Focusing on what works

[Closer2]

HeavyD - The D should be finalized this week. Almost 4 months since she filed. I haven't been stalling. My L is concerned about hitting the 10 year anv. and W requesting alimony. The legal stuff has been the easy stuff.

I can pay the mortgage myself. Once I start paying child support it will be more difficult. W is moving about 45 min away. I plan to move to be closer to the kids. It will also put me closer to work.

Badger1 - I know how you feel. It's hard to realize when they temp checking and nothing more. My W is quick to throw crumbs and just as quick to pick them up. That's difficult to deal with. Some of the crumbs really felt awesome. Crumbs don't work, can't focus on them.

[Badger1]

Thanks Rob123. Our stories and timelines are very similar. My wife actually did this same thing 6 years ago too, and it wasn't until we were separated for several months and actually filed that she asked to come back. In many ways it was way easier to detach when we weren't under the same roof.

I too feel/felt like I have to be home all the time because of our kids and my wife's busy schedule. So, I was/am probably totally co-dependent as well.

How do you work out the logistics of going out and/or taking the kids out?

[rob123]

Thanks Rob123. Our stories and timelines are very similar. My wife actually did this same thing 6 years ago too, and it wasn't until we were separated for several months and actually filed that she asked to come back. In many ways it was way easier to detach when we weren't under the same roof.

I too feel/felt like I have to be home all the time because of our kids and my wife's busy schedule. So, I was/am probably totally co-dependent as well.

How do you work out the logistics of going out and/or taking the kids out?

Me and my W still are in the same house. I mean the BD was only 6 weeks ago. The past 2 weeks have actually been really good.

You know, I used to not even ask my W to watch the kids because I figured she would say no or something. I was mind-reading. Unfortunately, that led to the resentment that built up.

Now, I simply either just tell her I am meeting some friends or I just load the kids up and go to the park/zoo/whatever. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this to intentionally hurt my W. I just have realized that I need to do things to make myself happy. It actually has relieved many of those built up feelings of resentment. You go and play a round of golf or go play some cards with some buddies.

It has also has seemed to create a bit of mystique with my W. She is wondering where I am going. Who I am meeting. What is going on. You know, the things that you used to do without even thinking about it. Rather than sit around thinking the only way to be happy is to be with your W, I have realized that doing things with others brings me happiness as well.

And, against everything I would have told you 5 weeks ago, our R seems to be progressing in the right direction. Again, I'm still new around here. I'm still learning. I just know that sitting around trying to figure out what is going through my W's head or why she is doing certain things is a sure way to drive myself mad.

[TenBook]

Anytime you backslide. Come on over to the forum. I won't point out your sliding as you are already aware and know what to do.

[Badger1]

Rob123, TenBook, anyone else. If you don't mind, please stop over to my thread and chime in. Any support is nice at this point.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...440#Post2561440

[Closer2]

Post here before engaging with W. Did some GAL with a buddy tonight, so she is not happy. Interestingly, I usually never get coffee on my own w/o calling her to see if she would like something. I didn't tonight. I didn't say anything, she may not have even noticed.

Anyway, she keeps telling me that it's not right for me to have separated the bank account. That I should be paying child support if we're not going to have joint accounts. My L told me to only pay child support after the decree is final. L also told me she needs a court order to have me change the accounts back to joint.

I keep telling her to give me receipts and cover expenses she has. I wont pay for tanning, salons, etc.

She says it's "not right" yeah, well having sex with anyone but your husband isn't right either.

Any advice is appreciated.

[TenBook]

Hey Closer.

You are making her face the reality of her situation which she believes you will always be there in some fashion.

You know, I got to a point where I was afraid, scared to stop doing the things I normally do. But guess what, I kept practicing and now it is much easier.

[Closer2]

Thanks TenBook. So many new folks on here lately. I feel I'm lost.

I'm truly lost here at home. W keeps telling me one thing and I believe she is doing another. She could be telling me the truth about where she's going, what she's doing, and I don't believe her. I don't ask, she offers the information. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger.

She's going out tonight with friends. She instantly tells me that OM is not in town (you said that before). Then a friend asks her to watch their dog, so she says she is going to the stay night at her mothers because it's close to the dog. She tells me to come by the house and check to see she's alone. Her defensiveness upset me. We got ended up getting into an argument and I left the house.

Wow, I just deleted almost half of this post. I think I just realized something that I have been in denial about for a long time. Maybe other's have noticed. I'm sure W has noticed. I'm trying to control her. When she told me she would do whatever I needed to earn my trust, I saw that as an opportunity control.

I really thought I had gotten past the need to be in control. Why can't I? How do I?

I think the crumbs and scraps she offers me kept pulling me back to her. She would always want to talk at night and be close and I liked it. I can't do that anymore, no matter how good it feels at the time.

[TenBook]

Hey Closer. Yes, alot of new folks can be a bit discouraging but it's good that they found their way here. We are not alone in this.

And that takes a slight edge off things when we remind ourselves that we aren't isolated.

Let go closer. You are so attached she has had to resort to making you feel better by telling you things like "come by the house and check". Let go because she sees you as someone that needs to be looked after.

Let go. Let go of the anxiety.

[Closer2]

TenBook, I do need to let go. I'm a typical NG and have a hard time letting go. I'm sick of being a NG.

If had let go, we wouldn't have had the fight today. I simply wouldn't have cared what she was doing.

This day started off great and now it's been one of the worst since D-day 4 months ago. I don't feel as bad as when I found about the EA. I feel worse than when I found out the EA was a PA, maybe that was because I always suspected the EA was a PA. Anyway, I feel worse today because today was completely on me. My inability to let go caused this.