I'm stopping by to see how you're doing. This does get tiring at times and like you, we all want to see positive changes in our mlcer's. We all want to see progress of some sort. I think it was you that said that you feel like you're watching "Groundhog Day" over and over and over again. We are and until we "turn off the movie" it will continue to bore us. We have the remote in our hands and can change the channel or pop in a movie that we would enjoy so much more. I would love to see my h move through this a lot faster than he has but as the vets have always said, slower is usually better. We don't want them to miss even one step of their journey and have to go back and repeat what step(s) that they've missed.
The skanky woman that your h befriended it no better than my h's twinkle twat. They all have their individual issues and behaviors but most of them lack morals and are not good people. Not a person that our h's would have chosen for a partner/spouse had they not been in crisis. They chose us for all of the right reasons! Job is right, he hasn't taken any steps to end your marriage. I see that as a positive. uR probably has a few patience shovels sitting around if you feel like you need one.
It's good to hear that you're taking care of yourself as well as your home. Getting our hair done and taking time to pamper ourselves feels really good, doesn't it? Not only that, it helps our PMA.
Being able to take care of most of the repairs around the house is also very satisfying too. There are times when I feel like I shouldn't have to do this alone then I remember what it was like when my h was at home taking care of home repairs. I have so much more patience than he did and I don't miss the drama that he created when he couldn't get something repaired in 2 minutes. Even the cat ran away when he started a project! HA!
Keep doing what you're doing. He'll "wake up" one day and know that he was selfish and have regrets about how he behaved. At some point most of them do but they do it in their time, not ours.
Thanks for posting on my thread. I really appreciate your kind words. I'm going to go there soon to post an update on what I'VE been doing for me!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hi NLT, thanks for stopping by. I’m waiting for the updates on your thread. Yes, this is me who mentioned the Groundhog Day, and not once. You are so right. There have to be the way to turn it down. I like your comment about MLC process: ”slower is usually better”. I need to remember that.
The skanky woman does look similar to the twinkle twat, LOL. And another similarity between your H and mine are home repairs. We used to have a huge labrador who tried to hide between my legs when H was doing some repairs/projects in the house.
Going to the vacation home for the long weekend. Will see if there are new decorations in the condo, LOL.
Have a great weekend, everyone.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I’ve been having absolutely great time at the vacation home! I have lots of updates. I hope I have the energy to post them later.
But… On the other hand… Went to my mutual friends’ house tonight… And I think I screwed up again… talking about my H… I’ve heard very conflicting messages from my male friend. From “H is keeps digging a hole for himself” and “he is the biggest fool” and “he is not happy”, to “why cannot you let it go”, and “do you realize that he is gone”… And also, some rumors why I keep coming and staying at the condo… That it is strange for some people… and so on…
So, I came back to the condo with the decision that I need to divorce H and end all these nonsense.
I think my head is not in the right place right now. I’m my own enemy. I’m a hopeless fool, not H…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright - sorry you are having these feelings. May I suggest that you google and read up on sociopaths? I believe that many MLCers become sociopathic in their behaviours. And one of the things you end up feeling is a fool for caring.
Your friends know nothing about what is going on and what has gone on. And frankly they do not sound very supportive. By all means divorce if it is what you want, but do it when you are ready.
Please do not blame yourself for the fact that another person is callous and cruel. But do not have people like that in your life. There are a lot of really nice people out there.
It is our misfortune to have fallen in love with people who turned out eventually to have the emotional depth of a fried egg (and that is probably unfair on the egg).
There is a lot of talk here on 'working on ourselves' and while I do not deny its value, actually we did not cause another person to behave like a real a**hole. The main thing we need to learn is to walk away as long as they persist in behaving like this.
If and when they realise they have lost something valuable (as opposed to something useful!) they will find us and try and make amends. Hugs. I think you sound like a really nice person who deserves so much more in life
Bright... I'm sorry it's got you feeling out of sorts. It's unfortunate that Hesse friends are so opinionated about things. They may be trying to help, but it doesn't seem to be working.
It's funny how you can really see true colors of people in a time of need. I'm not saying they are bad, but if you don't feel supported, you may not want to hang with them like that.
I hope you have a good week back at home and you are able to settle in.
Bright, Please do not allow others to get into your head and make you think you need to divorce your h. They aren't walking and living in your shoes.
I've been reading a book that I think you might find interesting and a very easy read at 143 pages.. It was recommended on another forum that I am a member of. The book is entitled "Psychopath Free" by Peace. It talks about recovering from emotionally abusive relationships w/narcissists, sociopaths and other toxic people. I highly recommend reading it.
