Focusing on what works

[Closer2]

Old thread

Has the history. I'll be honest, DBing is hard for it me. Anyone that reads these forums understands that DBing is a bit unnatural for the LBS. When you feel your wife and family slipping away, the natural action is to pursue your W, to win her back and keep your family together. Unfortunately, that only pushes her away.

In my situation, my W was receptive early on to me becoming closer and reconnecting with her. After D-day, I made an effort to spend more time with her and to focus on reattaching and working on myself (GAL, coaching, books, etc). During our M both of us had become detached and my DB coach suggest working to reconnect while working on myself. This worked for a short period of time, but my focus drifted from GAL and detaching and towards M and W. I ended up pushing her away even further because I didn't keep the proper balance.

The past few weeks have been the most difficult since D-day. I have discovered that the A is EA and PA (prior she told me it was only EA) my W has seriously discussed M with OM.

My focus going forward is making the future transition as smooth as possible for my children, to lovingly detach from my W, and GAL.

To help the kids, I will leave work on-time and stop working late. This will allow me to spend more time with them when I get home. To play, go on walks, or just hang out.

I will lovingly detach from my W. I can not let her actions effect me emotionally. If she is texting, chatting, etc. I will not ask her questions or acknowledge her activity. I will leave the room in a non-confrontational manner if I need to. I will not text or call unless it is absolutely necessary. I will only respond to texts or call if it is absolutely necessary. I will have a PMA and not be cold. I will shut up and listen. Validating when appropriate during conversation she initiates.

I will GAL. I will schedule one day a week to reconnect with guy friends that I have lost contact with since M. I will attend a meet up event next week. When it is not my weekend with the kids, I will get out and discover new places to take the kids, schedule time with friends, etc. Planning is important, I don't want to find myself scrambling to find something to do then end up doing nothing.

So many situations have such similarities. Some can deal with situations better by not backsliding, being better at detaching, GAL, etc. I have made mistakes and backslid. Not because I don't believe in DBing, or care about my M. It's because the plans I had for my future and my family have been drastically changed. Only by focusing on what works and what is most important can I start to rebuild a new and better vision of a future.

I appreciate all the great help from those members that posted in my old thread and all the support I get from reading through other threads. The information and advice given from this amazing community is amazing, to say the least.

[TenBook]

Hi Closer.

This is a heartbreaking post.

Anything we can do for you?

[HeavyD]

Closer

This is a situation still very early on it its development.

I am sure you have read Sandi's posts about WW and their thnking and actions. That's what you have on your hands.

You sound very passive in your posts - sorry to be blunt. My suggestion is to toughen up - A LOT.

Have you stated your boundry to your wife "I will not live in an open marriage"? Has she moved out? If not, she needs to ASAP. If she has not, I would set her stuff outside of the marital bedroom. I would not let her in and out to drop clothes off etc... Once she is out, she is OUT.

You have an attorney? Tell him/her to slow this down if you want to. They can easily delay while you get your emotions and a plan under control. Is your house actively listed on the market? If not, don't do it - let that one slide. You are rushing things on her time table.

#1. Stop all and any pursuit - no calls, no texts, no messages.
#2. Make her leave - do you own or rent - whose name is on deed?
#3. Schedule kids activities on spread sheet - don't talk to her about it, just follow the spread sheet. Only talk about emergencies about kids.

#4. Toughen up - make her respect you. Any engagement with her is distance, cordial but very very distant.

#5. Cut her off financially. Cut her off of the bank account and all credit cards. Cut off her cell phone. Who cares if she does't have a job, her problem not yours. She can open up her own accounts. She should pull up her big girl panties. If she doesn't have a job she can move in her parents or AP because she won't have money for an apartment? Again, not your problem.

You have time to turn this around. Toughen up!! make her respect you.

[Closer2]

Hey TenBook. Thanks for the support. I really didn't mean this to be a heartbreaking post. I wrote it because I needed to have a reminder to myself (and my other post is locked). I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.

It's been difficult lately because after her "breakdown" last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.

It would be huge help if you could stay at my house for a few weeks. Anytime you see me look like I'm about to backslide, just hit me in the head with a 2x4.... that would be huge help. /joking

[HeavyD]

Closer

She is creating drama. Stop the drama by not reacting to it. Let her cry and have breakdowns all she wants. She is manipulating you. Just look at her and say I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated and walk away.

She thinks she feels frustrated now - just wait until she is a divored single Mom. Make her feel your loss.

[HeavyD]

Closer

This is a situation still very early on it its development.

I am sure you have read Sandi's posts about WW and their thnking and actions. That's what you have on your hands.

have you stated your boundry to your wife "I will not live in an open marriage"?

[Closer2]

Closer

This is a situation still very early on it its development.

I am sure you have read Sandi's posts about WW and their thnking and actions. That's what you have on your hands.

You sound very passive in your posts - sorry to be blunt. My suggestion is to toughen up - A LOT.

