Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zelda09]

Careless in our summer clothes
Splashing around in the muck and the mire
Careless in our summer clothes
Splashing around in the muck and the mire

Fell asleep with stains
Cake deep in the knees
What a pain

Now hang me up to dry
You wrung me out
Too, too, too many times
Now hang me up to dry
I'm pearly like the white
Wh-whites of your eyes

All mixed up in the wash
Hot water bleeding our colors
All mixed up in the wash
Hot water bleeding our colors

Now hang me up to dry
You wrung me out
Too, too, too many times
Now hang me up to dry
I'm pearly like the white
Wh-whites of your eyes

Previous threads that I'm too lazy to link to:

Separated, now what? WAH shut himself away for two weeks, acted like he wanted to work on our M after BD at counselor. Maybe.

Separation turning bad H went away, got colder and angrier with our limited contact. Friend of his contacted me, and asked me to fly up, and we started building a bridge home.

Turn around? H came home, initially all over the place and hostile. Puts ring on in a week, everything starts looking really great.

Navigating old ruts Hard DR work. I worked on my changes, H alternately seemed to try very hard and alternately started playing a lot of head games, eroding my sense of self. Worse than the year prior to BD.

I want it all, all right now. Feeling increasingly frustrated, I started this one - as with the last one - with the changes I needed to make it letting my H just do him. Well, one night I called him on his accountability for something he'd promised, and he became physically violent. No remorse. In fact, partied a bunch using my cc. Finally confronted, and he basically told me he didn't care anymore. A day after telling me how lucky he was to have me in his life.

Reflecting & Grieving Me questioning everything I thought I knew about him. Everyone's S here does some super crazy nasty stuff, but they're generally consistent about it. I am reeling.

Almost there - wanting it to be over, for him to initiate D papers. He did. I realized how sneaky hope was and despite everything I was coming to understand about our abusive cycle, I still wanted him to fulfill a fairy tale ending where he stepped up for once and I didn't go to him trying to mend our R.

[RealMe]

How long since you've had contact?

[Zelda09]

IDK what to say, really. The only thing left for us is increasing amounts of NC. I'd thought of going to the hearing to protest, but I just want to be done.

I'd thought of calling him and asking him why he didn't sign the D papers while he was there, only the paperwork to get it rolling with the paralegal he hired. Told her I had to sign the D docs first. Why on earth? It's an answer I don't need.

Realized it didn't matter what game this was. It is a game and I am worth more than games and if H wanted to change and be in this M, I needed more that games to play with him to get there. Especially with a guy who may have once loved me but definitely used and abused me because I was so willing to make excuses, concessions and play games to keep all those high highs going.

"Z, the settlement check only enabled me to not be here when I didn't want to be anymore." - said King Charming when I asked him was this sabotage, how much that check he picked up three days after that physical fight had to do with this. "Z, you don't have to sign these papers if you don't want to I'm not trying to force you...but yes, I intend to sleep with others and go enjoy my life."

I'm still in shock, a month later. I really believed everything he'd said about being 'all in' and wanting to work so hard for our M when he came home, so this was devastating for me, that it all turned so ugly so quickly. He didn't need to put his wedding ring back on - an hour after I told him I wanted kids. He didn't need to pretend if he just wanted a roof over his head until he settled his case. I am deeply angry and can't imagine forgiveness right now. I do hope to get there when I'm ready.

But I'm trying tapping techniques to process and build some new train tracks in my head in the meantime.

[Zelda09]

Real Me - 6 days ago. He jerked me around a bunch about how I'd need to pay fees (that wasn't what we agreed to.) Via text he hit at me from every angle -

"then you will be served"
"I'm tired of trying to explain your fears to you, Z"
"Stop being afraid, I'm not trying to hurt you"
"You never would let me lead"
"See? it still feels like we're married"

And I sorted it out with his paralegal, he agreed to pay after all. Wrote him a quick email notifying him I'd go sign on Mon and he'd have his divorce in 30 days. He wrote back saying "My divorce? you're the one who doesn't feel safe with me and it's my divorce?" I unloaded a big letter, told him he had room to turn this around, but it was absolutely his divorce until he wanted to take any responsibility for what happened and act like a H.

