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Sounds good Toots Don't let fear take this one over. You are an amazing person You deserve to be happy and you are looking out for Toots here. You are not trying to get anything that is not yours If H chooses to see it any other way then that's on H.

Take care marvellous Toots. xx

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Jim, thanks for your your posts....I missed them somehow...

I like your suggested wording too - hmm...I'll sleep on things. I feel better for posting anyway - felt in a bit of a flat spin earlier - You guys are great!

I agree about losing the fear. I need to find my inner power here and look after myself.

RD, thanks to you too. You are right about that. H sees much of what is 'ours' as 'his' and I start to doubt myself and buy in to his perspective sometimes. But that's on him, you're quite right.

Oh well, a new chapter for us - house sale...it will be good to get things sorted anyway.

Thanks guys xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Toots,

Sorry about all what is happening. By the way, if H file for D, how long it may take to really sign the final paper in UK?

In my state in US, it's said that we can have a final D signed in three months, but most cases take longer then that because the courts are loaded with cases and they do not have many slots available. Basically, it is three months for people that agree they want a divorce and they do not have anything to split.

Another thing is that your H takes his sweet time to answer to anything and then I see you in some kind a hurry to decide on important issues. Maybe you just take your time and even tell him you need some time to have things done right for yourself.

Another one is why you both can't meet and discuss the situation? Here, we need to split everything... retirement accounts, house, cars, other properties if there is any, debt, and so on. I even have an old account in Switzerland and that we need to split too. I don't know how it is in UK, but if it is the same they there is always room for negotiation.

No, if I forget about the legalities. It seems that maybe your H is running out of money. Could it be? and that is why he wants to sell the house?

By your comments and his way of dealing with the sitch during this whole time, it just seems that the D is not the main frame for him, but the financial side of it.

If he is an MLC, then he is spending money without being careful with it. He is living today and not thinking about tomorrow. I read a book about MLC and there was a large chapter about the crazy stuff that the MLCers do with their money. Being extravagant, gambling, expensive presents to others, and so on. Could it be the reason? or you think it is his conscious decision to move forward with all this?

I also understand that in either way it is something you can't control. I agree with that answer of yours, even tough I think that after 10 years of marriage, I would think this is such an important subject, event, that it deserve to sit down and talk face to face about it.

You are not strangers, you are just choosing different paths. But you may know better what will work for you.

And that is what is most important. DO only things that works and pleases you. When it is about money, it's pure business and you have no interest of what about him, the only one that matters here is Toots.

You do not need to make any easy for him, you do not own him anything and you can stand tall to what "YOU" want. It's scary but it is not the end for anything. Your H has still a long road to walk and it will be very bumpy at times if not always. He is in crazy mode and I have this feeling that he needs money.

I wish you sleep well and find the best direction for yourself. You know I served D papers to my H back in february. It was scary and sad, but it does not change what is going on around my sitch.

I don't know if you read what I posted on someone else thread. I know this couple that a few years ago they separated and then got divorced. They sold their M house, split the money, they both bought another place and moved on. After 5 years they remarried, they sold their place and bought a house they plan to grow old together.

This is not some drama I read somewhere, this is real life, and this couple is very happy now. Crazy things happen, we just don't know if they will happen to us.

Toots is a strong woman that will endure the challenge. Toots is as sweet person that will be gentle with herself. Toots is a lovely person that will be loved by H or someone else, maybe even better then H. Toots is a gracious person and will face it all with dignity. Toots is Marvelous because Toots is Toots.

We love you,
Pink


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Thanks so much Pink. I don't know why, but I just feel so raw about it all since I heard from him yesterday - even though it has been on the cards for a while. Reality is biting & I feel we're facing the end now. I tried to discuss it with my Dad last night - probably didn't pick the best moment as he was heading out. He has always liked H and been supportive of my efforts to save our M. He just said - surely you don't see any future together now? I said I would still like to try and save our M if possible & he just looked unhappy about that. I think even he thinks I should move on now.