Have you stated your boundry to your wife "I will not live in an open marriage"? Has she moved out? If not, she needs to ASAP. If she has not, I would set her stuff outside of the marital bedroom. I would not let her in and out to drop clothes off etc... Once she is out, she is OUT.

You have an attorney? Tell him/her to slow this down if you want to. They can easily delay while you get your emotions and a plan under control.

#1. Stop all and any pursuit - no calls, no texts, no messages.
#2. Make her leave - do you own or rent - whose name is on deed?
#3. Schedule kids activities on spread sheet - don't talk to her about it, just follow the spread sheet. Only talk about emergencies about kids.

#4. Toughen up - make her respect you. Any engagement with her is distance, cordial but very very distant.

#5. Cut her off financially. Cut her off of the bank account and all credit cards. Cut off her cell phone. Who cares if she does't have a job, her problem not yours. She can open up her own accounts. She should pull up her big girl panties. If she doesn't have a job she can move in her parents or AP because she won't have money for an apartment? Again, not your problem.

You have time to turn this around. Toughen up!! make her respect you.

Hey HeavyD,

Thanks for reading. I've been following your thread. You're tough and doing a great job. I totally respect your focus and resolve.

My situation isn't really fresh. D-Day was in December and the divorce should be final this week. The only thing that is fresh is my discovery of the PA. She has been lying since D-day. D-day she told me there was no one else. On NYE I discovered there was someone else. She lied and told me it was a EA only. About a 2 weeks ago I discovered it has been a PA/EA since Oct.

I stated boundaries early on. She doesn't care about crossing boundaries. She tells me she does, but I can tell they're a joke to her.

Kicking her out of the house hurts the kids. It was very hard on them when I did a few weeks ago.

1. Done
2. Own. Working on getting the house ready to sell. Both names on the deed.
3. Will do.
4. Toughen up - I was detached for years, that's part of the reason for the D. I have lost much of my hard edge and it is making this D more difficult to deal with. I agree I need to be tough in that I don't let her actions have an effect on me. I don't see the point in be tough to punish her.
5. I cut her off financially. I pay her back for expenses relating to the kids. She tries to sneak stuff past me like gas, tolls, etc. Her mom pays her phone and has since Dec. Her mom gives her money almost weekly. Soon I will be giving her child support. She contributes zero to the family finances, bills, mortgage. She will be living rent free with her mother after the house is sold. OM is a few hours away. Decree has a morality clause and she can't move the kids that far.

[HeavyD]

Can you afford to pay the mortgage yourself?

Your D was very very quick. Her decision or yours?

[Badger1]

I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.

It's been difficult lately.... last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.

I know what you mean regarding the backsliding. My wife told me twice last week that she loved me (we are still in the same house and bed). This gave me renewed hope, unfortunately lifted my expectations and probably caused me to backslide, all because she was giving me a few crumbs. Now, no real words of affection in several days, and I feel nearly as crushed at DDay.

[rob123]

I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.

It's been difficult lately.... last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.

I know what you mean regarding the backsliding. My wife told me twice last week that she loved me (we are still in the same house and bed). This gave me renewed hope, unfortunately lifted my expectations and probably caused me to backslide, all because she was giving me a few crumbs. Now, no real words of affection in several days, and I feel nearly as crushed at DDay.

It is very easy to attempt to use anything our spouse does or says during these turbulent times to justify actions that we make. Well, she told me she loves me so our R is saved. Or, she told me she hates me so our R is over. She looked at me and smiled at me, so our R is saved. She didn't say goodbye to me today, so our R is over.

I played this game for about 2 weeks until I realized that DBing is not simply about saving my M, but more importantly about making myself a better partner. Preparing myself, either after D or if M is saved, to be happy with myself. There was a time early on where my wife hugged me and gave me a kiss and I thought everything was OK. Next day, she was back to being cold and unengaged. I know exactly what you mean about being crushed. I just could not understand.

I then realized that I had to quit making my happiness hinge upon my W. I have, and continue to, question where the strong and independent person I was has went to. I believe that getting married and having kids can transform an independent person into the person who relies upon the M and the kids to make us happy. Don't get me wrong, I still love my kids and love my W, but it is healthy to have other things in our lives that bring us happiness.

My opinion is that happy couples are happy because they are able to make themselves happy and are supported by their partners to do just that. In life, moderation is a good thing. Including being with your W.

I believe, in my case, I got to the point where my W could not keep the kids (school, clinicals, etc.) so much that I incorrectly assumed that I could never leave the house to do things that I really wanted to do with friends. It is a very weird dynamic when that happens. I'm not sure WTF I was thinking at the time.

I'm still new in this process, but the past 4 weeks I have went out with friends, just taken the kids by myself to places without the W and did things that I enjoyed. Rather than sit at the house being ticked off I wasn't doing anything, I have just went out and started doing things. I haven't always had the best time because of the thoughts in my head, but I am slowly getting better on focusing on the here and now rather than focus on what my W is thinking or if she is happy.