Thanks Fogg. You hear it over and over in the forum, but it is sooo hard to detach when you are under the same roof. My wife spent the last hour or so texting OM. Then she comes over to me at 11PM, while I am in the middle of doing work on my computer, and wants help planning for my S13s Bar-mitzvah.
I have such a difficult time not being snide and rude towards her. It takes so much effort to just make eye contact with her. I have such a distaste and negative feelings towards her whenever she is near me. I know I should try to be civil and friendly like I would treat a stranger. I do this all the time at work - for instance when I am caring for a patient or family that I am not too fond of - Yet, I can't seem to fake it with my W. I am a bit ashamed of it, but my disdain for her oozes through my every pore. That is why I choose to avoid her most of the day. I treat her like she is invisible. I know this is not consistent with DB best practices. I know that this will not make me more attractive and that it will not give her any incentive to end her A. I know that this behavior may alienate her children from her. But I also know that my ego is still hurting badly. She acts so normal - as if nothing is happening.
reminder to self: I REALLY HAVE TO STOP LOOKING AT HER PHONE USAGE!!!! Why does the LBS do this? Why the morbid curiosity? From where does that powerful urge to spy and snoop come from? It certainly does not help.
I need a lot of help. Thanks for listening, whoever is out there.
If we could all take our own advice we wouldn't need each other! It's easier to see what "should" be done in a situation that we are not attached to....ahhh detachement!
Glad you finally told her to leave the MB and that you are feeling good about it!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Not good, GREAT! It is the first boundary I have set. Even better: my W invited a houseguest to stay over the weekend without asking me. So Friday night she returned to the BR. I was not deterred. I told her she could not stay. I kept repeating my boundary. She stormed out like a teenager. I think she just finds one of the kids beds to sleep in. I don't think the kids mind too much. In fact they probably rather like having their mom sleep with them. I think it is dysfunctional. There is a guest room in the basement that she could use (when there are no guests) but I think she is still trying to prevent the kids from noticing that I kicked her out.
I found an awesome thread, a success story, that I think everyone should read. It illustrates DB and is relatively brief. I read the entire thread in about 3 hours. It is by Onguard. Just amazing. His writing is succinct and both his mistakes and successes are illustrated so well. It gave me hope. Here is the link: Onguards thread I think EVERY LBS should read it.
Weekends are generally tough because we are under the same roof, but I have to say that since the weather improved, this weekend was much much better. Did some running, playing with the kids, took the kids for ice cream. More importantly, I made a conscious effort to not become preoccupied with W. She went out on Sunday night and I did not wonder for a second whom she was with. I did not look at the clock to seen when she is coming back. I did not snoop through her drawers. Most importantly, I did not look at her text usage to see when she texted OM. I regret this every time I do it.
I have not looked at W phone record since last week, and I am better for it. I think I will continue to NOT look at it. I will eventually have to look at it because L suggested I have a means to document just how much time W spends texting. Also, Some of you recommend having a hidden means of verifying WWs actions, in case there is an effort to R. But for now, I am going to limit it to once per month.
I am still reeling from OnGuards awesome thread in the Infidelity section. I suppose it is because his sitch is so similar to mine, and succeeded. One difference is that OM dumped his W, but anything can happen. Either way, I still need to work more on myself and GAL.
I am really going back and forth about some boundaries. One the boundaries that is clearly spelled out is cutting off WWs cell phone. It makes perfect sense because I should not need to finance her ongoing A.
the problem - as usual - is FEAR. I am afraid that if the D mediation fails and we go to court that I will no longer have the evidence that she continues to communicate with OM an absurd amount of time during the day. Once I no longer have access to her phone, she can always claim that she is reformed and that she no longer texts OM. My sister - who has been really supportive the whole time - strongly cautioned against giving up my access to W's phone records. She also spoke to another L who corroborated this stance. From a DB perspective, I really want to lay down that boundary, but from a legal perspective, I worry.
The other boundary is the credit card. This month I saw a $650 charge for women's apparel. Later there was $360 credit. So I am not sure whether Ws use of the card is legit - perhaps a dress for the Bar-Mitzvah - or whether she is over spending. Also, I don't know what else she will charge to the card. Should I wait until she does do something reckless with the card?
It felt good to state my first boundary (out of MBR) and have it stick. I just don't know how to proceed.
I was re-reading the lighthouse story. Part of "being the lighthouse", is protecting children from OP.
The OM is around in the neighborhood during the day and also comes to my children's school. Last year, he brought my D8 home from the bus stop. It was a very cold day, but my W was going to be there 5 minutes later. In retrospect, W may have asked OM to picker D8 up. My W obviously saw nothing wrong with this - and said so to me and our Rabbi.
Obviously, contact between the OM and my children is inappropriate. How does one set this particular boundary? More importantly, how does one enforce this boundary. Anyone with any experience?
First of all - I don't know that this is really a "boundary" issue, at least the way the term is used here. Usually when we talk about boundaries here- it's in regard to how we allow people to treat us. That's not really the same thing as "I don't want you to expose our kids to your AP". Others may see it differently.
Second- your wife and all the WASs on this board have lost all reason on this topic. It doesn't matter that there is a mountain of easily available data that points out how bad it is for kids. It doesn't matter that their own friends and family think its a terrible idea. It doesn't matter that once upon a time they themselves thought it was horrible when someone they knew did it. You can call it "affair fog" - but they have crossed a line and no longer think rationally on this one.
Third - this board is littered with people who agonized over this same problem. Some of them had very strong voices and confidently asserted that there was no way their WAS would do that. Guess What? They almost always find out that no matter what oaths were sworn, the WAS did whatever the heck they wanted to do anyway. I've been reading these boards for 9 months now. I can tell you it happens over and over and over and over.
In my case - the first time I saw my STBX after he basically ran off - I was very amenable to most things- but I made it clear that he was not to bring my children around his girlfriend. I believe the phrasing I used was "That is the one thing that will make this situation incendiary". He agreed emphatically that he wouldn't do that. But of course, he was already secretly living with her and introduced them that very weekend.
I had some suspicions for a while that he denied with righteous indignation. When it finally came out two months later, I have to say that it was a deal breaker for me. I began to completely cooperate and even drive the divorce.
Now she gives my daughters massages. Not a thing I can do about it.
My only hope here is that he might eventually lose this girlfriend and then I might be able to have a conversation about the advisability of introducing kids to romantic interests too soon, while he is somewhat sane and rational.
Sorry to be a downer, RAI. Can you stop it? Maybe if there is some consequence that she cares about.
