you mean about H. I don't think he's in a great place, and who knows how things will pan out. I'm not even that sure whether us being M again is what I want any more. But everyone says they feel like that sometimes I guess.
Yes, I need to get focused with the new job. I have a couple of tasks to get finished off, and then some new stuff should start coming my way. I'll be in the office on Tuesday.
Hope you're having a good evening :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Having a slow start today. Didn't wake up until almost eight, and I'm lurking in bed with the ipad. I'm thinking about my sitch and the duality of the Stockdale Paradox going forwards....
In terms of overall faith that things will be okay:
*I'm moving forwards all the time..and have faith I'll be okay whatever the outcome *H wanting us to D is just words ATM. Time will tell if this will become actions and I will deal with that when it comes *He hasn't responded to my email. It could (or may not) make a difference that he sees me accepting a D will happen *I may do this divorce recovery workshop and meet others going through S/D *I know that all kinds of sitches reach dire places and some recover.
In terms of brutal reality:
*I think my H may well be in MLC....and there's no short or easy road forwards there *I know there are POWs (and maybe still OW) in the picture. H doesn't seem to be looking at our M at all. He may not stop until he has a new family, who knows... *He's told me he wants a D, so I can expect that may well happen *I'm probably going to have to deal with some legal stuff this year *We're probably going to deal with offloading the house *The whole financial side of things probably isn't going to be pleasant or easy *I have more grieving to come and some horrid stuff to go through probably
The good thing is I don't feel totally overwhelmed by all of that. I have family, good friends, this forum to support. If we reach a financial settlement, I can look forward to getting a new place. I have a job, I'm safe, warm, have food in the fridge and live in a nice place. Life really isn't so bad is it?
I'm cooking lunch for the parents today. It's wet and grey here, so that's a nice thing to be doing. Aqua aerobics later...have a good day all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The other thing that's on my mind this morning is the whole 'unreasonable behaviour' thing, as H would need to file on these grounds. If he wants to go ahead, presumably one of these things is going to happen:
He'll ask me to file because he doesn't feel he has grounds. And do I agree or not?
He'll ask me if we can 'agree' the grounds. And do I agree or not?
He'll just file, and I'll need to 'deal' with what he has cited in the petition.
There is nothing in the more serious unreasonable behaviour reasons - violence, adultery, drinking, gambling, running up debt, cruelty, witholding sex, money etc...
So, he would need to go for a 'lesser' reason. These include things like not wanting to socialise, not meeting emotional needs, not doing enough around the house, being out too much, working long hours.
I just feel it's all a bit hard to take, given his infidelity. And it's a bit of a hobson's choice. Either I file for D, enable a D by agreeing to 'grounds' or I just get filed, and I worry the grounds used may then haunt me. There aren't any nice options!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
