Bright, You still love the man he once was. You love him, but you don't love/like his behavior. I get that.
Right now, you are still doubting yourself, therefore, you do nothing. BTW, no, you are not crazy. You are still here because you are still sorting through the grieving of a marriage that has died and you are still looking for answers. Some of the answers are slowly coming to the surface, i.e., his behavior and the things he's doing now which are the exact opposite of the person you knew. Some questions that you have, you may never get the answers to them and closure w/a MLCer doesn't always happen.
Bright, you will know when you've had enough. No one can make that decision for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, FY. I don’t know what kind of hope I have. I think I want H to realize that our M was completely recoverable and that what we had was the best he could ever have.
Likely your marriage was the "best he could ever have"... and he may figure this out some day... or not.
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I’m just a hopeless dreamer…
Nothing wrong with that as long as you are enjoying every day, regardless of his actions/inactions.
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I wish I could report more movement in my sitch, but this is all I have. Received text from H today that he transferred money to my account and thanking me once again for making his check deposit for him. End of story…
I sense you are tiring of the situation. Who wouldn't? Maybe it's time to try something new. Radically new even. You CAN force change in the status quo. That's what I kinda did.
But you have to be ready.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 06/19/1501:47 PM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Bea, thank you. I do have may friends here. But, sometimes I think that I my sitch is so not relevant anymore, I just don’t want to bother people with the details and stuff. It also feels like beating the dead horse…
Originally Posted By: beatrice
Despite all of this I realise I remain fond of my xh - don't like what he has done, am not in love with him, but there is a deep and long standing bond between us which is not dissolved. It may, one day, but I am not pretending it has at this point.
Thank you for this! I was trying to put this in words. I feel like there is a bond between me and H, and I wish it would go away, so I could have my life back. I think for me it is just never going to be fully resolved, and I think it will never be for him either... This is what makes me sad.
Job, thanks for your continued support. I never expected to be in this grieving process for so long. As for H’s behavior… I don’t know… Sometimes I think that he always was like that, just masking it for some time, playing family, playing a good H and good Dad…
FY, thanks for the insights. I do think and feel that he had the best M with me. He will never have anything like that with somebody else. In spite of some disagreements, we were very suited for each other. I’m getting tired of this sitch, you are so right about it. I just don’t know what I can do, except to file for D. I did something different a few days ago. Well, it just came out, I didn’t really plan for that. I sent H the updated company file back, and I was not exactly plain business. I was a bit of playful in my e-mail, just a little. Said “Cheers” at the end instead of “Thanks”. Sooooo… Dead silence… I guess it didn’t go well… Oh well… Who cares... The dude wanted to be friends, and now he is intimidated with a cheerful response. Or, not intimidated… I don’t know…
Expecting my GF from a different state today. She is “stopping by” on her way from a vacation trip. Have dinner in the oven and a bottle of wine ready…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright! I'm so glad you are still here! Geeze... If any body's beating a dead horse.... well... I think my sitch is soooo dead.
But, I just find it safe here and I need the support. Lately, even though I have been doing more, feeling better, and getting things on track, I have this overwhelming emptiness. I come here to try to get support to help with that.
I wouldn't ever question why you come here. I mean, we all have a choice, and we are all here bc we want to be.
job and bea had some really good posts to you. And I think FY may be onto something. Something real different. Any 180's in mind? A Bright based 180!
Don't leave us - we need you as much as you need us!
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
Thank you for this! I was trying to put this in words. I feel like there is a bond between me and H, and I wish it would go away, so I could have my life back. I think for me it is just never going to be fully resolved, and I think it will never be for him either... This is what makes me sad.
Oh this is so me and how I feel. I think no matter what there will always be an unexplainable connection between my h and I - he knows it too, he has just lost the way to accept it. It has a hold over me and I wish so much it would leave, but it just sits in the background waiting for inopportune moments to shove itself back into my conscious thought. I do wonder if I will ever let him go.
