Cadet, how do I navigate in order to keep patience. My anxiety hasn't been this high since the BD. It feels like this weekend would have been easier had she never told me last week that she loved me.
So, by patience, I'm assuming that you mean detach, GAL and keep following the 180's right?
Anyone have any tips in order to balance patience and anxiety (no I don't want to take anything).
Tonight I have a session with my therapist and then I intend to go to the health club. Then get home in time to put the D's to bed. I won't be home for dinner where normally I would have been.
Am I pulling back too much? There is so much second guessing in this.
Can I ask her what she meant last week when she said she loved me and then kissed me? It sure doesn't seem that way now.
I'm keeping up with your situation, and it seems there are alot of positives.
Let me caution you however. And I deliver this from my own past experiences.
When this happened to me, these overtures were tests. What I gather from these tests is that she is determining if she has control over you or not.
So, she has an emotional affair which in my view is just as damnable as a physical one, and now she is giving you affection and love and you are sucking it in like some lost puppy. She knows you are afraid of her and that she can control you.
And let's admit it, you are afraid of her.
In my case, this was all self defeating. She lost respect for me. And once her tests for control were successful, the situation went from hopeful to eunuch.
I don't know if this is happening in your case. You are living it and you're going to have to watch her attitude. I will tell you this, the moment you sense she has lost respect for you, a different direction needs to be considered.
Also, I want you to understand something. The possibility of a PA is always there. I'm not trying to give you more anxiety but don't believe a word she is saying.
My advice?
Fear and anxiety is defeated by boundaries. If she is currently in an EA, let her know that you will never accept that. You can't stop her, but you don't have to tolerate it. There are ways to improve a relationship, going to OM is not a solution. Remember, WAS use AP's as a tool to break off relationships. A's are not the reason why the M broke down. It was broken before the A.
Start letting her go. Implement boundaries, no contact, detach, and concentrate on yourself and your kids.
"Oh but I will lose her if I do this".
I had that thought too. But back then, even with the hope, I had in fact lost her the moment she had the A.
TenBook thanks for following along and your words of encouragement. Yesterday was a tough day, it's a relief to hear from someone that's been there.
I have no doubt that the EA is (or was) also a PA. I don't know if either is still going on although I find it hard to believe the EA isn't as they are co-workers.
Yes, you are right, she has all of the control right now and probably those overtures came last week because I implemented the 180's and at least gave the illusion that I was taking control over myself. Then, I fell for her bait when she said she loved me. Ironically, the first time she said it was last Thursday and I thought she was talking to the D, so I ignored it, then she said it emphatically the next day. If/when she says it again, I will do a better job with boundaries and not take the bait.
I have a question about setting up boundaries with the EA/PA. Sandie's 180 rules say to..
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
If I bring up a conversation now about the EA/PA in order to set boundaries, doesn't that fly in the face of the 180's, which seem to just "act as if" I am moving on.
If I bring up a conversation now about the EA/PA in order to set boundaries, doesn't that fly in the face of the 180's, which seem to just "act as if" I am moving on.
What is the boundary you want to set? And why must you speak to her to do it?
A boundary is for you, like a line in the sand that says if you cross this line I will...... So what is the boundary and what is your consequence?
Cadet, I was responding to TenBook's post, suggesting I set a boundary regarding the EA/PA.
I'm trying to remember back to the BD day/week. I'm pretty sure I set some boundaries. She doesn't carry on the EA from home (at least not in front of me) and frankly, she's home nearly all of the time and her whereabouts are not in question. So, if there is a PA, it's happening at times I have no control over anyway.
Now, she is supposed to go on a business trip with several colleagues in June, presumably including OM. As that time nears (depending on where we even are in our relationship), I will have to set boundaries or I will go nuts. But for the time being it doesn't seem useful to push the issue.
The boundary I am interested in setting is one with her saying "I love you" and then kissing me, etc. As much as I'd like to ask her about it, I think it would be more productive for me to just set this boundary personally, so that if she does tell me that, I just say thanks, and if she asks if I want a kiss, or she tries to kiss me, I would just say, not now, thanks.
I need this boundary because of how I felt over the weekend, being played like a pinball.
The boundary I am interested in setting is one with her saying "I love you" and then kissing me, etc. As much as I'd like to ask her about it, I think it would be more productive for me to just set this boundary personally, so that if she does tell me that, I just say thanks, and if she asks if I want a kiss, or she tries to kiss me, I would just say, not now, thanks.
The boundary is fine, but just put it in force, you don't need to tell her about it.
The anxiety was killing me so I casually asked my wife why she told me she loved me last week. (Note, this may have been the wrong thing to do, but it was the right thing for me. The anxiety, the not knowing anything, was going to eat me alive).
Anyway, the answer was "well I'll always love you and I haven't said that in a while." Sounds a lot like ilybinilwy right? She said she also appreciated the space and that it wasn't like a pressure cooker at home. Then she said, but we can't go on like this forever right. I said, "no, not forever." So, she said, why don't we check in on Friday with where we are.
Right now, this seems better than limbo. (can't remember if I posted this or not, but my wife and I were separated 5 years ago and the limbo nearly did me in then, so I know I can't take the limbo). But, I will be very anxious on Friday night. I'm going to do my best to prepare to hear "we should separate" or "we should get a divorce." I mean she already said 3 weeks ago that we should get a divorce and then she decided she wanted space to think about it.
So, my question is this, assuming she says she wants a S or D, how do I react. Frankly, at that point, I think I'll just be ready to move on, so how do I do that with dignity?
I think I would like to stay in the house. However, in my state no one can kick the other out of the house. Anyone have any ideas on how to get her to leave? Alternatively, I've been looking at apartments so I could just go (after getting everything legally lined up with D's).