No response and I have enjoyed the silence.

[Zephyr]

So you spoke of goals the other day. Have you made any headway with figuring out what you would like to try for fun?

I find myself at 40 and I don't have any aspirations, no dreams and a juvenile sense of what happiness is supposed to be. I have never placed myself that much in a spotlight to focus on before, i always had someone else to focus my attention and devotion to.

So Zelda, let's start brain storming, what will be something you would like to try? Do you like to cook, bake, run, bike, fish, sing, act, play a new instrument...ever want to write, paint, draw or build. This is not easy to come up with something to try. I think a goal of trying Something new this week would be a good idea...doesn't matter how big or small. Whatd'ya say?

I have just decided im going to try to cook a nice meal for Saturday night. It is actually my 17th anniversary and I just realized in had not planned anything...yikes (would have gotten something nice in the past, but I donrnknow if it would come off as trying to buy affection)

[RealMe]

Z I can 'hear' the pain in your voice.

What about these lyrics from the same group if I'm not mistaken:

"Let's go on treasure hunts, to sails of the seven seas, you're ripping my map apart, I'm not even hard to please"

Maybe it's time to go dark to any and all comm w him for a bit, even if he's trying to initiate it. You're allowing him to rip your map apart.

You also referenced the Stockdale paradox in another thread. Don't lose sight of the overall goal: your survival.

[Zelda09]

Zephyr,

Yes, aerial yoga this week. And a funeral and chNce to be with family. Good luck on your meal! I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

Real:

Indeed, I don't think I will need to speak to him again. Ever.

[gan]

Er...aerial yoga? Do tell...

[Zelda09]

I'll let you know tonight after I find out.

I thought I was done hurting and here I sit again crying, wondering how he could have done this if he loved me. It's like a bottomless pit of grief. I feel so incredibly used and thrown away like I was worth nothing to him. He was everything to me.

3 years I stood by him while he was growing bones back together. The way he pushed me away last year. Only to come back (appease friends and family who told him to work for his M?) the pretty things he said, only to erupt like he did. Did the DR work I did make a difference at all or had he planned to 'escape' (his word for that trip, not mine) so he could come home and appease me until he could leave for good?

Before he came back he voiced concern over living together when he came back into town, "IDK Z, if I can't handle something and I blow up, that's it for our M." He saw himself doing this. He meant to scare me that night. They say intimidation is never about lack of control. No remorse. Day he picked that check up he was happy to D. Started driving and functioning again the day after that. Limp disappeared, he left his cane at home before he moved out. Wasn't using it when we met at breakfast. 2 weeks later, just happy to be out living his life he said.

Will he ever regret or think of anything?
Does Cymbalta/Oxy/ambien explain this?

You guys have said I'm demonizing him but everything I believed in about his kindness and who he was, his depth, and how he adored me and loved people - like it was dry erased and he let me see what was under it, without the slightest feeling or emotion in any direction.

My friend says the base of recovery is understanding that love is a drug, there was nothing special in falling for a tall 'mysterious' garden variety ahole. No more romanticizing him or the past. Forget all the seemingly kind and wonderful parts of him. He carried a strange darkness and it reared its ugly head, she said it's not about you, Z.

But I think that is what I struggle with today. His actions were his, his choices had nothing to do with me...I wasn't consequential in any way to him in the end.

I keep tapping, yes, yes, I love and accept myself...I think it is actually working thst Eft stuff, but this still blows my mind, every bit of it.

[Zelda09]

Well, it is official. The organization I am losing one of my jobs very soon. I knew this was coming, and it was three days before the fight that ended all fights that I told my husband I might need him to be there for me.

I want to send him irrational hate mail right now.