Jeez guys - I thank you for your positive thoughts but yes I think baby steps in the right direction are occurring. If nothing else, her spew has stopped and she seems to be responding to my non pursuit.
Wonka - thank you for idea about getting a good L- it makes all the difference in the world in terms of respect level and protecting yourself. My ww was shocked I hired a lawyer and more so when she received his letters which she disputes. So now it's off to court we go.
Hi Heavy, just caught up on your sitch last few days. It does seem to me that things are shifting somewhat and that you have become more powerful within the sitch. Your W does seem to be feeling some regret and reaching out a little, acknowledging some responsibility. As Wonka says, I would carry on as you are because there is certainly a shift in a good way.
I seem to recall you posting that things were rocky with OW. Maybe this has contributed...the grass isn't greener.
I think that convo where your W cried and you just validated was spot on, and you should carry on with more of the same until/unless she is prostrate, on her knees and desperate for you to be her W again.
Go Heavy!
Hi Heavy!
I agree with my friend Toots. It seems to me that you are becoming a little more powerful.
And the steps you are taking -- pure gold! 1). I have cut off all contact except here kids are concerned 2). I don't reply to her texts, emails, phone calls, etc... except where kids are concerned. Unless it is a emergency I don't reply immediately. 3). I am polite, but distant, and don't ask her any questions at all about what she is doing. I don't judge or blame her or guilt her for any of her decisions. 4). I don't try to fix her or any of her self imposed crisis. 5). I am doing a lot better listening, not agreeing but just listening and mirroring back what I hear. 6). I am continuing with the D process with my own lawyer instead of the mediator BS. 7). I do not reacted to button pushing. 8). I am doing my own thing, making new friends, reacquainting myself with old hobbies, fixing up things at the house, joined a gym, joined a support group, have an IC, and invite a lot of friends to the houes. I also host a lot of sleep overs and trampoline play dates for the week I have my kids. 9). I do not contact any of her friends or family or check facebook etc... When I do run into her friends, I just smile and say hello and keep walking.
I am going to try to follow this plan, or most of it.
You Go Heavy! Don't give up, okay?
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Something else I remembered from the coffee break convo on Friday. She could not articulate why she was with AP. She said it was confusing to her and she thought at first "is it just lust" what is the deal?
She could not say she was in love with her. She has a confused look on her face when she talks about her. She actually said "it's not like I'm going to ride off into the sunset with her." Ummm.....
She told me that this situation is not about the A/P but about an emotional connection. She sees this person once a month as she lives about 600 miles away. How much of an emotional connection can that bring? Whatever.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
A little better. As always I am confused and spend way too much time ruminating and obsessing. I just wish I could move on and be done with all of this.
Heavy thanks again for the venting and stories. I can definitely use any more advice u have on my thread. I am getting my own lawyer so that should help earn some respect back. It seems like you talk to ur wife. I am distant and polite but after telling her we couldn't be friends while she's having an affair, it's hard to do any small talk. I think I need to go back to the boundaries and validation threads wonka was talking about.
Thanks again. Keep posting. Small progress is still progress
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I don't talk to wife - only logistics about kids. Everything else is short cordial and that's it. Frankly the way she is acting I don't want to ineract with her at all.
Getting your own lawyer will even the score and show her you are serious. Does your state a no fault state or does infidelity count as a reason? If so be sure to list the other persons name in the filing.
Keep doing what you are doing - bust this divorce and show her what respect looks like!
Well done HD! I suspect I may be heading towards a similar encounter in the near future. I did experience the first physical contact with W the other day (on my thread if you're interested) and was proud of myself for my behaviour there. Accomplishing that without the presence of the mediator would definitely be an achievement. And it is YOUR achievement - regardless of her reaction, motives or unspoken comments.
I also mind-read regularly, and about our recent encounter(s). She has been unbelievably angry and keeps saying how stressed out she is. Everyone I have told has reacted the same way - "Why, she got everything she wanted?". Well, arguably not everything, life didn't go away with D, but then again that isn't what she wanted - I was the source of stress in her life and I have gone away. Very dark the last 3 weeks. SO maybe A is not so good. Maybe being a single parent really isn't that great (that part is actually great for me:)).
Point is that this is the conversation I have to have with everybody, but honestly, while I have considered all these options and more - I dont really care. Until she says ALOUD, "I want to talk about us", its all mind-reading. And a waste of my(our) energy.
I am busy carving out a life for myself. The life I want as the person I want to be. The person that only now I realise I want to be after having learned how flawed and hurtful I was before. I might not be able to do this, but I will die (still) trying if I cant.
I am really sorry that I wasn't that person. I would love to be that person for you W, but I understand why this isn't something that you are willing to pin your hopes on. so lets just make the best of a bad situation, for us and most importantly for the kids.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
What do you mean she will "test me" - what kinds of tests do you refer to?
She will talk to you and test if you're still there...still interested. She may cry a river...guilt you...looking for you to step in and 'fix' her mess. That is what I meant by "testing you."
It seems to me that W is really thinking about her choices and its impact. Sit back and observe. Don't get sucked in.
You're doing really well with being dark and speaking with her cordially about the kids.
I seriously doubt that W will follow through with the D paperwork. Most likely she'll put it off...week after week.
