Now you have the answers what difference does it make to approach? Or why ask?
Thanks
It all helps to give us a picture of what is going onin your marriage in order to help you.
For instance
Originally Posted By: StuartH
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Have there been any other times that you or either of your W's were involved with another person?
not me in any relationship. Yes my wife with all her long term relationships, has cheated and either stayed and then cheated or ultimately left. She has had 3 long term relationships. With her x H she cheated with boyfriend before him, Uni college and wanted to do when they were on a break , they then got married. Then with me.
This establishes a pattern of cheating, running from one marriage/relationship to another. Avoiding looking inside and trying to FIX self with another person.
You also had a part in this, and all these questions and answers can help to figure out what that part is.
I am not sure this answer will be what you are looking for however maybe in TIME you will understand.
Always a suggestion as to how to fix things (my mind works like this, if I ask someone for help or advice then I either take that info and use it or not. My W however takes that as me imposing my view on her)
W feeling that I did Not let her come to her own decisions.
As she says being to nice, good to her.
Still these actions does not push W into A,
As they say all women love a bad boy...... Time for change :-)
During the low point of this (when I found out my W was still having the A) she said some things about the affair.
1. I now it cant go anywhere, he has nothing 2. It will end as he (the OM) is leaving the country (mid May) to go back home (Latvia) as he has nothing here to keep him. 3. W could not ask him to stop for her she said.
I feel that she is doing exactly what is in the script, Keeping me in reserve, (which I said to her) and having cake and eating it.
SO
Would advice be to remove myself completely from anything to do with M (Like, I have changed my working week significantly to helping with the childcare (so she can work at new job and I beleive....errr actually know to see OM)
Try to avoid talking to her if at all possible. If you talk about the M, A, OM, D, really anything at all, she'll think of it as relationship talk, controlling, pursuing. It'll push her away and her responses will aggravate you because they wont be what you want to hear.
Try to relax. Play with you son or go for a walk. Just sitting outside alone is better than the back and forth.
It's hard as hell, but you have to fight through the impulse to reason. Reasoning isn't going to happen.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
You and your W started out dishonestly. The way you describe your W and your relationship, you were deep in the fog yourself when you had an A and cheated on your first W. Yes I understand what you said about your first M, but you know what? It's what all WAS's say about their M's just so they can move on to another relationship. You were M'd when you met and had a relationship with your current W, therefore you were having an A.
Yes it's written that all A's end. Have you ever considered that THIS M of yours is the A that's ending? That's the way I see it. Because you and your W never bothered to look at what caused your first M's to fail. In fact, reading your description of your first M, you blame it all on your first W. We don't know her side of the story.
So here you are now. Your W now is wanting to leave because she feels it's easier to leave someone than working on a R like she did with her first H and like how you did with your first W.
How did the two of you deal with conflict? Did the two of you actually tried listening to one another or did you just ignore each other?
You actually wanting to tell the kids is just wanting to shame her. In fact, it's a little hypocritical since you cheated on your first W don't you think?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I saw some similar stuff when I confronted my WW (2 months after BD, but now 6 months ago.)
She told me it was not 'much' of a PA, that it was just a fling, that they had just been messing around as friends, it was over, it never had a chance, etc. etc. etc. Then she let down her guard enough to say "He's not going to leave his GF anyway." and "The A is over, but he's still going to be my best friend to get through this."
It took me a few hours for those statements to sink in and then I realized I was Plan B. (This is all non-DBing, FYI) When I talked with her after realizing this; I repeated back what she said and then said "WW, do you still love him?" It totally caught her by surprise that I figured that out and she said "MCS, I don't know what it is, maybe." I then said that when I said that I would work on the M; it would not be with someone else involved and not just physically, but also emotionally.
__________
I heard this time and time again, but it didn't sink in for months. You need to do what is good for YOU. Don't worry about her, you can't fix it. Don't 'try' to make this easier on her...this is her decision. But don't be a jerk about it (telling her about keeping you in reserve is borderline depending on how it was said)
If YOU are okay being around her without pursuing, begging, etc. and can give her space; than fine. If YOU find you can't do that and it emotionally is taking a toll on you, then the advice I see around her from the Veterans is ask HER to leave or switch schedules.
Stuart, the thing that took me forever in my head to comprehend is this. What part of this is your choice???? Yeah, that's what I thought. So why make it easy on her by catering to her. Read back through Sandi's WW thread as you can see that a WW is a master of manipulation and will do that without regard of your emotions.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
