Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[Maybell]

From your lips to God's ears!! My options are starting to pop up so once I get past Thursday I will be fine. Fortunately the kids go to their dad this weekend so I'll be able to catch up on my sleep. If the house is showing I intend to do a little couch-surfing. All will be well.

[Maybell]

Hello, all.

I've spent most of this weekend getting the house ready again. I had to go to a dinner for work tonight and STBX kept the kids for a couple of hours at my house till he got back. After all the work I've done he told them just to leave their suitcases and stuff by the front door. I objected rather strongly as he was leaving and told him I thought he svcked for dumping the whole house and everything on me and just walking off. He said he could understand why I was angry and he was sorry.

I've been sorrier spilling wine at a dinner party.

I feel SO ANGRY when he gives me those cr@ppy poor apologies. They are so NOT apologies. Not that an apology would be remotely sufficient in this situation. But I am SO ANGRY that he is not the guy he's pretending to be. As though it's reasonable he could just dump our life on me and I should be reasonable and civilized and evolved and accepting of HIS CHOICES.

What it really comes down to is that I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed that he's not the guy I believed he was. That he's not the guy I made all those sacrifices for.

And I really need to be done being angry with him. I'm tired of it. I want to be above him. I want to just move on and make my life mine, and not worry about him at all and I want to not waste one more minute on anger or hatred for him. And I don't know how to let all that go.

I cried so hard after he left. Because I'm so angry with him, and so tired of thinking about him and so tired of doing work cleaning up after his horrible selfish destructive choices.

He's a serial cheater. There is NO HOPE for him and me. But I still wish he was the guy I thought I married and not this cold jerky stranger who thought a reasonable response to unhappiness (which was entirely of HIS making) was to have sex with strangers.

I WANT TO LET HIM GO. But I'm in the middle of disentangling my life from his and everything about my waking hours right now is about cleaning up after the mess his choices have left me and the kids in. I am so tired of spending my life cleaning up after him but I don't know what to ask him to do because I hate the sight of him and I don't want him around. I told him tonight that the injustice of his behavior makes me want to vomit and he didn't acknowledge that at all except to say "I'll help if you ask me to." I could drop F bombs all day for how inadequate that is. He is not a grown up. He is not a good person. He is stupid for thinking that would even remotely address what I'm telling him. And I'm stupid for wishing he could grasp it.

Somebody, please, tell me how to get out of this awful emotional place. And failing that, somebody please pray that I will make it through, that it won't last much longer, and that I can be clean of him SOON SOON SOON. I don't like letting him in my head any more.

I NEED TO BE OUT OF THIS HOUSE. I need to get clean of him.

[Maybell]

One of the things that makes all this so hard for me is that I work in an industry where we see a LOT of couples who've been married 30-50 years. And most of them are clearly very close. And it pains me. Because they are so mutually interested in one another, even if they don't actually share their interests. It's the PERSON who's important, not the qualities, not so much the mutual interests, not anything except that each values the other for being a person who is important to them.

I hope I find that for myself some day. Sometimes I find it hard to believe anyone could.

[Zues126]

You've got my prayers Maybell. And one other thing...honestly, if I was in your shoes, I think I'd be feeling the same things and trying to handle it the same way. And that's if I flatter myself, because I'm not even sure I could walk the walk you're walking.

What I'm most impressed with is that you understand you can't expect better from him, that you're only hurting yourself with your anger, and that you genuinely want to grow through it. Most people would just keep pointing out their ex's flaws as if to justify it. But while that's a healthy goal, you definitely have to feel that way and sort through it. Look at it this way- you won't feel this way in 100 more posts. Each post is one closer to when it's over.

For me, I'm struggling with that not with my STBX, but with my sister. You might recall she's the one that was best buddies with my STBX from just before BD through her 'harmless flings' as my sis put it, to her summer of 'letting loose' as she put it. She's the one that believes that my STBX is a person of high character, that this is just normal, that people should do what makes them happy. I can forgive my sister for her role in the destruction of my family, I can accept that people will feel differently than me about what it means to be a person of character and how important M is...but I am not yet ready to spend time with her. Partly it is because my STBX and I are heading to mediation then possibly court, and I don't trust my sister to not have a negative impact during these negotiations by unintentionally stirring the pot. But part of it is that I just want nothing to do with someone that thinks this is 'best for everyone'.

My point is I'm dealing with that, and it's tough because while it does us no good to hold on to negative feelings, those feelings are there to help us. I know you know all of this Maybell. I'm sorry if I'm doing the guy thing and trying to be a 'solver'. I just wanted to relate that it's very difficult.

For what it's worth, I don't see you as a negative person, a victim, or a blamer. And I think you'll get where you want to be before you know it. But until then know that your screams are heard.

[Zues126]

One of the things that makes all this so hard for me is that I work in an industry where we see a LOT of couples who've been married 30-50 years. And most of them are clearly very close. And it pains me. Because they are so mutually interested in one another, even if they don't actually share their interests. It's the PERSON who's important, not the qualities, not so much the mutual interests, not anything except that each values the other for being a person who is important to them.

I hope I find that for myself some day. Sometimes I find it hard to believe anyone could.

I think this thought crosses my mind 113 times a day. But I am starting to believe it will happen for me, and for you. At the same time, what comforts me is knowing that even if I am deprived of that particular goal in my life, it will only be because it was out of my control, and not because I didn't cherish that ideal and strive for it to the best of my ability. I'll never lose a night of sleep because I was afraid to put my heart out there and give my all to make that happen. And MB, I really think you'll find a partner who is just as tenaciously looking for you for those same reasons.

[Maybell]

Thanks for your kindness tonight, Zues. It does help.

I still have so much work to do tonight and I've wasted most of my time on how upset I feel about all this. I think I'm going to throw in the towel, though, and give up for the evening, and hope it will all be better in the morning.

[lost18]

Zues seems to have a way of doing that! No words of wisdom Maybell, I think this is just something that you will continue to work thru and eventually let go. ((()))

[claire7]

Hugs to you, maybell. Big big hugs.

Today, I met the cousin of a friend (who is really the wife of Stbx ' s friend, but we've remained close ). Anyway, this friend's cousin is also separated. I told her how my stbx told me he was leaving while our daughter was napping, and a week after he said he was not planning to do that. He left that night and couch-sufed for a couple of weeks till he found a temp apartment. (It took a few months for him to sign a lease, and then a few more for him to have a room set up for our D).

Anyway, she said, "really? Wow, that [censored]. I'm sorry ".

My point is that there are a million ways to deal with an unhappy marriage, and a million ways to get divorced. And your stbx (and mine ) did so in particularly crappy ways.

So it's ok to be angry, I think. And I'm glad you recognize that the anger needs to find a new home (haha), because eventually it will not serve you well. Their choices reveal much more about THEM than anything about us.

You hold yourself to high standards and expect others to do the same. And now you know the danger of having too many expectations. So, the suitcases incident perhaps was thoughtless, but not necessarily vicious. I encourage you to let some of that stuff go, for your own sake. Practice being the kind of person who doesn't keep score or see things like that as personal attacks. (I am guilty of this too, by the way).

Ok this post started with a hug and ended a lot more preachy than I wanted. You are dealing with a super stressful thing --sselling a home and moving-- not by your choice and without help. It suxxxxxx. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Try to keep your mind on being the kind of person whose story is, "I did this all by myself with my head held high and created my own peace and happiness " rather than the person who says, "my jerky ex was a jerk face and left me and I had to do all of this alone and he is a jerk" (does that make sense? )

Hugs. Big big big hugs. The thought of moving makes me panic so I will reread this in the future!!

[SunnyB]

Maybell, it seems to me that you are simply overwhelmed with life. And that is possibly coloring your response to STBX. He's a crap guy, don't get me wrong, but I think you'd be more tolerant of him if you weren't tired and up to your eyeballs in muck.

How do you feel about summers, dear? I've always loved summers, even when I was working, it was a slower pace for my kids. On the other hand, I know moms who enjoy summer for two weeks and then their kids drive them crazy. How about you? Any possibility that a slower summer schedule will give you a little breather?

[Maybell]

I'll be working through the summers so there will be a little bit of guilt in there but I also have good plans and will appreciate the reduced pressure. No more looking at homework, etc., and I can plan for the new school year in advance so that I don't let so many balls drop, etc. Also my sitter has been a HUGE help -- next best thing to a wife, really -- so it will be good to have a breather.

The very greatest stress, though, is the house. I am SO ANGRY with him that HE bought this house after starting the affair and I and the kids are paying the price for his stupidity. I'm getting 5 hours of sleep a night till I crash, and everything isn't ready yet. And he has the nerve to put it all back on me, that I don't ask him to do stuff and he's trying to respect my privacy when the one job I asked him to do he didn't even see through.

Just thinking about it gets me fired up.

STILL don't have a settlement agreement but I'm hoping at least that gets closed out soon. I'm nervous about taking on all the bills, etc., so I'll be glad to have school out to get my feet under me with all that as well.

I need to be out of this house and into my own and I'm nervous that mine will take a while to sell. So anxious about everything.

I will not be as free from him as I'd like for several more years, but it will be a relief to at least get out of the house. And I hope someday to be able to look at him like a neighbor from three doors down and not like the guy who dumped his life on me and walked off. I don't want to carry his weight any longer.