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Originally Posted By: JellyB
Tulo,

So here it is, 2x4 coming

Look Please don't waste this opportunity, I would give everything I own to be where you are right now. Use this time when, he is one foot in and one foot out!

But also know something, that the more you step back right now, the more room he has to step back in, and if he doesn't, you know exactly where you stand. And you know where you are standing, right in your own life that is pretty bloody amazing!



Thank you so much for your reply JellyB!! And I do need that 2x4 and are well aware of it! smile

I think you are right, I have to start seeing this as a marathon and stop thinking that I'll more or less die if I don't speak to him today.. And you are right, I am the prize and shouldn't let myself being treated as anything but that. As should we all.. Guess the problem is that it's so hard sometimes!

I think I'm gonna read your post like a million times, because when it's hard I'm so emotionally charged and I just go with that emotion then and there and that is when I push him further away.

Question: Since I'm the one who last night brought up that I longed for being close to him sexually, and he agreed but not as enthusiastically as one would hope for, shouldn't I in some way take that back or something? Or will just backing off not texting, calling and so on be enough? Let's say he contacts me and wants to get together, and maybe starts up something sexual, do I then decline even though I said what I said? Do I explain that I don't want that until he knows where he stands with us, or just keep it playful and withdraw?

I new to this forum and don't know if I can see your story somewhere, but what ever you are going through I sincerely hope it works out for you. Since I am new, I don't feel I have any real advice to give people here yet, so I'm laying low just reading and hoping some of the good sense here will rub off on my sad and desperate heart.

You are right in the fact that I need to be a prize, be someone he has to step up to be with. If he's not, I'm better off.. I hope.. Haha, can you tell your message did spark a thought at least?

Thanks again so much! All advice will be read over and over again and taken to heart as best as I can JellyB! smile

(Written to you from Sweden that enjoys a lovely spring day Sweden!)


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
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Originally Posted By: Tulo
I new to this forum and don't know if I can see your story somewhere, but what ever you are going through I sincerely hope it works out for you. Since I am new, I don't feel I have any real advice to give people here yet


How to find a thread

Try clicking on the NAME
VIEW POSTS
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there



As far as support goes - sometimes just acknowledging that you read someones thread is a help, or if you know anything about what they are writing about.
Or just giving a virtual (((((HUG))))))



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Tulo, you dear little sweet candy!!

Look I am new too. My learning has come from the mistakes I made through the course of my relationship and through the first weeks and months after my relationship broke up. So if my experience can help you avoid time wasting and falling into traps you don't need to , I am happy to help you with some very novice advice!!

My other learning came from the reading people's sitches and listening to the advice from the vets and reading all the brilliant material including the books!!! Keeping reading and posting!

As for the sex, no true man or gentleman would think any less of you for communicating " I have given our being intimate some thought, and I don't feel comfortable sharing myself in that way with you at the moment, when things are more certain and committed between us, I feel that being intimate with you is something I would just adore, but it is not something I want to do right now".

My hope would be that he respects you setting a boundary. He will know that having sex with you while he can't commit is not ok. Others on the board here may disagree, so make sure to listen to the vets and more experienced newcomers!!!

If you get some angry spew, then , you can check one of two boxes, he is not a man or gentleman, and you can decide if you want to be with someone who does not respect how you control your body, and do you want to be with that person. Or the spew is about his sense of losing control over said situation, and is responding with some uncertainty , which potentially might be a good thing.

As for my situation, well let me just say that fairly typically, my relationship also hit the two year mark and suddenly my ex was all a bit shaken. From the reading I have done and in discussion with my therapist, it seems that this two year mark, is when the real relationship begins, the newness and romance (limerance) has worn off, and now the couple get to compromise and negotiate the big ticket items, like how they spend their time together, how they resolve conflict, how money is spent, what their hopes and dreams are for the future and how to make them happen. At this time two separate people, figure out how to become a couple a family. It is not surprising then that your man is presenting with some anxiety about his commitment of where to from here. He is trying to decide is he in or is he out.

I feel now that my ex was almost testing to me to see how I managed his fear of taking the next step. And I completely let his fear, escalate my own. I failed big time. Don't let this happen to you. I should have just let him be, let him spin, and kept myself centered and in control of my own feelings and emotions. I was completely committed I had no doubt. Why did I need to spin. Instead I panicked, thinking that his uncertainty was about this lack of love and commitment. I now realise it wasn't. I just needed to have held my own.

I don't know if any of the above is true for you. It likely that your man has his reasons for why he is uncertain. But talking about those reasons right now with all the emotion in the air is a bad bad decision.

Keep coming here and venting, and being emotional. But with him, be the strong and stable oak, or there is a story here called the LIghthouse, read it. Plant your feet Tulo, you have got this!!!

Written to you from New Zealand that is enjoying a lovely autumn evening

JB XXX

Last edited by JellyB; 04/27/15 10:24 AM.
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Thank you Cadet! smile Been reading several responses from people but not known how I find their story.. Now I know! smile

And hugs at least I'm good at! smile
Hug to you, just because.. smile


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
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Originally Posted By: JellyB
Tulo, you dear little sweet candy!!

Keeping reading and posting!

My hope would be that he respects you setting a boundary.

He is trying to decide is he in or is he out.

And I completely let his fear, escalate my own. I failed big time. Don't let this happen to you. I should have just let him be, let him spin, and kept myself centered and in control of my own feelings and emotions. I was completely committed I had no doubt. Why did I need to spin. Instead I panicked, thinking that his uncertainty was about this lack of love and commitment. I now realise it wasn't. I just needed to have held my own.

I don't know if any of the above is true for you.

Written to you from New Zealand that is enjoying a lovely autumn evening

JB XXX


Oh, New Zealand.. I have puppy buyers who live there and I've always wanted to go.. Maybe one day! smile

I think much of what you write is pretty much the same as what I'm going through. Think the first limerance is over and now it's a matter of staying put or getting out. And he starts thinking that when love now has changed, maybe it's not enough or something like that..

He have told him that I don't want to let go of this until we really know that love lost can't be found, so that he knows.
I'm just so scared that he will keep on pulling away and if I also step back, that it will be to much distance to gap later on.. But so be it in that case, I don't think I have much of a choice at the moment.

I'm gonna focus on me and the run I'm doing in 4 weeks time and hopefully he'll see that I'm pulling back and come after me.

But have to ask, what is it in my situation you see that made you write that many would do anything to be in my shoes? To me it seems so dark, you see.. Maybe I can't see them because I'm just to close.. Or something.

Big hugs!! And even bigger THANK YOU for your reply! smile


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
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Morning Tulo,

In answer to you question. You are in the early stages of this, you still have contact, right now you still have a relationship, maybe not the one you want but you do have one. He has told you where his head and heart are at even if he doesn't exactly know where he is. The above are all gifts to you.

Me I did the begging and pleading for months before the relationship ended. Every irrational thing I tried, every ill considered conversation about the relationship, left him feeling ambushed and emotionally manipulated. I pushed him to far outside my circle of influence that he never stepped back in it.

So many of us here, are living with no or minimal communication with our ex and spouses. I would give anything to have be given a glimmer of the light you have right now.

So slow down and regroup and take the next step in the most considered way possible. Read DR/DB. And as Cadet says you man has given you the "GIFT OF TIME" please use it.

On my thread you talked about knowing you can survive in fact you said "thrive". So do it, act "as if " you are already there. One of your goals right now is to attract this man back. How did you attract him in the first place? Oh I wish Susana4 was around. Read her threads, she isn't around at the moment- hopefully she will be back soon with a glorious update. Susana has been working on saving her marriage which is about 2 maybe 3 and bit years old, and has been rocking the attraction factor.

As I said slow down, breathe, regroup. You have this Tulo.

Hope some vets and more experienced newcomers jump in here soon!

For now Tulo, lot so hugs ((((((Tulo)))))).

Let me see what this day will bring!

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Oh, now I understand what you mean.. And hopefully that is a good thing and I can keep my foot out of my mouth and put a lock on myself long enough to make him notice a change..

But you know what? He called this evening, and I feel I almost want a medal for remembering and accomplishing everything people have told me on this tread and others.

I had just been away running with a half marathon group that get together every Monday. I answered happy as a clam and asked if I could call him back in 10 minutes when I've dropped off my son at his place. He said I could and I did. And I know it might be hard to believe but I kept it very bubbly and happy, and I even said "Well, you better go to sleep now then and I hope you sleep tight!".. I was the one ending the conversation!! grin I said nothing about seeing him or when we would talk next.

Felt amazing afterwards.. Hopefully I can keep up the good work when he gets in touch next time. I've decided to go to the cinema tomorrow night. I'm gonna try to keep myself happy by doing stuff I like and running, taking care of my dogs and house and going to the cinema does just that.

I'm gonna keep reading your tread only came about half way but it's long past midnight here now and I need to sleep a little bit.. Gonna try to look fresh as a daisy if and when I get to see him again, and bags under my eyes does not do me any favours I think.. wink

Big hug to you sweet JellyB!! sleep

Ps, I'm a huge fan of the candy Jelly Beans.. smile Ds


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
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Hi Tulo, evening time here in NZ!

Sounds like you are doing a great job of managing your emotions. I find excercise is great for my perspective and raising the mood! Good work in the GAL too. Half marathon, I'm super impressed, I'm just trying to wog (walk/jog) 5 km on a consistent basis at the mo! Thanks for inspiring me to keep going.

As for my threads, they are not a good example of DBing. I feel I haven't had a chance to DB as ex has been artic for months! He is in a new relationship with the ultimate amazing woman, I'm not joking, I pale into insignificance...lol. My journey is one of self discovery now, how do I become someone only a fool would leave...

Yes I love Jellybeans too especially, the red ones...but to be honest I am actually a Jellybaby (red of course! Lol).

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Walk and run is a great way to work up the stamina and distance and is actually a way of interval training not to be frowned upon! Keep up the good work, and just be kind to yourself and see the smallest of development. Haha, just realise that that goes for all ways of life actually. But sometimes when you run you just have to put your arms in the air and do a winner gesture just because you get out of the house and give it a go.. And SMILE, that makes it easier, believe it or not. Tricks the mind to think it's easier than it is.. Haha, enough talk about my favourite topic! I can talk running for hours.. laugh

I'm gonna keep trying to have my emotions in check but if I know myself, I'm gonna run in to moments when I just want answers to all my questions a.s.a.p.
But I'm trying to work on me, and running is a great way to lower anxiety so that is what I'll do.

Since we haven't said we've broken up, do you think it's a risk that he's waiting for me to call this time? You know, he called yesterday so it could be my turn now?
My plan is NOT to call and let him do it, just thought that I don't want anything to backfire..

Haha, reds my favourite too! Will buy some next time it's candy time for me in your honour! smile

Hugs!! blush


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
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Jelly babies are great fuel, maybe a pocket full of them on your next big event. I used to have them when I did cycling events (once when I loved my bike and couldn't get enough of it).

As for the contacting him. My only question would be why? And refer you back to Sandi's rules. When you were a single girl did you chase or prefer to be chased. What about your man, did he pusue your or did you pursue him? Right now he needs to pursue you!

Another question has he given you any clues about what you may or may not have done to contribute to his sudden feelings about the relationship, or has he just been ambiguous? I just ask because there could be some clues there for you.

Last edited by JellyB; 04/28/15 08:28 AM.
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