Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Keep your chin up Jas, you'll get through this.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
Thanks Bob. That really is a reassuring verse. Both because of the words themselves, and the wide interpretation that the Bible sometimes allows for us.

I want to see it as the plan being that my wife and I will be reunited, but it could just as easily mean that this door will close, and another will open.

Quick journal:

When W moved out, we agreed that the parent with S4 would be available for the other to call between 8pm and 8:30pm for good-nights and "how was your day" stuff with him. She called right at 8pm last night, but nothing tonight. S4 didn't ask about it, so I let it be. I also wanted to reach out to her, but chose not to, as the expectation was clear, and she understood it.

Personally, I have set an alarm to make sure I am available to make or take that call, for the sake of S4.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
Thanks PigPen. I know I will. I start out the days a little bummed, but as the day goes on, it ends in a much better place.

I think I just need more sleep at night, and the mornings will be better. Find it hard to get mor than 4-5 hours per night. I wake up with a start, soaked in sweat, then can't get back to sleep. Never remember dreaming of anything in particular.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Originally Posted By: JAS84
Thanks Bob. That really is a reassuring verse. Both because of the words themselves, and the wide interpretation that the Bible sometimes allows for us.

I want to see it as the plan being that my wife and I will be reunited, but it could just as easily mean that this door will close, and another will open.
JAS,

You are very welcome! A good way of looking at it. I'll keep that in mind for my own situation.

Hang in there.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
Last night, while going through some papers and things, trying to clean up a little bit, I found a letter from W that she wrote me a few weeks before BD. It is essentially a playbook for what she wants. I will transcribe for your reading pleasure later today.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
The letter:

I needed to write down how I feel since face to face arguments always begin and end the same way and things go nowhere.

We need to figure out what we are doing. I will give you my side of things and it's going to sound harsh, but I need you to understand the gravity of the situation we are in.

I am at a point that I feel indifferent when it comes to us. I don't want to get divorced but when I roll things around in my head, as I do every day, it's the only conclusion I come to that gives me hope of being a happier person.

I need someone who loves me and shows it, and loves S4 and shows it, someone who wants to go do things, get out and explore, do things with S4 just for fun. Someone who is willing to split responsibilities with me, who takes pride in their home and personal appearance. Someone who loves their family and wants to spend time with them, not just out of obligation. Someone that will treat me the way I should be treated.

I can't go on living in fear that my miserable marriage will be exposed when my son tells someone that Daddy sleeps on the couch every night. You realize that it has been that way for over 4 years, right?

The sleeping on the couch started when I was pregnant. Maybe you don't realize how damaging that is, to know your husband has been sleeping on the couch for 4 years. It hurts. I am not innocent and I know that I have neglected our relationship as well. But, I have felt that I shouldn't be the only one making an effort, so I gave up.

I don't want to live in fear of letting new friends meet you because I don't know what they are going to get. I get embarrassed by you because of how you act around people. I feel like the only time or place you make any type of effort is work. When it comes to any other situation you act as if you are either too good for it or you can't be bothered.

I have felt like you don't care about us for a long time. You've told me different many times and I want to believe you, but then it goes back to the same old, and your actions prove otherwise.

I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want S4 to grow up in a broken home. But I feel like it's more broken now than it would be if we divorced. I think in time he would be happier with 2 separated parents that are happy than miserable parents together.

I need you to think about what I've said and decide if you can and/or are willing to be that person. If not I completely understand. If so we have a lot of work to do. I am willing to keep trying, but not for much longer. I hold a lot of anger and resentment towards you that will take a long time to turn around, if it can even be done. But I can try. We need to decide what we are doing because the longer it goes on like this the worse it's going to get and things are going to end badly. I don't want that.

Please think about it and we can talk.



When we did talk about this, a day later, I said I did want to work on it, but didn't know where to begin. Because of the fear, I ended up not doing much, and the things I did do, were out of desperation, not true self, and she knew it.

BD was a few weeks later.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
After not responding to a text message about how S4 was doing for 25 minutes (was driving), she called.

Asked how S4 was doing. Replied that he was great, and that we had a great weekend. She said that's all she wanted. I said have a nice day, ended call.

Smiled through conversation, felt like that transferred into the few words I spoke.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
JAS -

I'm sure that this letter is tough to read now and you might be thinking it is too late to do anything about this, but this sounds like a clear road map to me - addressing these things will help you become a better person, a better father, a better man, and a better husband to someone. Keep this as a reminder to what your goals really are.

You can do this and it may or may not be noticed by W, but it will improve you.

Keep it up JAS!!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
Thanks u, it was a tough read, but not as tough as it was to read a few weeks ago. Looking at it from an outsider's perspective now, and am able to see it much more clearly. Originally, just like everything else I was seeing through depression-tinted glasses, I felt attacked, and afraid of how to start.

To me, the best part is that most of it doesn't involve interaction with W, so I can work on it with/for myself, S4, and my relationships with others. Eventually, W may start to allow an avenue to show her a level of interaction beyond S4.

Definitely a road-map for change, and very obtainable. She listed what really are basic qualities that I was striving for anyway since BD, so while it has been/will be difficult at first, it's nothing I can't do.

Side-note:

Consult with L went very well this morning. Went over the situation, explained that I was not looking to divorce, but would defend my position if necessary, and explained that W was in an active A and I was planning on riding that out.

Overall, she said she had never had a consult with a potential client that was so prepared, and already on the right path for any outcome that could happen.

Nice to know that even a professional sees that. Feels different than friends and family validating what I am doing.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
J
JAS84 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 88
Day is going really well. Decided last night that I was going to quit smoking cigarettes. Bought some nicotine patches, and am wearing one. Have had urges, but easier to tune those out when compared to thoughts of W and my situation, lol.

Speaking of that, though, even that front has been really good today. I finally feel like I am approaching things from an outsider's perspective, and with a beginner's mind, and the feelings towards the situation are changing. Not so much sad as much as I almost feel some pity, mostly for her but also for our son. I know I'll be fine, and I know S4 will be fine whenever he is with me. I cannot change how she feels, nor how S4 is when they are together, but I am getting to be OK with that.


Me: 30, W: 29
S: 4
T: 14
M: 5
BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space
OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015
S: April 25th, 2015
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard