I'm doing good thanks, apart from the leg (nerve injury rather than muscular and physio reckons 4 to 6 weeks - that will teach me)
So things to update on, well work is still good and there are a few more things developing on my elaborate plan. Its a long term plan but every step is needed, even the ones that fail.
I've done a few more bits round the house and did some decorating in D3s (who will very soon be D4) bedroom. She will be so excited when she sees it.
my XW has texted me or emailed me a couple of times, always logistical or child related and some of it was because I had to ask her to swap some childcare days, but some of it has been slightly less cold and she has volunteered some information about what shes up to. It seems like our interaction is normalising a little bit in our seperate lives which has to be better for the kids.
D3 is being a little more vocal about wanting mummy and daddy to live together
On the GAL front well ive been out a few times with old friends and the local meetup group i've joined so thats been good fun. I might have overdone it a little bit and so need to make sure i get adequate sleep. Im a big fan of sleep generally.
And on the dating front i'd love to say that its all amazing but theres not really much to report except for fact that both my XW and her PF came up as suggested matches for me, which mildly amused me not least because I know that PF is most definitely not my type. I will also say that a surprising proportion of the women in my area seem remarkably jaded.
So thats my update.
V, i just want to tackle your question about the conversation with my dad, who has been very been supportive in my situation.
A lot of my parenting has been about deliberately not doing what my parents did because I dont think i had particularly good childhood. It wasnt bad, and we were taken care of but we certainly made to 'know our place' and this was the main thrust of my dads criticism the other day - that i'm too indulgent of D3 and that she doesnt 'know her place'.
For the most part i ignored him, I certainly learnt a long time ago that there is no point arguing, and i felt ok with that - more so than in previous because i'm more accepting of who my dad is and more able to see the positives in him.
I did find that for the next couple of days though I was a bit stricter with so obviously it did have some affect on me. This was the main topic of discussion at my most recent IC appointment.
Figuring out my relationship with my dad has been something that has been of tremendous value to me and has been real proof to me that i can change the dynamic of a relationship without talking to the other person about it or them having even the slightest willingness to change.
Anyway thats me for now. Take care all
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
PF - oh no!! Jim, I'm sure there are some great women in your locale. But they may just not be on that site right now. Lovely to hear about your decorating progress. It is so great when kids are so excited about their rooms. SS was really pleased to be able to choose a colour for his room when he was about nine. He chose a vibrant turquoise...which I was privately a bit doubtful about but of course never said....but looked lovely!
As for your Dad. We never quite lose that parental dynamic do we? My Dad just doesn't listen sometimes....drives me nuts. Have you ever had a look at David Servan-Screiver's STABEN technique? I have found his stuff helpful. The principle is to be assertive with 'difficult' convos, without alienating someone. The phrase that popped into my head with your Dad was - Thanks for your perspective Dad - I appreciate it. I'll give that some thought...
Sounds like you are doing well anyway - and glad that the 'normalising' with your W has continued. I agree - who knows where your sitch might go - but you know already that you will be co-parents and it is good for that in any case.
Take care Jim ((Jim))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I totally understand the Dad thing, mine was away 9 months out of 12 in my childhood so really left me wanting in the understanding fatherhood thing. I think that led to me making some really fundamental goofups at times. Better now I've found my own way as well as taming the "black dog".
I certainly used to feel like s had to follow the way my childhood had been, very very strict grandparents tempered by my mother who while she loved me as much as it was possible to do was overindulgent and led to me having some weight and health issues as a boy - she was also often in hospital throughout my childhood leaving me with said grandparents and effictively taking care of them from 7.
Over the past 9 months I realised the obvious that s isnt young me and he and I have arived at a dynamic by talking, discussing and trying (as much as possible) to agree on things. We're presently trying to work through issues he has with transitioning when doing something (say gaming) and its time to go out and do something he'll delay and not move or tantrum. Previously I'd have gone off the deep end, warned of consequences or loss of privileges and generally been heavy handed (not physically - emotionally) now I do the opposite and go calm and talk it through.