When you are ready to file for divorce, base it on your thoughts and feelings and not on other people's opinions. This is your life and you need to live it the best way that you can. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job! I just found psychopath free a few days ago! It is very interesting!!! Lots of info on the website.
You should check it out, bright. Reading that def helps stay detached and put things in perspective. I have found it helps me realize what I'm dealing with in regards to xh AND hww.
Mighty, I have visited the website, but since we can't mention other sites here...I didn't mention it. The book is very interesting and it will make you stop and think about people you are dealing w/on a day-to-day basis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bright - just saw your note from last week 5/15 about being angry. I have many of the same feelings - how could I have been so foolish? I know there were flags; but I believed his words, not his actions.
Just be careful putting too much emphasis on friend's opinions of your situation as they have no idea the road you have each walked on which brought you together or the true ups/downs within your relationship. Friend's often don't know what to say so end up saying what they think we want to hear.
Make decisions because they feel right for you and where you are right now.
If you continue to wait, figure out what you waiting for. What do you actually want from him. There is nothing wrong with having an unwritten checklist or deadline that you are working towards.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
First, thanks to everyone for the comments. Bea, Mighty, Job, Dejavu! You guys are great! I cannot even think what I would do without you!
Bea, you are so right about my friends not having any idea what is going on with me or H. Sometimes they make the comments which I thing very hurtful to me, but they have no idea. Plus, it looks like H doesn’t talk to them anymore. So, they just make their own assumptions about the stuff.
Mighty, Job, you are so right about people not having any idea what it’s like to walk in my shoes. I think my friends are still great people who are trying to help in the way they know.
Dejavu, this is exactly what fell into – my friends’ opinion. I realize now that their opinion might not reflect the reality.
Anyway, here is some update. I had a happy hour at my company today, so bear with me, as I assume there will be some bad grammar coming… Like I mentioned before, this past weekend at the vacation home was great. My (mutual) friends wanted to do a b-day dinner for me (my b-day is coming in a few days), and they ended up inviting a few people to it. So, they asked if we could do it at my (H’s) condo. There were about 14 people. My other GF came too, and brought 4 friends with her. I knew 3 of them before. I also had my neighbors from where I live (who came with me) and there were a few more people who I knew. My (mutual) friends cooked a great dinner. We had a great night!
Next day I went for a dinner with my neighbors, then went to my GF’s house for a party. We ended up going to the beach and do some fireworks.
We also were at the pool in the afternoon. The weird part was that that crazy woman, H’s friend, came to say hi to me and my GF. She gave me a hug. WTF? Still not sure what she is trying to do… Drive me away… Or, be my friend…
And then I went to my friends’ house for dinner… And that’s where this stupid stuff happened. I mean the conversation about H, etc. It think part of my problem was that my male friend told that there was a condo on sale. It was for like 1/3 of the price that we paid for our (H’s) condo. I was so tempted… I want the place on my own. I don’t want to see H’s stuff in the condo when I come, the pictures of his relatives, etc. But, I don’t have money to invest into a condo over there. So, I was so conflicted… All kinds of stuff went through my mind… Like, why I’m even in this position now? I had a good life and great dreams about the future, and H destroyed all of that… So… this was my down moment…
I’m OK now. I came home and I decided that I can use the condo for as long as H is OK with it. I don’t have to invest any money in it. He is paying the bill, and I can use it. If it changes, then I can deal with it then.
So, here goes the weirdest part… One of my friends (who is also friends with H on the Favebook) posted a video of my B-day celebration at the condo. My friends had a cake for me, but forgot the candles. My other GF brought up some sparkles, so we had the sparkles on the cake.
Before that video, I’ve got an e-mail from H. He sent me a company file, saying that he fixed his computer. In the P.S. he said this: “saw a couple photos from “vacation home”, looks like everyone was having a good time.” He definitely refers to pics on the Facebook.
So, back to that video from the condo with the b-day cake, the sparkles on it and everybody singing “Happy B-day” to me… H posted a comment on that video: “Holy [censored], were you guys trying to burn my house down!”, and then some more… Was he jealous that we had a great time in “his” condo? Or, just trying to claim it as his own? I thought it was strange that he even identified himself on FB.
Like I said, I had a happy hour at my work, so I came home in a great mood, LOL. So, I posted on that video: “Never had fireworks on my b-day cake! It was Awesome!”, and put a smiley face at the end. Well, it didn’t take long for H to respond: “Good for you, looked scary on video.” WOW!!! He communicated with my on FB! Got scarred about “his house” burning, LOL!
I will reply to his post shortly. Just can’t decide if I want to be funny, or sarcastic, or nice….
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
