Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zephyr]

Yes I am sure you still have feelings for that man you have spent a huge chunk of your adult life with...one you shared so much with, one you opened your soul with...that man is the same as the the one who will not sign those papers.

It is crazy and you are learning to not allow him to hurt you anymore. Cadet and others have stated that divorce is a piece of paper...but it IS more than that. It is the ultimate boundary that tells your husband that you will not allow yourself to be enveloped in the crazy or the lies or whatever the hell else is going on in his head.

You can start to see yourself ad the loving beautiful woman you were meant to be and god willing meet some wonderful people to have fun with.

I am glad you've stuck around, not because of your husband...but for your growth!

[Zelda09]

Thank you, Zephyr, blessings to you! I am glad for your support. My heathen prayers for your best possible outcome in your life.

[Zelda09]

I had a realization today about the WAS spouse. And their anger. I started thinking about previous break up, where I had fallen out of love, gotten frustrated, and ended things.

I was also hurting, and angry. Certainly I had loved these people. I was angry at them for behaviors decisions, actions, that either upset me, or did not meet my needs. Why didn't they care about me.

It is the same with my STBX. He felt his emotional needs were not being met. He felt I could not listen to him the way he wanted to be listened to. But I was not a good caretaker for him.

None of that is invalid, just because he is driving and caring for himself just fine now. It is not invalid because he was abusive. It is simply what he came to believe about me, and there were Times I am sure that I gave him good reason.

Still, I do not think I could ever forgive him for the way he treated me and how he became in the end. I do not want to see him ever again.

[gan]

That's my girl, Z! You used to comment on how at peace I seemed...and I think this is why. I too came to the realisation that my H was coming from a place of unmet needs where he know longer felt he wanted to be faced with that. I very much doubt he wanted to see things go this way either. That's where I find my compassion from.

The abuse side of things makes your sitch quite different to mine; I can't imagine how difficult that would be to recover from. On the other hand I wonder if you can move to a place of forgiveness, while not feeling like you need to be subjected to it again? Most important I think is that you don't end up projecting the view that all men are pigs. You said something to that effect on my thread (in relation to "plane-gate") and I think that is something you might want to try to keep in check moving forward.

Hugs, Z.

[Zelda09]

Let's just say I should work for the CIA. Found evidence this morning he used Tinder while we were separated, he met someone while he was up there. Did anything materialize? That doesn't matter now.

Lots more.

Was a bag of mixed up feelings but yeah, eerie timing with my own realization above. And proof of it. He just wasn't that into it anymore. Wanted to talk to me about other people, and was afraid to go after what he wanted. And did kinda try when he came back by his definition.

But I know what I know.
1. We used to love each other very much. He really does have some good things about him. I have some not great things about me.
2. Abusive manipulating immature behaviors were always present from him. Our R was always full of fights. I enabled and contributed. I tried to fix. I was insecure. That was one of his biggest gripes I discovered. That I couldnt 'handle' truth and still be ok about us.
3. He emotionally divorced me 6 mo ago. And then tried to build that bridge back half heartedly. He wrote about me as a fixture, an impersonal pronoun. I think of the time everyone here has spent on these boards. I crossed his mind only when I came home from work.
3.5. The threats of leaving me and wanting to date others was truth rearing its head. For both of us. Just bc he used the truth in those fights doesn't make it any less emotionally abusive or controlling.
4. He used me until he could make his escape. It's ok. Lots of WAS do this. It's not special.
5. I did not meet his emotional needs regardless of what I think about those needs. He wanted more there and thought staying with me and getting EA somewhere else was higher road if he got what he needed.
6. He got real curious about sex with other women. He had no complaints about ours though.
7. It is over in his heart. Aside from anger, he is done. My heart hurts and wants a time machine but I can't live in the past.
8. I can't change him or his behavior and it is unhealthy to beat myself up bc this man fell out of love with me. I never thought I would've seen the day. He used to make me feel so incredibly loved.
9. If it hadn't been that fight it would have been another. He resented me terribly and it was escalating. I can't beat myself up for drawing a line where I should have a long time ago.
10. I have to get on with my life and stop thinking about it all now.

[Zephyr]

10. I have to get on with my life and stop thinking about it all now.

YES! easier said than done.

If you've got the knack at investigation, I should want to gain your services for a spell

[Vanilla]

ambivalence, I do understand the attraction to H. I get some of it. It is the 'cool' part of the cycle. H isn't angry but controlling, it's measured for his audience. Go back and review your list of abuses to know.

I am slightly cynical. H had his cash settlement, his freedom and sees ihis resources whittling away.

Where does he go then for resources?

If he Ds with you when he has cash, what then?

Can H performi in life!

Sweetheart, do you have good L on the fins?

V

[Zelda09]

V, Zephyr-

I don't think it is seriously whittling away. He may have played a bit, but he was not like your H, V, who would ask you for resources. He never did. He just didn't step up so I had to.

Some legal counsel, yes. Advice is uniform. There is nothing here to fight for, go the way of peace if possible.

I think he is only holding out bc of the great indecision and distraction fog that has plagued most of his life. He knows it is unpleasant to think about and something has changed and I am pushing and so he has become an immovable object. What I read from him directly is that he could care less about me and wants to walk away. This was not put on for an audience. The little head may know that but for whatever reasons - control, plaything, conflict enjoyment, he's not willing to make it final.

So be it. I am NC and I assume one day he will get bored.

[Zelda09]

I caught myself singing and dancing in my kitchen today. Smiled when I thought of STBX complaining I was just an unhappy person. I felt a lovely light within me today. I know it is fleeting and tomorrow it may not be there, but it gives me hope that I am healing.

You silly man. A woman contending with manipulation, irrationality, gaslighting, twisting...and a man who projects all his misery and insecurity - of course I was not the joyous girl you first fell in love with. But it is not who I am at my core. Anymore that your charm and beauty is who you were. I cringe thinking of the time you were in the middle of stonewalling me for a week straight and became my loving H in public at a party, only to return to ignoring me when we got home.

I have learned I can be a better listener, develop my empathy muscles (instead of problem solving). I am sure I let him down in those ways, truly. But I really like me. I always have. I will find love again when I am ready and I promise not to look at a man for his potential and the emotional 'depth' he possesses, but what he already is and how mature his emotions are in practical matters and not idealistic ramblings.

"Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own." -Nora Ephron

[Bob723]

I caught myself singing and dancing in my kitchen today. Smiled when I thought of STBX complaining I was just an unhappy person. I felt a lovely light within me today. I know it is fleeting and tomorrow it may not be there, but it gives me hope that I am healing.

Hello Zelda,

Wonderful, you are healing! Please continue to take care of yourself and try to keep a PMA.

*Hugs*

Bob