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#2561146 04/26/15 04:54 PM
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...with all the bricks they threw at me.

Deep cleansing breath.

I had a really nice day yesterday. Took a wonderful walk with my dog.

Watched some management vids with a really no-nonsense/no-excuses type of manager and I learned a lot.

Drove around and looked at the pretty countryside and some fixer-uppers with D12. We took the drive around sunset. The sunsets around here are simply breathtaking.

Slept in this morning and awoke to D12 cleaning up the downstairs and doing laundry and making me a cup of coffee. What a kid?! Still, this kid needs some friends pronto. I'm cool with her helping and I know she loves to clean...but, she needs more. So do I. :-)

Opened an account on Mint.com which will help me get a handle on where my money needs to go and what sorta budget will work to get things whittled down. D12 is dead-set against moving again...I explained to her that we can stay where we are, but it may mean renting D20's room and my writing lots more which won't leave much time for fun. I told her, calmly, we need to come up with a plan as a team in order to bring things under control and reduce some of this stress on me...which, indirectly, stresses her.

She gets it.

Still tossing around options with extra income, possibility of moving, asking the landlord to adjust the rent, etc...

Fort Drum's talk of downsizing is reducing rents like a tidal wave around here. Things are suddenly becoming much more affordable.

In the village where I work, there were three dinner events this weekend, a bake sale, another church event, etc...I'm seeing how, if I lived closer, these are events where I could kill two birds with one stone and deepen the friendships I've made, plus give D12 a chance to meet more people.

There's an old house across the street from my office that's for rent. Owned by a slum landlord though...not sure about this...

The thing is...as much as I love the views of the Adirondacks and the beauty of the village where we live...people are really beginning to love me in the village where I write the newspaper.

There's this one property available which has an old schoolhouse and a mobile home. The mortgage, including taxes and insurance, would come to around $500 per month--this is with approx. $20k allotted for initial improvements to make things comfortable for us. This would give me the opportunity to gradually fix up the old school house in order to rent it out as a snowmobile camp or summer rental, while paying down some debt.

Matt and I used to go around and restore old apartments in Akron and we restored the home we lived in for 20 years--with my doing a lot of the work towards the end.

Now, that I don't have the pressure of the other publication looming over my head...I'm feeling a bit freer.

Just thinking here. Please don't pop any balloons today. This is the first time in months that I've felt excited again about being in NY and enjoying my life on MY terms.

I don't know. I'm thinking out loud and I'm feeling some excitement about living again. Thinking about things that drive my passion like restoring old homes and history and all sorts of things. Life is good today.

Releasing some of that stress yesterday made a big difference. I've been carrying a lot of tension. It needs to go somewhere. Got out my yoga book yesterday. Did a few poses.

Have to get down to the business of writing today. Plan on writing a bit and taking a break...


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Quote:
Goals:
1. Use this job as a stepping stone to something else even better. Or, add some of my dream writing to the mix like children's books. Continue to network in the areas that fill me with passion.
2. Put my finances in order so I feel some peace, serenity and pride where money is concerned.
3. Help get D12 back on a level playing ground with everyone else her age (socially, academically, emotionally)--with 1-2 good friends.
4. Continue to rise above the past 3 years in a way that works for me--rise above in a manner that makes my life fairly awesome and much, much better than what I left.
5. Create a sound support system of 3 close friends here and in Ohio.


Last Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2561150&page=1


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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You sound great, Heather. Pondering, dreaming, thinking... happily. With enthusiasm and excitement. That's always fun and motivating.

What a nice surprise this morning w d12! I love those moments.

Aahh.... and those sunsets. I hope you get a chance this summer to drive a little further north and watch them over the river. Those are the best. My grandpa, who lived on the good ol' St. Lawrence watched them every night and said there was nothing like it. They are amazing.

Glad you were able to release some tension. Sometimes... ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Cathartic.

Keep on truckin, girl. You are finding your place. That's exciting to see.

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No balloon popping from me, Heather.

Thinking about options is never a bad thing. Thinkin about what drives your passion sure aint either.

Keep going, sweetie. I am rooting for you.

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Thanks Guys!!

Added more info to my Mint.com.

Looking at numbers and facing the debt. It's not as bad as some, I know. Still pi$$es the living end outta me.

I swear, I think this Rat Bastard coulda screwed his way through an army of skanks and it still wouldn't pi$$ me off as much as the wasted time and money. IDK. Maybe it's the Midwestern girl in me. I know I've wasted my share of money...still, in my case it's always gone to the kids and helping them in some way. This is just stupid and I HATE stupid.

Ok. Outta my system. Breathe. Planning on another walk today. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Bringing this over from Cal's thread.

AJ wrote:

Quote:
Not carrying anger nor resentment doesn't require forgiveness. It does require acceptance of what happened and a decision to not carry that anger and resentment.

But to me, forgiveness does require the concept of repentance. i.e. "I recognize I did you wrong, and I am deciding I won't continue to do that to you. Can we wipe the slate clean and begin anew?" When I say begin, I mean our new relationship, which may be close to nothing, won't carry that baggage over. It's forgotten as if it never happened.

Because it needs to be as if it never happened, can you see why it requires two people and not just one, or am I missing it still?

I can accept that you wronged me, treated me poorly, maliciously did x,y,z toward me etc. I can accept that you're human. I can accept that you're happy you did them and don't want to change anything about what you did toward me. That's your world and one you live in. I have no reason to forgive you of the offense(s). None. I don't need to be angry about it just as I am not angry when a small child bumps into me and spills his drink on my leg. I'm not angry, although I don't particularly like it nor seek out opportunities to be around that child while they have a drink in their hands and aren't tied to a chair or their parents smile i.e. I haven't forgotten and I haven't forgiven in the sense that I'm not looking to continue a relationship with a child that's done that. No anger, but no relationship.

And I think the relationship, of some sort, is key to forgiveness. Otherwise, it's cheap forgiveness.

But I don't have a live a bitter, angry, cold life of untrusting solitude either. I don't have to forgive a person to avoid that.

In my mind, forgiveness is not what's needed to heal. Rather, acceptance, peace, and lack of emotions around the acts and person are attainable and much sought after (much like the analogy of the child who did what he did, whether maliciously or not; still a child.) But wiping the slate clean when it wasn't asked for? When it was flaunted as the thing to do? When it was done with intent and malice aforethought?

Nope. Not appropriate.

I don't think it appropriate to extract a pound of flesh for the wrongs either. That's really not the point and provides no value unless starring in an action movie where vengeance is needed for the plot thickener. Otherwise, incredibly limited value in my view. I haven't always "felt" that way though. There was a time I would have been more than happy to run my ex over with her own car, shoot her, push her off a cliff and then do it again. Just how I felt, but not what I believe. Eventually, feelings do catch up with what one believes, thankfully.

When genuinely asked for (not as a manipulative tactic?)
Certainly needs to be done. I.e wipe the slate clean and never speak of it again (both sides). That would be forgiveness if you asked me and the difference.


Forgiveness. Takes two as far as I'm concerned. The rest can be done without it and one can still lead a great life without bitterness, nor anger toward another. Acceptance + choice allows one to say, "I know what you did, and I choose not to retaliate nor talk about it nor carry the burden of your choices in my heart" - without forgiveness.


I can remember a time when I was sixteen or so and my parents had both remarried. I was living with my mom and step dad and my stepdad was abusing us daily. I hated my father. HATED the fact my father was living with his secretary and setting up house and acting as if nothing he had done was wrong.

I can remember having angry, sour thoughts about my father daily...wishing he would die some terrible death.

I can remember being a teen having umpteen people approach me after my dad left and say, "You HAVE to forgive him sweetie...it's the best thing for you...yadda, yadda..." I wanted to spit every time someone said that. I don't HAVE to do anything I would think. If HE has the right to hurt me and impact MY life so profoundly, the least I have is the CHOICE to decide how I want to allow him in my life.

Well, fast forward 35 years or so. I don't feel much anger with my dad. I'll admit that it does surface from time-to-time, as I've noticed it does with my siblings, when he takes some luxurious trip to Cannes or some silly place...whatever. But, overall, I'm able to trust God has a plan and my dad's life is his to handle. When it comes down to it, I know I wouldn't want the life my dad leads. I think it's fairly shallow. But, that's his choice.

Thank God. I WILL get there with Matt. I've already done so, imperfectly, with my dad and grandfather.

Where my grandfather is concerned, I just feel such pity that he chose to live out his days the way he did, away from his kids and grandkids. He was truly pitiful.

Still, I can't say that I have forgiven him. I accept that he was who he was and I choose to live my life differently. I'm still fairly revolted by how he treated his children and my grandmother when he left and after. That's just being honest. He was pretty damn revolting and mean. He continued to be fairly oblivious? Honestly, I don't know because he left and didn't look back.

But, I don't want him to die in a tar pit anymore.

AND...what's more. With my step dad, I really feel nothing but pity. Enough pity to invite him to NY to spend the weekend? NOPE. But, enough that I'm willing to pray for him and ask God watch over him. Same for my dad.

I hate the things these men have done which impact MY life today and made it harder for me to find MY joy in life. I see them as mountains I've had to climb to get to the good stuff. That sorta pi$$es me off still because I didn't and my girls didn't deserve those stumbling blocks.

In my world, go ahead and be an as-hole. Just don't be an as-hole and get in my way from achieving MY joy. Now, when I see someone do that I get incensed because I realize I have the same right as everyone else to enjoy my life. No matter what as-hat says I don't.

I don't imagine, however, I will feel that gristle once I get to the plateau and look down on all I conquered. Yet, I'm thinking they won't be invited to the party. Rat bastards.

There IS a time to put your foot on the neck of your enemy. I believe that. Once you step on them and over them to get to where you need to be...then, it's all good. Water under the bridge.

