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BEClem #2562595 04/30/15 01:34 AM
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Bond,

One thing to remember is that this is a story that spans nearly fifteen years. We've been together since we were 21 years old (2001).

So it's been an ebb and flow. My depression and anxiety started at the end of 2009.

I knew about her abuse while we were still dating (2001). So I don't want you to think I've been erratic in my behavior for the entirety of our R.

My W does have a role in this. Trust me. She does.

But my role is equally as much. Mine has been the last 5 years and had been the catalyst for this. The last 5 years is when I have been erratic. And you are correct. I lost her trust.

I covered a long time frame so I don't want you to be confused by my story.

Again, I don't blame her. But I'm also not 100% to blame either. But I do own my part fully. And that is what I am focused on. Making the changes that I need to make.

Is that any clearer? I just am trying to clear up any haziness or confusion you might have.

Again. Thank you so much for your insight and support.

BEClem #2562614 04/30/15 02:35 AM
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Some good news. Nothing major but good nonetheless. Today marks 1 week since she dropped the bomb on me at our very first C session when she had agreed to give C a second try.

It was last Wednesday where she had said she was done. She couldn't stay married to me and couldn't do this anymore.

As you all know, I bought some time after that session by asking if we could let it breathe for a while and not discuss it. She agreed and I went right back on plan the very next day.

So far so good. She has not brought up anything about us or about us splitting. I have continued to be the best and most attentive father I can be. I am laser focused on showing her through my actions that my changes that I am working on in myself are for real.

Many of our interactions this past week have been pleasant. None have been bad. I never initiate contact unless it concerns the children. I never discuss us or pursue.

I stay upbeat, confident and positive in all of my interactions with her. And you know what? I'm actually starting to feel better. I'm starting to feel like I'm growing a little bit each day.

I'm hoping that what is happening is that even though she said she was done last Wednesday that what she is actually doing is giving me more time. I'm hoping that she actually has doubts about us splitting and is watching me. Observing me to see how I react. Trying to figure out if I'm trying to trick her.

So far so good everyone. One week down and many many more to go.

I figure that the more time that passes where she does not bring up us or push the issue of splitting for good the more my chances of success increase.

BEClem #2562658 04/30/15 04:02 AM
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"I knew about her abuse while we were still dating (2001). So I don't want you to think I've been erratic in my behavior for the entirety of our R."

Who cares? All that matters is that when you started having anxiety attacks, they affected your R and sped things up. Even if you didn't have these attacks, you didn't exactly tell her that you wanted her to be nicer to you in a way she understood.

"My W does have a role in this. Trust me. She does.

But my role is equally as much. Mine has been the last 5 years and had been the catalyst for this. The last 5 years is when I have been erratic. And you are correct. I lost her trust.

I covered a long time frame so I don't want you to be confused by my story.

Again, I don't blame her. But I'm also not 100% to blame either."

Look, all that is blameshifting. Bottom line is that you can only change your behaviors and not hers. You want to change? That's great. So change. Right now you can't change her BUT you can slowly introduce doubt into her.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2562662 04/30/15 04:23 AM
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Bond. I think I see the lesson you are trying to teach me.

Focus 100% on my role and forget about hers. Change myself because it's what I have control over.

I can tell by your tone that you are trying to teach me something in a "tough love" manner.

Am I getting your point?

BEClem #2562801 04/30/15 03:44 PM
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By the way Bond. This statement you made was very powerful and insightful or me:

"Look, all that is blameshifting. Bottom line is that you can only change your behaviors and not hers. You want to change? That's great. So change. Right now you can't change her BUT you can slowly introduce doubt into her."

Thank you smile

BEClem #2563018 05/01/15 02:37 AM
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Today was the best day by far as far as interaction with the W were concerned.

It's still very very early so I am not getting my hopes up. Staying the course with what seems to working.

BEClem #2563263 05/01/15 07:50 PM
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Don't forget to WRITE your goals down. They will keep you on track.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2563376 05/02/15 02:51 AM
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Yes Sir. I just got to that chapter in the book and starting writing them down.

I'm trying to understand how to be specific enough with the goals. For example I first wrote I wanted the sep to end.

Than I adjusted it to a goal of: Being in the process of reconciliation and either being back home or in the process of ending the sep by October (6 months).

Other goals I am brainstorming:

Be the best father I am capable of being to my children.

Stay patient and focused upon self improvement. Be the change I wish to see in my R.

Are these the types of things that are acceptable goals? I understand from the book that they should not be complaints about my R or my W. They should be action oriented items that I can effect change on through my own growth and actions.

I know that my overall personal goals are that I am focusing on making real and long term positive change in myself. Keeping my anxiety and depression at bay and getting myself back to the real me. Speaking to my children every single day and spending all of my off time with them and make that time quality. Respect my wife's space and her current feelings. Be kind and confident and courteous to her but do not pursue. Stay patient. Stay patient. Stay patient. Stay patient. Patience is not a strong suit of mine so I had to write that four times smile Regain my wife's trust. Regain her desire to want to be around me / spend time with me. Be back home and / or be in the process of reconciliation within 6 months.

BEClem #2563379 05/02/15 02:58 AM
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Overall I feel very good. It has now been 9 days since the "counseling incident". I have stayed consistent in my actions. Really focusing on my children. Really looking inward at myself. What role I played and what changes I need to be making in myself.

Interactions with the W have been very upbeat and positive. She has made no attempts to bring up us or pushed for the D. She is a smart woman. I know that she knows that I am making an attempt to show her that my changes are real and that my intentions are pure. She knows exactly how I feel.

I believe, as I've said before, that she is giving me a chance to prove these things to her without her saying she is giving me a chance. I believe she is observing. Knowing my wife, she is a very no nonsense and straightforward person. If she were completely done as she said 9 days ago I believe she would have said "stop trying. It is over" by now.

But she hasn't and our interactions have been very pleasant. They are mostly focused upon the kids. None of them are focused on us. But we've shared some nice moments of humor and such.

BEClem #2563458 05/02/15 11:37 AM
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Bond,

I get the feeling (please confirm) that you are a success story. Someone who actually succeeded in stopping your divorce. Am I correct?

I value the insight you have been providing me very much and I want you and everyone else on here to know: I am listening to you and following your advice to a tee.

I presume to know nothing (a beginner's mindset) and am here to learn from and listen to those with experience.

Again, thank you to you and to everyone else who has been on here to show me support and give me advice. I appreciate all of you so much.

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