Its difficult to break patterns and you and only you know your kids the best, I just at some point realised I'd never thought to actually talk to s and just expected him to understand what we needed to do.
As to knowing our place, I try to think and instill that basic politeness is a given but respect is earned (a huge issue between s and fil/mil right now - s doesnt want to see them and definitely doesnt respect fil which is none of my doing but Im trying to work with him to be polite and I have no interest in him being cut off from grandparents even if they dont like me). Its difficult for generation gaps to be bridged but ultimately your Dad should respect you and that you are their dad and will always do whats best for them.
Go Jim
As to the sitch Im glad to see co-parenting is working well, as we all say (T-shirts coming soon) "I Agree With Toots" who knows what will happen in the future. W told me she would have thought it laughable to talk with me let alone anything else last year, that my voice was like nails on a blackboard to her. Certainly not saying we're a done deal or even approaching piecing yet but certainly things do change.
Cheers matey.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
We do all need those 'I agree with Toots' t-shirts. Walking round town people will have no clue what its referring to though
I'm OK with the stuff on my dad. I get a much better sense of who he is and how I want to relate to him. Its not great to have my parenting criticised but at the same time im happy with my relationship with my kids.
Generally this has all been part of my learning process, and as has been said a few times to me - we need these challenges to improve ourselves.
On a GAL front, I had dinner with a friend tonight who happens to be very smart, very beautiful and very funny. She's also happily married so there was nothing more to it but it was nice to just be able to enjoy that kind of evening and be reminded that I have something to offer.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Think that it is always better to have someone that care enough to even criticize then have no one. My dad was there, loved me on the distance, I know he did and a lot. He cared on his own way, but no criticism and no word at all. The absence is a hole in my heart and my life.
During sessions with my IC, he mention that I had some expectations that my H would do the same as my father. What in some ways undermined my R with him at times, always think that I was not important enough for him.
You are in no doubt doing what is best for you, your dad and your kids. You are maturing, growing up a lot. It's unfortunately that we are not born with all the life knowledge, but it is admirable how life can teach us to be better.
Regarding the dating stuff, I agree with all the above, you have a lot to offer and one of these days a lucky lady will put her eyes on you. I remember you sad blond and blue eyes. I always tough it is a gorgeous image.
What about traveling? Are there any work plans to go somewhere? Who knows, maybe your lady is somewhere in the world.
Happy things have been better with WW. She may start seeing the changes on you. Maybe she is even curious. And, if you saw her on the dating site, then she can also see you. I wonder what she thinks about that.
And count me in for the T-shirt, Toots is smart and I don't want to pass the "I agree w/Toots shirt". Love the way you said you have decorated your D room. It's so attractive to hear a man talking about decorating. It's amazing how a guy becomes more human when caring that way. She will be trilled and will know she is the luckiest D in the world for having you as her dad.
Just checking in on ya. Yeah, being on the dating sites, I see that there's a lot of self entitlement. Anyway, as someone at work told me, you don't need to find someone on the site, you've got everything going for you. Good dad, job, place to live, responsible, etc.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Awesome that you are decorating your D's room and doing so well. You have really grown in your time on the page and I agree with V that you certainly have a lot to offer someone.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So i've updated my signature slightly just because my kids are now older and there is the continuing OM1 mystery
D4 liked her bedroom which was good but we had a few behavioural issues at the same time - not listening, very demanding and a bit of tantrum at points. such fun
she does keep saying that she misses mummy and that she wants to go back to mummy's which is upseting (and really got to me last night) though sometimes i get the sense she does it just because as a response to times when she hasnt got her way or i've had to tell her off for something.
I have the kids for the long bank holiday weekend so it will settle down a little bit.
I've had a few interactions with my XW just to sort some practical arrangements and i was trying to be considerate towards her with regard to D4's birthday. generally though i would say its still quite cold and businesslike with her ignoring striaghtforward questions for 24hrs plus. Its frustrating but it is what it is and i just need to accept that.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
