Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Thanks guys..

Gan, since BD, he has told me he'd have liked more kids but it wasn't central. He also said he'd be 65 before they were grown and did he want to go through all that again? Before BD, he would get broody moments and throw out a comment like - we need to adopt! But never to the point of seriously discussing that. His R with S has worsened and he's seeing less of him since BD. That's sad and ironic. I have thought about filing, but truly I don't want to do that right now.

Thanks Cali - that's good advice. And Edz, thanks for your good wishes. Jim, again thanks - I'm just absorbing and thinking right now. One thing I notice is the sitch has morphed from being sex focused to more about family. Soon after BD when he was with OW1, I asked what would need to change for us to save our M. He said I would have to dress more provocatively. That was the only thing. Now things have morphed into having a family. I think he is still looking for things to fill the hole inside of himself. Anyway, here's a draft reply:

H, I'm so sorry you feel that way. It must be hard to feel you missed out on being a full time dad. You already know this isn't what I want and that I don't intend filing for divorce. But if you decide to file, I won't stand in your way.

We can start taking steps to list the house, though a financial settlement would need to be in place before a sale could proceed. If I can help in any way, just let me know.

Take care, Toots.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
Morning Toots!

Glad to hear you sound bright this morning (at least here) can't have been an easy thing to read but temper it against the fact limbo has been broken and the job news is great (well done you, hope you are suitably impressed at your abilities and rewarded yourself and possibly BAWFT suitably!)

You can have all the positive vibes you can handle from BFT and I (((((Toots))))) no worries at all.

Reading the draft I wonder should you mention not standing in the way, your position is you dont want this and are not going to file (and are still standing or at least "happy" moving on as you are) I wouldnt necessarilly give a tacit green light for him to go ahead - just my .02 though.

The house listing part sounds ok though, it may well be that even if you both find yourselves in a future where you are together that wouldnt be the place to build it as it holds old memories and vibes.

Certainly chats between w and I about "potential" futures lead to us both moving from where we are - possibly area as well since we're not restricted by daily commutes or schools - and finding somewhere completely new to build a new home with new memories.

Just keep tootling, you're doing so, so well!

Cheers

Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
One question: is is from the heart?

If what you reply is what you want, with nothing held back, then I say go for it.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Thanks Edz and Gan. Edz, I also wasn't sure about the this isn't what I want/filing part. I guess I wanted to make it clear that I wouldn't be filing. I didn't want him to presume that I would. But equally, I don't want it to seem that I'm giving him the green light to file. Or that I'm standing in the way & trying to hold on.

I wonder if it's best to leave in the validation and house sale parts. Then for the divorce part - I understand what you're saying, and presume you'll be in touch to move things forward..

Gan, it isn't really from the heart if I'm honest. My previous 'last ditch' email where I loved him and said this isn't what I want was from the bottom of my heart. I guess this one is a bit more of a strategic response. Is that the right approach? IDK...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Toots-

I think your intended reply is very good - he already knows it's not what you want - no need to belabor the point. As for it being from the heart - you're a smart lady and I think you know you could pen a Shakespearean sonnet right now and it wouldn't have any effect on him in his condition.

I know you love him, that's obvious from your posts, but he sure sounds like a mess right now. Sometimes I read threads and really think the WAS is a jerk and wish the LBS would see it. In your case, I just feel sad for your H. Whatever he's gong through, it is obviously costing him something that was very worth having. He's made his choice to go through all of this without you. Who knows if this is really the end or where he will be years from now? For the present, I would just focus on resolving the practicalities in a way that works for you.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Just to clarify, when I ask is it from the heart - I mean is it an honest reflection of where you are at. If he said, OK...happy with what you propose...are you OK with that? I think you response should reflect exactly what you want (barring R as that appears not to be on the table right now).


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
Hi Toots

Mmmm, not my strongest field. I think its a balance between validation and bringing the strong, forward moving and punchy toots who posts here to the response to H?

Having had a tinker, maybe something like

H, thank you for getting in touch, I'm so sorry you feel that way. It must be hard to feel you missed out on being a full time dad. I think you must already know this isn't the direction I wanted us to go in, or what I want, I don't intend filing for divorce but equally I want us both to be happy going forwards.

We can of course start taking steps to list the house and we will equally need to begin drafting a financial settlement which will need to be in place before a sale could proceed.

If I can help in any way, just let me know.


As I said I'm not the best at this though, as per Gans comment (darn now I need an I agree with Gan t-shirt too!) just look to your heart as to what you want to say and make sure its reflected.

Remember we're all with you and you'll be fantastic toots smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Thanks Raliced and Gan. Raliced, you are right. He is a lovely man, and not a bad person, but he has little to offer right now. Gan, thanks for clarifying, I tweaked things and have just sent him the reply below:

H, I'm so sorry you feel that way. It must be hard to feel you missed out on being a full time Dad. You already know this isn't what I want, and I'm sad about your decision. But you know, I've already come a long way, and I know that I'll be okay.

I guess I'll wait to hear from you about moving things forward. We can start taking steps to list the house, though a financial settlement would need to be in place before a sale could proceed.

If I can help in any way, just let me know.

Take care, Toots.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Edz, we cross posted! But I think our thoughts were on a similar track there - great minds....or maybe just misspent time on the forum :-)

Thanks for your help x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
Lol, no probs toots, keep a-tootling smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard