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Ripken8 Offline OP
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That's exactly what I told her. I don't want to divorce but won't stand in her way. The second part was I cant be in an open marriage and if she continues the affair that's disrespecting me and I can't me her friend or in her life outside from talks about the boys. Now I show her that by going dark.

She filed so I can't kick her out of the house, it's her legal residence and she's no leaving. I don't want to vacate the home. Also with 2 sons here it's not like I can just be gone every night and miss time with them.

What else should I have done and better yet since I can't change the past, what can I do now? Feels like I screwed this up more than I thought


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BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
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Ripken,

I just read up on your situation. It was just over a year ago I discovered my W was having an A. Prior to that, I got the "im not happy speech" about 7-8 months earlier. After finding out about the A, it got awful in our house. She was as bad of a WW as any on this site as far as being disrespectful, not caring about my feelings or being hurtful...you know the story. A couple of months later, she filed for D, and we separated to different towns. It was then I found out about DB and this forum. 2 extremely painful months later and with lots of support from this forum, I worked on what I could on myself, did my 180s, worked on GAL, and utilized the LRT. Guess what? We started having the occasional date nights. She became more openly affectionate and caring towards me. She still wanted a D she said, but she would never serve me the D she filed. Those date nights were short lived during that summer. By late fall I was done. I dropped the rope, and I felt good about it. I was at peace with my decision. In December I filed D in our new state, and I immediately had her served. And guess what? She became even nicer. Our interactions are friendly and all smiles. She is the one dragging her feet on the D I initiated. She was supposed to turn in discovery answers in January. Well, here we are almost May and she still has not.

I am telling you this because I was once right where you are now. I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I could not imagine my W and I even being friendly to each other. She constantly initiates texting, spends more time with the camera pointed on herself than the kids when I skype with them. Does this mean her A ended? Who knows. Does this mean she wants to R? Couldnt tell ya. Does it mean she is having second thoughts? Anyones guess. Worrying about what your W or my W is thinking is a waste of time. What all of this means is that I am comfortable in my life where it is. I am detached enough from her where her actions, good or bad, have no impact on my daily life, or my plans for the future.

You will get there too. It just takes time. You will hear it over and over on this forum. I heard it, and it meant nothing to me back then because I was worried about what I could do that very day to make things better. The only thing that will, is time. Maybe not for your M, but it will for you, if you spend it working on becoming the best you possible.

Best of luck to you.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Question - is your name on the deed or is it only her name? If only her name she can kick you out legally (sorry). I would scout out close studio apartments just in case.

If your name is on the deed - I would move her stuff out of the marital bedroom to the couch or another room. Is that why you are still living together? If so, they must be hard.

If both of your names are on the deed - don't leave the home try to get her to leave.

Try to be distant but cordial and it sounds like you are doing a good job at that. Don't do her any favors shopping or picking up any legal docs -let her do it.

Spend as much time with your boys as possible - be gone from the house as much as possible. Don't enable her in any way as she is a ww.

This blows right!?!

Hang tough my friend.


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Ripken8 Offline OP
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Pilot - thanks so much for your story. That helps. I hope one day I can get to that point. I have flashes where I think I'm there and I'm clearly not. Were u able to detach while she was still living with u? I find it's easier when we're apart, but I don't see separate residences for months down the road. What can I do now? Again, can really only be out 2 nights a week or so. Any more and I feel like I'm abandoning the boys.

Heavy, we both have names on the lease and apparently when she filed her lawyer stated this is her legal residence. So when she told me last week she wanted the divorce and later admitted to the affair, I suggested she movie out and she declined and said she's not until the house is sold and we can both move out then. The house isn't on the market. I'm not talking to any real estate agent and to my knowledge she hasn't. It's on her to do something.

At first I think I was in shock and confused that with pity for her and trying to understand the pain she must have been in to chose an affair and now that she's there her addiction she must have to lie to my face and hide it. However lately I'm dreaming and thinking about ww and om so frequently anger and hurt are taking over. What are some ways to work through this so I can be upbeat and positive while gal and trying to be the best me possible? I already have weekly appointments with an ic and db coach.


M-33
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S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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The other question I have is the communication during going dark. I gave her my boundary that all communication would be about the boys and we can't be friends with the om in the picture. So I don't initiate anything. However, how do I do that and respond when she does and still one across polite and cordial?

Examples: she makes a dinner she's excited about and asks if I want some. (This one was easier for me) I say simply, no thank you.

She starts making small chat about a show she's watching or the recipie she's cooking. I waiver between ignoring and no comments or simply saying "that's good or ok".

My default has been to ignoring and silence when spoken to, but this seems cold and rude and not what I understood lrt to be. This is still really new to me and hard to grasp.

I don't want her to feel things are ok and we're friends, but I also don't want to just be rude and a dick either. Responding to communication that she initiates is another struggle right now.


M-33
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I moved out 5/23
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If your name is on the lease - get a copy. That's what's important no matter what she tells any lawyer or realtor. If your name is there don't move - you have every legal right to be there, period. Do you own this house? If so, she can't sell it without your consent. Can you make the mortgage payments on your own?

Yiou have to remember she is not your friend right now. She is using you, lying to you, doing everything in her power to get her way, that is have sex with another man against your marriage vows and your wishes.

You don't have to be cold, just say no thanks she is playing nice - giving you plates of food etc... That's all. I struggle with that too being cold or just being distant but polite.

You can do this - make her respect you. Be the best father you can be!


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Heavy D - thanks. We own the house and both of our names are on it. I'm not worried about me getting kicked out or losing it, but also feel she won't be leaving either.

So, if we're going to be in the same house together, how I can get through this as she continues to decide to continue the affair? I know there's nothing more I can say or do to change this, so how can I work on me?

Also, yes, any more suggestions or feedback on the communication would help. Not trying to be her friend, but also not an enemy. How to have that balance is escaping me.


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Rip,

Originally Posted By: Ripken8

So, if we're going to be in the same house together, how I can get through this as she continues to decide to continue the affair? I know there's nothing more I can say or do to change this, so how can I work on me?


You only can control YOU. You've already said your no OM boundary and communicated to her that you don't want a D, but won't stand in her way. It's time to STFU about that boundary and not wanting a D forever. She's heard you.

Going forward it is all about actions. How you can work on yourself is doing some introspection and think about some of the legitimate issues that W complained about you. The do 180s that are FOR YOU because, after all, you'll live with those changes for the rest of your life regardless if W comes back or not.

If you had a temper, then work on it and becoming more calmer. You get the picture...

Originally Posted By: Rip
Also, yes, any more suggestions or feedback on the communication would help. Not trying to be her friend, but also not an enemy. How to have that balance is escaping me.


Respectful and cordial communications are the way to go. Don't be a dick if W offers you something like dinner. Simply say, "thanks" and eat. Just be sure that you and W don't do family activities like going out to the movies, zoo, etc.

For now, go dark. Communicate only on the logistics related to the children. Stay in your own MBR...make sure W is sleeping else where.

Never, NEVER talk about or bring up OM. Look past him.

Use your ears more than your mouth when interacting with W.

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Ripken8 Offline OP
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Wonka - THANK YOU! That helps. Yes, even though I bring up the boundary and speech on hear, I don't tell her that and wouldn't. My talks and discussing on Marriage/Divorce, etc are done.

I will go back to my list of things I need to improve upon and find ways to work past those, for me.

As far as with the WW, I even felt eating what she made or acknowledging/allowing her to do anything for me was what a friend would do, so ignored or turned down those offers. But again, that felt cold.

Again, wife is sleeping elsewhere, I'm in MR. We have separate accounts and she pays for her own things.

I'll keep that in mind with family activities. So even in times like watching TV with the boys and she comes in the room - should I leave? Or in that scenario, if she's already in the room with the boys, should I not stay and watch with them?


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I moved out 5/23
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Rip,

Be yourself in your own house.

The most important thing is to get out of the house more often. Join a softball league, take up Judo, take art classes...whatever it is that strikes your interest. Then inform W that she will need to watch the kids during those block of times.

I am glad to read that you are in the MBR. Good! Stick to this plan. Ah, you do have separate accounts....very good.

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