I don't think this is about money with H. Yes, for sure he has spent marital funds on long haul flights to see OW1 & there's probably some other stuff....but I don't sense he has gone crazy - although there could be a nasty surprise pending there maybe? This is why the house is important leverage for me. I think it is more that he wants to move on and start a new family - become a Dad again and feel happy again. I think that is his driver.

We've actually not seen each other since August now. I don't think meeting under these circumstances is going to help. I actually think we just need to get the legal, financial and house stuff sorted now - although given we've chosen a collaborative route, there will be some contact, not just L's sending letters on our behalf. But given travel distance, my L suggested we conf. call rather than meet, which I'd prefer TBH. I dread the next time we meet being round a table with L's to sort things out.

He has suggested we walk round the house together to sort out who takes what, so I guess that may be the next time we meet. We're texting ATM, so I think I need to shorten my response. I asked him which agent we're using, and if/when he comes back, I thought of responding...

H, thanks for doing that...

In terms of settling all our finances before the house can be sold - I'm happy to file for formal separation. But if you want us to divorce, you'll need to start that process.

Just let me know either way & we can move things forward. Have a good weekend, Toots.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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(((Toots)))

It's just my view but I really don't think you should mention divorce unless its what you want - you are effectively asking him to pull that trigger.

Concentrate on what you want which is a formal financial agreement (at least I think it is) and ignore the rest.

I also don't think formal separation is a thing over here but I could be mistaken.

I hope you have a good day today despite all this


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My .02.

Listen to your solicitor.
He is trying to protect you, let him!

Divorce is not what you want however it is only a piece of paper.


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Thanks Jim and Cadet. Boy, I feel I'm taking a while to get there....thanks for bearing with me. Jim, I think you're right - don't invite him to press the D button, just focus on the one thing I need to get sorted, which is finances. I guess I just worried about 'not hearing' or ignoring him when he says he thinks we should D. I'd also like to look at Jim's previous suggestion about moving things along - by saying, I'll do X unless I hear from you otherwise.....so, that looks something like this -

H, thanks for doing that...

Unless I hear from you otherwise, I'll contact my solicitor this week, and start working towards a formal financial agreement.

Have a good weekend, Toots.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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Happy to 'bear with you' smile

Looks good to me


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D paperwork in progress
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Hi Toots,

Thanks Jim, I really think you nail this one on the head.

Toots, I like your last text. Mentioning the D is just pushing for what you don't want. This one is very much what is important for you.

When you start this process, how long time it would and can take to be final? Is this something done in days, months? This all play a role too, it is also a thin line for you H to think that he is ending another M. I would think that this does not feel good at all for him.

Besides, this crazy idea of building a family is just this... crazy. Of course it is possible, but it is very hard. He is probably dreaming that his next M will be a nice little house, with a garden in the front yard and white fence. Really?

I wonder how he would feel if he face it like it is. Starting a family, having crying babies day and night, not much time to do all the fun stuff in life what most of his married friends are doing since for our age the kids are heading out of the door soon enough. The financial side of all this.

It's sad but I think he will learn the hard way and will be in a ghost quest for awhile.

And about you Toots, just would like to remind you to take good care after yourself, eat a balanced diet, drink lots of fluids, cry when you need to, so you don't bottle everything inside. Be gentle and patient with yourself.

Don't fear Toots, it will get better.

LOVE,
Pink


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D:8/5/2015



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(((Toots)))...I know how you feel. I agree with what Jim said above and I couldn't really say it any better. It is hard when reality sinks in, but you are a strong, wonderful, independent woman and you are going to be fine. I also agree with what Pink said above about your H will learn the hard way. It is sad, but you MUST take care of yourself and do what is best for YOU. And, like Cadet said, let your L protect you. He is working for you.

My door is ALWAYS open to you, dear Toots. Molly and I love company and would be glad to show you our place and take you on a walk around the neighborhood. smile

Hang in there!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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