Day Two

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks mirage,

I can't even imagine loosing a twin.

Today is the one year mark for exw first attempt. I do think it was a learning experience. It also forced me and my daughters to develop a different and better relationship than we had before. During this period I have watched a friends family fall apart after his wife did commit suicide. I feel lucky that I was already starting down a road of self introspection and improvement at that point or I may have ended up in his shoes as well.

My daughters still have a long ways to go. They do not want to talk about it still. I know the ex tried to talk about it with them and I have tried and they rebuffed us. I know in time they will open up and come to talk about it. I feel the thing I learned the most from this is to be patient. I learned to let go of things that really did not matter and to give those that did the time to blossom. I think we all learn at some point that living is a life long learning experience. If we are open to it we grow and enjoy life. if we aren't we become negative bitter people who can't let go of the anger.

[Lifes Twists]

I don't want to read to much into anything, but yesterday I feel there was a big shift. My youngest is sick and may have strep throat. I let ex know. After work, Ex text me how was daughter doing? I let her know that doctors sent culture off to lab but did not offer anything else. Wife then text me that it was the one year anniversary of her incident and that she was sorry for all the drama it had caused. I told her it was not her fault and nothing to apologize for. I told her that I prayed for her everyday to find the happiness that she was seeking. We exchanged a few more text and I got a sense that she needed to talk. I asked her if she was ok and did she want to take a walk and talk. She said she was worried older daughter would be mad. I said don't tell her and we could meet in the park. She jumped at that and must have torn out of the apartment fast.

We met in the park and she suggested sitting to talk rather than walking. She told me how she feels she is getting old, how she misses the kids when they were little, that she worries about them but they don't need her anymore. She told me how things have not turned out how she thought they would. She now recognizes that it has affected the kids in ways that she thought they would not be because of their age. We talked about some of the things that had gone wrong, but also recognized there were good times as well.

I listened carefully. I offered what I have gone through, what I felt along the way and how it has changed me. I offered that I had not done everything right, made mistakes and hopefully have grown from all this.

She told me how I was the only one that she could share the memories of our kids growing up and life together with. That we had taken a lot of trips together with the kids and how she would never do that alone.

I sense that she is missing the good parts of what we had together. I am not sure if this is going to lead anywhere. We left it open to meeting up again. I do get a stronger feeling about the kids interfering in us inter acting. I feel my wife may have had enough of it and is starting to rebel against it. I think she may have felt part of this was for the kids and she is having second thoughts about that now. I told her that she cannot let the kids choose her life for her, that she has to choose that for herself.

I won't read too much into things. I won't get impatient and push things along. I know there is a long way to go and could return to where they were.I will give her the time she needs to decide what path she wants to take. I was surprised by this. I am a little hope full that things have taken a turn in a more positive direction.

[mirage]

Life,

I find it interesting that a grown woman would be worried about your daughter being mad. Just sayin. Sometimes when were grown up......were not really.

You got this. You can handle however this goes.

I'm sure you will agree, your internal strength is much greater now.

Mirage

[Lifes Twists]

So I thought some more about the conversation I had with me ex on Monday. I also talk to my middle daughter about how she feels her mother is doing. She said that everything thinks mom my try again. So I contacted her oldest sister to let her know my concerns about where x is right now in her unhappiness. We had a good conversation and she told me most of the family has the same concerns. I got the hint they are all getting resolved to loosing her.

So I slept more on it and got up the next morning and sent her the following email:

"You asked me if I was happy on Monday. The answer to that is yes and no.

I am happy that I have had the opportunity to work on my relationship with our daughters. That I am here to see them grow up into the beautiful women that together we have raised. They are not perfect. Like you, I wish I could get them to help out a little bit. Every time I turn around the sink is full. it seems like a bottomless pit of dirty dishes that will never go away. I ask myself,"Where did we go wrong?" Then there is the little things that make me smile. Their laughter off in the distance, when they come at the last minute asking for help, when they do come to talk and seek advice. Its these times that I know that together we have raised some wonderful people. Thats when I am happy.

