KGirl - letting the past go

[zew]

KG, I must confess. I've come by a couple of times this week and you have been just delightful. You have brought a big smile to my face several times, and I thank you for it.

You are your best source of optimism. I assure you, you will be just fine.

Mine said I was much less independent and much less trusting than the average person.

Duh. Just remember. You were trusting. Then you had reason not to be. It doesn't mean you won't be again. It also means that if you answer these questions in the context of H, you will skew the results horribly.

I don't know if the quizzes are just dumb or if I really have issues with being dependent/untrusting. I thought I had really put some work into that with all of my codependent reading and all, but it seems not. For example, one of the questions it asks is "Do you think it's OK to look at your partner's phone or email?" I chose the answer that went something like "yes, if it's warranted or they are hiding something." I have yet to find a guy on the site that I match above 90% with that has that same answer. In fact, they all put the opposite types of answers ("no, snooping is wrong") and that other answers are dealbreakers.

Look, we know these sites are pretty superficial. And we know we've been through some chit and maybe see a few more shades between black and white. So you know by your answer you are going to come across as a neurotic control freak. And also, you know how naive it is to say that snooping is a dealbreaker. So that leaves you with trying to answer as if everything were normal, so that you get the response you want, not scaring off the naively innocent, and not matching only the hopelessly fragile.

And then you realize that probably everyone is gaming this thing, so it's a crap shoot.

So how about this. Realize that you're a little hurt right now, but know that you'll lighten up. Take your honest answer, then scale back one notch toward how you remember yourself before all this crap happened. I'm not suggesting you compromise, but just account for the fact that you've been hurt, but that's not where you'll stay.

Even if the familiar/comfortable wasn't so great, at least it was familiar/comfortable.

This. This is squandering the opportunity that comes from all this crap. Look. We've been disrupted. Sure we were ready to live with what we had, but we've been dumped freed. If the familiar/comfortable wasn't great, this is your chance to do better. Do NOT pass this up. Go for great. My God, KG, to be single, 29, female, no kids, and knowing what you now know about relationships and your needs... Take your glass slipper and claim your prize.

I put 6+. I have yet to see anyone with that, they all put either 1, 2-3, or 3-5. Mostly on the low end. It's really terrifying to me. I keep thinking about what 25 posts sometimes, about how men get to know people through s*x whereas women need to know them first. I said that to some male friends the other day and they both snorted and one said "well, I'm glad that MOST women don't feel that way."

This brought a smile. Chortle. OK, a laugh. But it's true. As Starsky often says, men are really simple. But you have nailed it, sex means different things to men and women.

So, what can I say that will help... Don't do anything that you can't live with, but don't constrain yourself to the overly comfortable. That is, don't lose out on the chance to find what you want, for fear of rejection or being out of your comfort zone. Push yourself to get what you want, but don't lose sight of what you need to sleep well at night.

[KGirl]

Why thank you, zew I feel like I've posting on the "opposite of delightful" end of the spectrum, but perhaps it's not as bad as I thought. Lots of good things to think about.

This part of a recent post from Underdog on Maybell's thread really resonated with me, in regards to my "How the heck do I attract anyone without compromising my values?!" struggle:

"From that time forward, it became part of my personal mission statement to seek authenticity. To force actions to have more of a say than words. And to put my intuitive gut feelings to work helping me seek information I need to make good decisions for myself.

There's a trick to all of this though. It means that others will hold you in the same light and you'll need to be authentic back with them by offering your truths so they can shed light on what information they need in order to be in a R with us. It's intimate and frightening, not to mention humbling and full of grace. I personally think it's what defines us as humans."

