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NoleGrl Offline OP
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Well, I now have confirmation of OW. One of my friends saw them out together last week. I know I shouldn't have said anything, but I did. At first he played dumb, then tried to deflect by questioning my motives in asking, then said that they were just friends hanging out. Then he goes into that fact that he hasn't changed his mind about us getting a divorce (so I guess then it's ok to date someone else?) and that all I've ever tried to do is manipulate and control him.

Then he again asked about getting the house appraised and splitting the assets. I told him that he wanted the divorce so he could figure it out. Then he said I have mentioned wanting out previously and now I don't want a divorce? I said that I have been fighting for our marriage since October and the whole time he had just been placating me by saying he was confused and that him moving out was only "temporary" but he knew all along what he wanted. Then he said.....that he had to move out because he was CONCERNED FOR HIS SAFETY! WTF? He said that he was scared because I had a gun (which he told me at one point during our in house separation that he didn't want it in the house so I locked it in the glove box of my car). I have done a lot of things, but I have NEVER threatened him with violence in any way or mentioned the gun or alluded to it in fights or anything of that nature.

I mean no wonder he thinks it's ok for him to divorce me, he is telling himself that I was going to harm him. I mean really?!

I am so not detached, I'm horrible at DBing, every interaction we have just reinforces his desire to get a divorce. I'm not sure there is any hope for our marriage.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Nole-

Couple of things. First off, read this link. I just read it the first time yesterday, I wish I had 10 months ago:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=588545

OK. Now you know the script. So no need to be surprised about it. Chillax and detach. Your WAH is on a roller coaster. You get to choose if you ride along. You can only control you.

Do you want to be the clingy person that is dragged through heck and back because you can't stand on your own two feet, who doesn't have a shot at reattracting your spouse back, and who makes the same mistakes in your next M?

Or do you want to be the strong woman that detaches, does some self care, GAL, and then works hard to grow to become Nole 2.0, someone that either has a shot at bringing H back or that is ready to be in a happy M or happy regardless of a partner?

Last edited by Cadet; 04/29/15 10:42 PM. Reason: Link

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Mar 2015
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Nole Girl my heart bleeds for you. I'm sorry that you had to endure the blow of confirmation.

I have my suspicions that my W is in an A but no confirmation.

My IC stresses that I find a silver lining in everything. Everything. Well... .. how in the hell would I (or you) find a silver lining in confirmation of an A? I don't know. If I had to try-

*More motivation to work on yourself for yourself
*Explanation for 'unexplainable' behavior
*Reason to truly detach

My guess is that he thinks he knows exactly how you're going to act now that you know. It's your opportunity to show him how wrong he is.

Please take care of yourself a little extra for the rest of this week and weekend. Any friends or family you can be around?


Separated and DB dropped 02/09/15

*I love you people.
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I'm sorry you're here but I had to Laugh when I read your update.

Not at you or your sitch but your H. My H said the same thing about his safety. He's a pretty built guy and has no reason to fear his safety around me. He used this excuse for him not coming over to our house when I was home. Total script. Don't react to it.

Oh and... You can talk til your blue in the face. There's not one thing right now that's going to make or break it. I thought I could say things that would snap H back to realizing he wanted to be with me. Def didn't happen.

Let him be with Ow. As train told me and I'm telling you - she will show her true colors eventually. Step back and let that happen. its his mess and when it goes up in flames you don't want to get burned

Best of luck

Last edited by T0324; 04/30/15 01:50 AM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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NoleGrl, hugs to you. You are not alone in this emotional roller coaster.

My H has said he is scared of me too and he is over 6ft to my 5ft nothing!!!

I too feel that some days there is hope and others everything he does reinforces the D. My H has me served in March and I still have not detached! it has been so hard for me to do so.

I can't believe after 25 years together he is able to walk away. However, I also know that this hasn't been an easy decision for him and I know he hurt badly at the beginning trying to decide what to do. (H told me this)

Believe it to not, I think they are hurt and confused as we are, and the only way they can see to stop their hurt is to get away from us.

I don't have much advice as I am poorly equipped to deal with my own situation.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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NoleGrl Offline OP
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Zues, I came across that link yesterday and actually laughed out loud. I mean I'd heard of the "script" but didn't think it was that exact. I mean it sounded like it was coming straight from H's mouth! It is just so amazing to me.

I feel like I am both of the people you described, just at different times. I'm fairly independent, have great friends that I have been making plans with, keeping my life busy, working out and training for various races, self reflecting. BUT, even in doing these things, I always have one eye on what H is doing (or in the case of yesterday, find out without even looking) and bam, its like that other person disappears and out comes the un-detached clingy person who says and does all the wrong things even while knowing she shouldn't be. It's almost like I'm possessed. Just wish I knew how to detach.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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Have you read the "Two Wolves Parable"? Google it, the second and third hits look like they take you right to it. Short read, but spot on...shoot, it's short, I just copied it here:



An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
WHICH WOLF ARE YOU FEEDING? We always have a choice…

Last edited by Zues126; 04/30/15 05:30 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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NoleGrl Offline OP
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RealMe, thank you for your reply. It is one thing to suspect, but it feels like a knife in my heart to actually have confirmation. Maybe the silver lining is that now that it is out in the open, maybe it can run it's course faster.... I just kept thinking that if he was trying to hide it or it was secret that maybe it wasn't progressing as quickly as it would if it were "public", you know?


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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NoleGrl Offline OP
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TO and Smothy, thank you for your reply. I'm glad I'm not the only one that H is afraid of (you know what I mean)....I thought that was a pretty crazy one, but I guess not.

TO, I have read though all of your threads and wanted to say I'm glad to hear that you and your M are in such a better place. I've read so many, I forget all the details. What did your H say was the reason he changed his mind and came back?

Smothy, it is sure hard to believe that they are hurting too, but I'm sure it is true. Hang in there!


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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NoleGrl Offline OP
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Great story Zues, so true.


Me:36 H: 29
T: 4 years
M: 2 years
No kids
In-house sep 10/4/14
H moved out 1/2/15
Talk of D 4/9/15

"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take" John Mayer
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