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Joined: Apr 2015
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Lucy105 Offline OP
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Oh, and I weighed in for the week at Weight Watchers today.....11 lbs down for the week! Another small victory for me! smile


M: 47 / H: 52
No children.
Own a business together.
Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31
Moved out: 4/7
Confirmed OW: 4/16
Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Hi Lucy,

As others have posted, I'm sorry that you are here but it is like one supportive family. You will be, as I'm sure you've already noticed, understood and given good advice.

I believe my good friend Mahhhty said, "We all have a hand in how our spouse reacts" or something similar. I couldn't agree with him more. It seems like you have the right attitude. Hang tough.

Also, if you have time, you may want to create a "signature" so people, at a quick glance, have some idea about your situation. Something like what you see at the bottom of this post.

I wish you well, Lucy. grin

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 61
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Lucy you seem so ahead of the game. You are very self aware.

The more I go on my DB journey the more I see the power of detaching. There's a reason why many here suggest calling the Last Resort Technique the First Resort Technique.

Congratulations on the weigh-in!


Separated and DB dropped 02/09/15

*I love you people.
Joined: Apr 2015
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Lucy105 Offline OP
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Thank you RealMe. smile

I want to run something past everyone. I have a male friend that I met when I sold some of my camera gear. Him and his wife are such kind people! He confided in me, that he had had an affair, and everything they went through. He recently suggested to me that I tell my husband that he has not burned any bridges with me, and I am always willing to work on our relationship. He said if his wife hadn't done that, that he would have kept going with the affair.

I don't think my husband is ready for that right now, with as irrational as they say he has been, and as angry as he's been. But would anyone suggest this down the road?


M: 47 / H: 52
No children.
Own a business together.
Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31
Moved out: 4/7
Confirmed OW: 4/16
Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 61
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Posts: 61
Lucy I think you should avoid any R talk right now.


Separated and DB dropped 02/09/15

*I love you people.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 46
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Lucy105 Offline OP
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Someone asked me in a few messages back, what my part in pushing him to divorce was. I believe a lot of it had to do with when I quit my full time job in 2003. It was an extremely stressful job, and it just got to be so overwhelming for me, I cried there just about every day because of the pressure. We had discussed it, and he was ok with it at that time, as long as I had another job, which I did, but the money was not the same. I don't think down deep he really was ok with it though. After that we moved way out of the area, and then about 7 years after that, moved to where we are now.

I have always had a part time business that I ran from home, up until buying the restaurant. I do feel he has always had resentment for this though,even though he never said anything about not having a full time job.

His job was very hard on both of us, physically for him, and he was working out of town ALOT! I was always alone. Two different times, for a year each time, he was sent to work out of state during the week, and only home on the weekend. It made it so difficult to reconnect in two days, and then he'd have to leave again, it was the big reason we never had kids. Every time it was almost the end of the weekend, I would start to tense up, and get nervous, knowing come Monday morning he was gone again for the week.

When we bought the restaurant, it was not what either of us expected it to be! It was way more involved than either of us thought it would be. After so many years of him being out of town all the time, it began to take its toll on me. He started to get stressed, and was all business, as he should be. He started smoking again, and slowly pushed me out. I was alone ALOT again. I never ever wanted to run it, and respected that he was the boss, and had the final say, but he never believed me, so it was a constant battle, and I just started working from home more, and started my photography business up again.

The last year he started to really change. It was all about having fun with the staff, and the attention from the customers for him. I didn't exist anymore. I got Mr. Cranky all the time, and everyone got the best parts of him.

It seemed to me like I always had to fight for any attention from him. I admittedly did push him.....to much. It was a very hard situation to go through at those
times.

Looking back, I wish I had known about the tools I'm learning now! I have seen literally EVERYTHING that I have been doing wrong. I always felt I was right, and he was wrong. I was unwilling to see another side. I didnt know any other
way at the time.

I know I had a huge roll in this, and this is why I have been unable to feel anger towards him at this point.

Don't get me wrong, he has not been a perfect man to live with, he definitely has some issues as well, but I feel like I'd just be bashing him if I ran through the list. Truth be told, he has been a very supportive husband to me, and I wish I hadn't taken it so for granted. That's why I feel so hopeless........I've completely seen the light, and done a lot of hard work to help guide me to a more positive loving place. I just pray its not to late.

It wasn't all bad, we had a lot of fun times together, and some great memories! But I think a lot of issues have been magnified by the stress and pressure of the restaurant. I honestly feel like he's been in the throws of a midlife crisis for the last year.


M: 47 / H: 52
No children.
Own a business together.
Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31
Moved out: 4/7
Confirmed OW: 4/16
Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 46
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Lucy105 Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 46
Thank you RealMe. I agree, no contact now.....but I'm asking about down the road. smile


M: 47 / H: 52
No children.
Own a business together.
Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31
Moved out: 4/7
Confirmed OW: 4/16
Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 46
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Lucy105 Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Lucy105
I'm not holding onto a lot of hope here with him, he's a stubborn man, and I am his 2nd wife.
I am realistic.
He did this to his first wife also, with the exception that he was very young then, and she had cheated on him with the man she's married to now.
Before they were divorced, he ran into the arms of a very dysfunctional woman, and that relationship was very short lived as well........same thing as his current relationship is now....I'm telling you all, this lady is CRAZY!


So don't take this the wrong way but what does this say about YOU?


Cadet, I'm still curious what you meant by this? smile


M: 47 / H: 52
No children.
Own a business together.
Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31
Moved out: 4/7
Confirmed OW: 4/16
Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: Lucy105
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Lucy105
I'm not holding onto a lot of hope here with him, he's a stubborn man, and I am his 2nd wife.
I am realistic.
He did this to his first wife also, with the exception that he was very young then, and she had cheated on him with the man she's married to now.
Before they were divorced, he ran into the arms of a very dysfunctional woman, and that relationship was very short lived as well........same thing as his current relationship is now....I'm telling you all, this lady is CRAZY!


So don't take this the wrong way but what does this say about YOU?


Cadet, I'm still curious what you meant by this? smile

When I first got here, I did not understand all the advice I was being given.

Like - Look in the mirror and make yourself a better person.
I think to myself - Cadet you are awesome why would anyone divorce YOU?
What changes in myself would I make to be better?
I really struggled with this, as I read different threads and
saw all the cheating, drinking, lying, drugs that were going on.
I thought, none of that is me, or my STBXW.
So what am I going to change and WHY?

I ended up discovering that I and most people here,
are codependent, fixers, conflict avoiders and pursurers.

So I said to myself, here is what I must work on.

Another words, it is kind of like the alcoholic who says I am going to
do a 180 and stop drinking hard liquor, only beer and prescription drugs from now on.
Is this the right change(180), ummm NOPE.

SO - a long explanation - to try to get you to think about what do YOU need to change?


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Apr 2015
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Lucy105 Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet. I understand now. I feel that I was very needy with my husband, for his affection, and I relied way to much on him to make me happy....way to much, to the point I didn't appreciate what I did already have with him! I didn't come from a place of love, but more a place of entitlement. In my journey so far, I think I made those discoveries early on, and have really done a lot of work to change my way of thinking.


M: 47 / H: 52
No children.
Own a business together.
Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31
Moved out: 4/7
Confirmed OW: 4/16
Took divorce off the table: 4/24
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