Postscript. My dad might actually be invited to the party. He has done what he could, financially, to help make up for his past transgressions. I see that. I do. He's tried.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather, the hard part of overcoming difficulties is seeing how life would be without them. Tasteless. We need some difficulties in our lives to grow as humans. Life is messy to say the least and we are in it together.
Quote:
Postscript. My dad might actually be invited to the party. He has done what he could, financially, to help make up for his past transgressions. I see that. I do. He's tried.
The tough part is working through that with him. It's worth it if you can.

My father lost himself when my mom died. I was 16 and he was gone when I needed him most. Or so I thought. My sister was pi$$ed off to high heaven about that. She felt I was being treated badly and didn't like it. She was 18.

Fast forward 20 years. I chose not to let it bother me, or at least to retaliate. I knew he had his own issues and I accepted that. He worked very hard to rekindle the relationships with me and my sister. I'm glad I was open to it and so was my sister. We were able to heal from all of that. In ways I didn't even realize that I needed to.

I was angry he wasn't there when I needed him. My sister was angry. It was a challenge to be sure. One I needed as it turned out.

Dad died suddenly last year. We both miss him a lot. He re-entered our lives when he could and we let him.

And I am incredibly glad I did. I am very glad he tried to re-enter and to seek that forgiveness. That was not easy for him, believe me. And I didn't let him off the hook easily. I tested him because I needed to trust him. The choice to not be angry and not carry the burden that was his any longer than I felt I needed to was the right choice. And one that led to forgiveness and a satisfying and deep relationship.

I hope that your father and you can continue your relationship. It can be worth it, although it is not easy for either of you. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Old post of mine from Wonka's "When/How did MLC start?"

I summed it up pretty succinctly. Good reminder for me that it was a series of life events and both our reactions...which make a lot of sense given how be both handle stress...I feel forgiveness to myself and some to Matt when I read this. It was tough life stuff, not made any easier by some pretty grisley/controlling/meddling/intrusive inlaws and parents. Still, I didn't bail. He had the choice not to.

Quote:
I'm struggling with this one. There weren't any deaths.

Smokey lost out on a big job promotion in 2009-2010? He was devastated. He worked at the same job for 15 years and was a really good employee. When a promotion came up, he was overlooked for someone outside the organization--and this person who was hired was lousy. The guy they hired relied on H to do both H's job and the supervisor job. It was horribly unfair. Around the same time, our house nearly foreclosed. That promotion would have been a God send.

There were other jobs where H lost out, unfairly, and this one really got to him. I was so sad for him.

In addition, our youngest daughter was having serious problems and resisting going to school. We struggled with 3+ hours a day of Autism meltdowns. Very stressful.

Within the year, she was diagnosed with Asperger's and H had a big problem with this diagnosis. He was always "busy" and unable to attend dr appts--he didn't even come when the doc told me the diagnosis. It was my problem to fix--according to Smokey.

And, our oldest was hitting adolescence at full speed--nasty boyfriend and had sex and all that fun stuff--her heart was broken.

Around this time, H really reached out to me to get a job and "rescue" him. I think he looked at me as having the key to saving his happiness. I can see now how I dropped the ball. He needed me and I was too absorbed in our youngest daughter and oldest daughter and trying like he!! to keep our kids from spinning outta control. I didn't give my husband the help he needed from me.

Still, I think that, even if I had given him what he wanted, he "needed" me to be his excuse so he could lose himself in his drug and remain stuck in his own quaqmire of issues.

Heather

_______________

Last edited by LoisB; 04/28/15 11:13 AM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Before I go put the paper together.

I had a dream last night were Matt and I were reunited.

And, Matt was irate and frustrated with how I kept house. It was like this strange reminder of all the ways we drove each other crazy. I was remembering how depressed I was and how I would let things in the house go and I was sorta disgusted with myself.

Then, we went to bed and I remembered how he was such a creature of habit that I wasn't ever able to read a book before bed unless HE was reading a book too because the light bothered him. I also submitted and turned off the light...and all these other little things that both of us did and how I drove him crazy which, in turn, drove me crazy, because he could never let them go and get on with life. He would fixate on little things and I felt like I had to restrain all these natural tendencies of mine to please him.

Oddly, I felt repulsed by him. And, I felt exhausted trying to get so many things done AND worry about all his little details that he NEEDED to be happy.

God forbid we should run out of his particular brand of creamer. I always felt he was keeping a book hidden someplace with all the ways Heather let him down. Check! She forgot the creamer again! Check!

Just a journal note.

Thanks AJ. People are people. Not sure why we get who we get. Have to admit though...It's been awfully nice to be away from the maddening crowd I left behind in Ohio. I've never been free of the pressure of them...I can see why my sister chose Texas. It's sorta nice to live AWAY. Love from a distance.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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Just thought I would chime in on your day dreaming ideas.

I think its a great idea to move closer to the town your paper covers. Not only easier for you and your career but also seems like it would be easier for D12 to make new friends in town.

Not to burst your bubble but why fantasize about another fixer upper. You have so much on your plate already especially if you want to transition this job into a different writing job why go into a fixer upper. To me fixer upper means time and money $ucker.

Susy Orman thinks that rentals are not a waste of money.

Sounds like you are moving forward mentally. Slowly but surely.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing great


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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