[KGirl]

Well, I received the draft marital settlement agreement from STBX, and am reviewing it so that it can be submitted. Once submitted, our final hearing can be scheduled, which will be May 4 at the earliest. I'm still really stressed about changing my name back and what that will all involve at work (basically dozens of people knowing that I will have gotten divorced), but hopefully it will be like ripping off a band-aid - painful but quick. Certainly it won't be stretched out over a year+ like this process has been. It's still sad that our 10+ year relationship has been reduced to ten pages of legal-ease. But, at least I will be "free" after that. Not having kids means I can really, truly, never have to talk with him or interact with him again.. which in some ways is sad, but at this point it's hard to imagine being friends with someone in this situation. Because being friends means you'd talk about things like who you're dating, or who you're marrying, or whatever, and to hear he's dating someone or marrying someone however many years down the line would hurt, considering he said he just didn't want to be in a relationship... but that would mean he just didn't want to be in a relationship with ME ("When Harry Met Sally"!!)

In other news... long story short, turns out the guy who I thought rejected my fb request, never got it, so now we are friends and I can oogle his pictures online I like his posts, he's pretty witty, but is dating some girl right now who is really nothing like me (kind of out of my league as I mentioned earlier) I'm not club-hot, and I'm educated, I have opinions, I will tell you how I feel about something. I asked a different guy I met recently about our current governor and he said he didn't really follow politics... that's even a worse answer to me than if you answered opposite of how I feel! Our mutual friend says the cute guy just getting over his last relationship and this person isn't long-term material. I dunno, I just have different values.. if I didn't see something long-term I wouldn't keep going on dates with someone. And, one of the other guy's I've met, gave me his phone number...! I don't know that I'll use it, maybe if he asks me to do something I will, I just don't really find this other guy attractive enough to be interested, but maybe it would be good practice for the whole dating thing (considering the last time I dated was in high school, to the extent of sitting next to someone at lunch..) At the same time, I feel not-very-nice just using someone to practice date when I don't have an interest in them. Maybe I need to join a dating forum instead of a DB forum...

So, I guess I didn't save my M, unless there's some last-minute weird thing that happens, and even then it'd be hard for me to believe it's real. But, I have learned a lot about myself, what to watch for, and what I need to work on. It's always ongoing and will never be complete but I like to think I have improved somewhat I really counted on STBX for everything and relied on him for my happiness (which left me frequently disappointed), instead of finding my own hobbies, developing relationships with friends and family, etc. Now that I can do that I hope I'll be in a good place for whomever may come next. I also know that I need to be firm about my boundaries and if someone refuses to honor that, then I need to let them go, and not give in and hope they just won't hurt me again. I don't want to be single forever and do want to be re-M, when the time is right and the person is right. I'm ambivalent about kids so that will help in not feeling rushed and like time is running out.

[zew]

Because being friends means you'd talk about things like who you're dating, or who you're marrying, or whatever, and to hear he's dating someone or marrying someone however many years down the line would hurt, considering he said he just didn't want to be in a relationship...

I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you get over this, especially once you find someone who appreciates your value.

turns out the guy who I thought rejected my fb request, never got it

Of course, since you learned here not to mindread, you didn't prematurely chalk that up to rejection, did you. (I will forever picture Mr. Bond yelling "MINDREADING")

but is dating some girl right now who is really nothing like me (kind of out of my league as I mentioned earlier) I'm not club-hot, and I'm educated, I have opinions, I will tell you how I feel about something.

I don't buy into this "league" crap. And stop devaluing yourself. My STBX is club-hot, she's not well educated, she has opinions of people, not ideas, and she rarely revealed how she felt about anything, and that didn't work out so well. Be comfortable with who you are, and someone will appreciate that.

if I didn't see something long-term I wouldn't keep going on dates with someone.

That's fair, don't play someone, but...

I just don't really find this other guy attractive enough to be interested, but maybe it would be good practice for the whole dating thing

So maybe you just answered your own question. Don't give the guy wrong expectations, but maybe he's a friend.

I have learned a lot about myself, what to watch for, and what I need to work on. It's always ongoing and will never be complete but I like to think I have improved somewhat smile I really counted on STBX for everything and relied on him for my happiness (which left me frequently disappointed), instead of finding my own hobbies, developing relationships with friends and family, etc. Now that I can do that I hope I'll be in a good place for whomever may come next. I also know that I need to be firm about my boundaries and if someone refuses to honor that, then I need to let them go, and not give in and hope they just won't hurt me again. I don't want to be single forever and do want to be re-M, when the time is right and the person is right.

And this is pure gold. And this is why you put in the work. STBX is free to wander aimlessly wheresoever he chooses, but KGirl is putting the band back together.

Looking good, KG.

[KGirl]

Well. I just spent almost 3 hours w/ STBX at the local cell phone store, getting our plans divided out and me getting a new phone. First time I've seen him since December, I think. Half of the time was just spent sitting around waiting to talk to someone. It was difficult/sad, but also helpful/enlightening.

Difficult/sad parts: we can chit-chat, small talk, etc. with no problem.. I had told myself to not get sucked in but I did anyway. Which is hard because it leads to thoughts like "We get along great! We have so many things we can talk about! Why is this happening?"

Enlightening/helpful: he is still so obsessed with this app/game on his phone (world of war). His best friend who otherwise supports him in everything apparently told him he needed to delete it. He showed me texts and pictures from people within his league or whatever. He has all these "friends" online he's never met. Is this what he really meant when he said he couldn't make friends when he was with me? It seems like he just wanted freedom to spend 24/7 on his phone. Ewww. Certainly not what I want in a partner, I want someone who gets out and does things, tries new things, and isn't glued to a screen. It's really quite sad to me.

I survived the 3 hours without wanting to kill him. The salesperson didn't ask why we were splitting the plans and didn't make a big deal out of it. The only awkward part was when she asked STBX to set up a pin number and he paused and said to me "Well... I don't want you to hear it" so he asked if he could type it into the keyboard instead. Weird. What am I going to do with it, cancel his phone plan? But, we managed, we have our own plans now, I got a new phone. One less thing to deal with.

[KGirl]

It's been awhile! I guess the less I apply the "D" label to myself and think about myself in those terms, the less I think about posting here. I do still review the threads from posters I've been following since they started.. but I feel like my story and time here may be near the end.

Our final hearing date is scheduled for May 5. Pending something bizarre happening, we will be d'ed on that date. At this point I'm really not trying to actively engage STBX in anything or be overly hostile towards him. I mostly act like he doesn't exist and respond to his questions/inquiries about logistics. We have to meet w/ the mortgage loan consultant at the end of April as I have to sign something as part of the refinancing and all. I do find it embarrassing to think about sitting down with the person who helped us get our loan originally only to have to do all of this just a couple of years later. But, then again, I think it's a bigger deal in my mind because it was our first house - lots of people move frequently and only live in places for a few years at a time (or get d'ed after a recent move) so it is what it is. I just keep reminding myself it will all be over in less than a month and hopefully no more things to think about on that front.

The guy I spoke about early that I don't find attractive but seems to be interested in me... has been laying out a lot more hints. Mostly little things like sending me messages after a group outing asking if I got home safe, or saying "I was really glad I got to see you tonight!," stuff like that. At one point he said something about thinking about buying a house, and I said "I do miss my house and think about buying a condo, but who knows where I could be or end up in a year or two, it doesn't seem worthwhile." So he asked me what my goals were in terms of where I might want to live and work, etc., and then he said "well, you seem really intelligent so I'm sure you'd be fine wherever you go, but I think you should stay in [current town] :)" So in that aspect he is very opposite of STBX, at least STBX as he was at the end, in that this guy is fulfilling some of my needs to fill cared about or thought about or doted on. But, that's still not making me any more attracted to him... whereas STBX I do still find physically attractive. There must be physically attractive guys out there that have those other emotional/communication qualities, right? I've been responding to this guy's messages and being chatty but I wonder if I'm sending the wrong message by doing so. I thought I was just being friendly but who knows how things get perceived. I guess if he does ask me out, there isn't really harm in going on a date, seeing how that goes, and if I'm still not interested then making that clear afterwards.

Now I am getting more into dating than D talk but at this point there is no saving my M so I'm just working on the fact that D is inevitable and moving forward with my life. I still really thought I might be one of those people who could make it work because I just couldn't fathom life without STBX (still can't, in some ways) but, so it goes. It will be OK. Life will go on. It went on after the Badgers loss (though the guys I watched it with felt otherwise...) and it will go on after this!

[labug]

Good to hear from you.

Try not to talk yourself into being attracted to The Guy.

[Mozza]

Thanks for coming back to give us an update. You sound better than ever, even if there is still much ahead of you. I agree with labug that you shouldn't fore yourself to be attracted to that guy. There are plenty of people out there and give yourself time to explore the field.

I understand that at some point you'll need to move on, but I do hope that you'll come back every few months to tell us how you're doing, at least until you give birth to your first child!

[KGirl]

Mozza, what if I never have kids, do I have to come here forever? I honestly have no idea if that will be in my future or when. I don't want to rush meeting and finding someone for the sake of a mysterious ticking clock This guy is trying SO HARD so I guess I'm feeling like I should give him a chance.. but I don't know. He's making gestures and reaching out in a way that seems creepy to me, but that friends say is very nice and normal. I guess I don't know what's normal because in the past whenever anyone hit on me or did something similar, I just automatically found it creepy, because I was taken! Some readjustment to be made, I guess. I also have a lot of friends telling me things like "well I wasn't attracted to now-husband the first time I met him but over time and conversation and etc. etc. etc..." Honestly I suspect the right person for me is someone I haven't even met yet, and I'm kind of excited about trying the online dating thing after my D is final on May 5. We shall see, I guess One of my big fears about all of this was that I'd never find someone that'd be interested in me or find me attractive, or at least enough to actually STAY with me, but it seems like I'm starting to be proven wrong, thankfully! There ARE people that would be interested in me.

On the STBX front, a few more forms and papers to sign, then the final hearing. Then is it too much to hope I'll never have to see him again?? It'd be nice to just have him wiped from my life for awhile, until there's enough time elapsed that I can think of some of those memories fondly. Until then, I'd like to pretend he didn't exist.

[KGirl]

Yikes. I've been doing pretty well but this weekend has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. Been crying more today than I have in the past few months combined, I think. Here's why:

-today is my ex-niece's (is that a thing??) 9th birthday. My SIL's daughter. It's the first year in many years that they are actually in our home state (military family), and they had a party, from what I see on facebook. Feeling like a lot of you have posted lately about being left out of things, particularly since without kids I really don't have a place in that family at all anymore. And I was there when this niece was born and saw her in the hospital... I've been there the whole time, through all of the drama associated with that - SIL did not end up marrying the father and married someone else, father gave up parental rights, etc. And of course, all of the relatives I am facebook friends with have pictures of the party, and STBX shows up everywere. So combine seeing all these photos of STBX along with the fact really hitting me that I'm no longer a part of that family...ouch.

-my car is being all funky and I'm trying to be independent and figure it out but I really have no clue what I'm doing and feel really inept

-and I think the reality of this all being final in less than 2 weeks is hitting me HARD.

Basically, I feel like a hot mess.

On the positive side:
-You know how in the Matrix, when Keanu Reeves is in the sketchy hotel/office place and can finally see all of the coding and what lies under the matrix and sees how it all fits together? I feel like I had that "ah-ha" moment this week, re-reading my "rebuilding after divorce" book about people who rebel against feeling parented. I feel like I can kind of see a map now of all of the different actions, paths, and reactions that lead to D and the various contributions. And how it's not just him being a d-bag as much as I'd like to just attribute it to that most days. It's making more sense and I think I can better see my role in this.. although I think the biggest and most important thing I can do to mitigate my role is just to be more careful in choosing a partner,as opposed to just settling for the first person that shows interest despite reservations I have, because I'm scared of being alone. I've worked hard on being OK with being alone, I can do this, and I'm going to listen when carefully when those little red flags come up and not just dismiss them like I did before.

I think it'll be OK. For now I may just need to accept this is a tough time, and it'll be calm after the storm.