I am not happy when I think about what happened between us. How I should have done more. How I should have put you first on everything. How I should have taken care of you first. I realize how immature I was and how selfish too. I think about what I would do differently if I could do it over. I am not happy about having to start over. At times the future look bleak to me and I sink into a hole. Those are the times I am my saddest because I realize I blew it.

Last year was the darkest time of my life. When I think about how close we came to loosing you I find myself tearing up and have to find a quiet place to compose myself. I pray to GOD everyday. I ask him to watch over you and the girls, to help all of you to find the path he has chosen for you, to give you special attention and help you to find that happiness that is locked up somewhere inside of you. I thank him for keeping you with us and allowing you to continue to be the great mom you have been to our daughters. I am thankful that you have gotten through this first year and hope for many more to come.

Things are definitely not where either of us hoped they would be. I hope that we can find a way to at least be friends. To maybe take a walk once in a while. To maybe catch a movie here and there. To have someone to share all the wonderful memories with that we have created raising our girls. Who else can I rely on to help me get through dealing with the grand kids who will be coming along soon I am sure.

J***, you are not old. You are like a fine wine that keeps getting better with age. Celebrate that you have come this far and accomplished a lot along the way. Give yourself a lot of credit for how these girls are turning out. They would not have turned out as great as they are without you. Move forward with your head held high. You have earned it."

I was pleasantly surprised to get a text from her today that she appreciated the email.

Not sure how to go forward from here. Am I pressuring too much ?

[Lifes Twists]

Well last night I think my ex made another big step for her. Up till now most contact has been via text. Even that was was sporadic. Well last night I text her to see if she new if oldest had gotten headlight fixed as she was not responding to my text messages. I expected I would eventually get a response via text. About an hour later I get a call from Ex. This is the first time she has initiated an actual call since BD. She actually wanted to talk to me about the girls and her concerns. We talked for almost an hour.

I am pleased by this event. I am trying hard not to read to much into it or expect much. I am mostly surprised as I was expecting her to go quiet again. She had just gotten back from a week long trip to see her oldest sister. I had expected her sister to pressure her to have no contact with me. This has been the pattern of advice she has gotten from her family in the past. So, for her to do the exact opposite took me by surprise.

I can truly say this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I want to push to make things happen. I want things to change over night. I am itchy and restless. I know though if I push she will run. Restraining my self is extremely hard.

[Lifes Twists]

Last evening my ex did something that makes me think she is coming out of the fog. About 8:30 i received a text from her. In the past it would have been negative or accusing me of something. She did not initiate contact other wise. I was the one to contact in regards to the kids. Last nights text was quite a lot different. It was longer than usual and she was sharing with me the great day that she had with our youngest. She has not shared anything like this with me in a long time. Most text are a couple words, mostly in anger.

I am starting to feel like she is coming out of her fog a bit. It is very hard to not get too much hope up. I do think her telling me she is through menopause finally has a lot to do with this. Combining it with severe depression must be h*11 for the individual. I know she still feels she is getting old and is no longer attractive has had a great deal to do with things.

My plan is to still keep being the rock for my children and be there for ex if she has problems. I won't jump, but I also won't let her suffer. I won't push things and keep reminding myself to take things slow and see where things lead.

[123Gwen]

LT - your posts are so beautiful. I am in awe of the balance and grace you have found in a tough situation. I am hoping things keep moving in such a positive way.

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks Gwen. They seem to be. Late this afternoon we took a walk. It has been a long time since we took a walk. We talked about the girls and their issues. These events are taking place when ever there is no chance of being found out. I get the feeling she does not want anyone knowing for now. kinda like sneaking around. I think she is worried what other people will say or maybe interfere in some way.

[Mighty]

Wow, LT, that's great. It's always interesting to see a form of movement. Seems like she is being cautious and feeling things out. That's good.

And Gwen had a good call with her post. You have done very well. Keep it up. Having that solid foundation is so important when they start poking out...

[LouR]

LT - it's such a good feeling when they are being normal for a change isn't it, you seem to have your feelings and thoughts about this change under control - well done you.

I can truly say this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I want to push to make things happen. I want things to change over night. I am itchy and restless. I know though if I push she will run. Restraining my self is extremely hard.

I am right there with you