Bright, you are so amazing, you live your life and are finding a way through all this, I love reading your updates and thoughts, they fill my dark tunnel with light.
Bright, I do hope that you enjoyed having your GF over last evening. I'm sure you and your guest had a fabulous time.
Bright, I know that you are discouraged because you don't have a lot of movement in your situation and that's okay. Posting updates is a way for you to get it out there and refer back to those thoughts at a later time. If you feel the need to take a break from the forum, then by all means do so. You are not obligated to post updates all of the time. Sometimes we need to take that little bit of "me" time to recharged our batteries and then we return. There is nothing wrong w/being a little bit selfish in taking care of you for a change.
Whatever you decide to do, I will support you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FY, thanks for the insights. I do think and feel that he had the best M with me. He will never have anything like that with somebody else. In spite of some disagreements, we were very suited for each other.
Of course you were well suited for each other, that’s why you had so many good years together! Likely deep down your husband knows this too… even while he attempts to stuff the feelings he had (and still has) for you, and continues on his search for whatever it is.
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I’m getting tired of this sitch, you are so right about it. I just don’t know what I can do, except to file for D.
I consider filing for D to be an absolute last resort, best to be avoided if you have any hope of rebuilding the relationship. Does your husband have a clue on where you stand? It doesn’t sound like he does.
I’ve been AWOL from the boards for a while, so I’m not %100 up to speed on your sitch, but I’m guessing you’ve been following the “keep up the PMA”, “No Relationship Talks” when interacting with him. And it’s no longer working for you… you want, need, and deserve more.
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I did something different a few days ago. Well, it just came out, I didn’t really plan for that. I sent H the updated company file back, and I was not exactly plain business. I was a bit of playful in my e-mail, just a little. Said “Cheers” at the end instead of “Thanks”. Sooooo… Dead silence… I guess it didn’t go well… Oh well… Who cares... The dude wanted to be friends, and now he is intimidated with a cheerful response. Or, not intimidated… I don’t know…
If you are tiring of the status quo, you owe it to yourself to try something new.
Truth Darts? Reality talks? Ask for what you want? (keeping specific, attainable baby steps in mind) He might surprise you and step up a notch. How nice would that be?
I think it’s much better for us and the relationship if we speak up before we get to that Double Dog Done Divorce point. Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Oh, Wow! Thanks everyone for stopping by. Mighty, Heather, HeavyD, Lou, Job, FY… I’m so grateful for your words and support.
I’m happy that my updates can brighten someone’s day. I had no idea, Lou. I think you are doing great with your sitch. I wish I could see you when go to NZ next year.
Mighty, Heather, I’ve been keeping up to date on your threads, just don’t post much, because I just don’t have much time. You both are my heroes. You’ve been pulling through some tough times and still have generosity and kindness to support other people here.
Job, you are amazing! I feel that I always have your support, no matter what. And you always have the right words and particular advice to offer.
FY, thank you again for such great insights. I kind of feel that H might still have feelings for me, but hearing it from you gives me some piece of mind and dare I say, hope. Yes, I’ve been following PMA and No R talk path, and you are so right that I’m kind of tired of it. I just feel that H is still deep down in the tunnel. Actually, another, intensified round of Replay. So, “big” movements on my part will probably do no good. But, I will think about your suggestion regarding Truth Darts and some Reality Talk. Not sure when and where I will have a chance to do that, since he is miles away and I see him maybe about 2-3 time a year. But, I will start preparing for the opportunity…
Small update… Silence from H, as expected. Nothing new on this front.
I spent some time with my GF. We talked a lot too. She called me on some things. She said that I sounded bitter and that I needed to do something to get myself moving in my sitch. I told her that I will take as long as I need to grief and process everything and that I don’t need anybody pushing me to do things I don’t feel I can do. It was a long conversation. At the end she apologized for giving me a hard time. So, the visit was good overall. I think we reconnected again.
Planning to spend some time at the vacation home next weekend. I’m so excited!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
