Kids and I had a great weekend. Lots of friend time. Lots of together time. It was good.
I've been really struggling with my relationship with my parents. I'm not inclined to call them. My mom is kind of a drama queen who brings out the worst in me about STBX. If I tell her good stuff about my life she is barely interested. If I tell her frustrations she gets really engaged and that sends me on a roll because I'd like her to be interested in me. When I ask about her life she complains about everything. EVERYTHING. Even things she enjoys are too much of a good thing. In some ways she reminds me of STBX because she's so very self-focused. I can't think of a time when she expressed pleasure at having done anything to help anyone. Or of a kindness that she did out of sheer selflessness. It's sometimes hard to listen to her talk all the time about the scratch in the new dining table or the color paint she chose. So between that and my own hectic life I don't call regularly. I haven't seen them since last August (for a day when I stayed with my brother). She's pretty annoyed with me for not calling more often. Which is understandable.
So they were planning on stopping through my town on the way to someplace else and the date when they were going to do this is approaching. She never said which dates they'd be here or anything. She was very vague about it all. I have no vacation time to take to spend with them and the kids are at the age that they can't miss school (not to mention how all their grades slipped last term when STBX announced the divorce), and they aren't planning to be here for the weekend because they're passing through on their way from the wedding of a step-niece.
I would be happy to see them but it seems really inconsiderate that I'm not worth a trip for a time when we could actually spend time with them. She hasn't given me actual dates and now she's mad that I haven't said strongly enough "I'd really like you to come." Nor has she said "I really want to see you." So she called tonight and was trying to get me to say "Don't come" so I can be the bad guy, and I wouldn't do it. I would pay for that for years if I did.
The week before STBX moved out I took the kids stayed with them for a week and got a huge lecture about how our visit wasn't any fun because I was so emotional the whole time. They have not asked if I need any help except once, and when I said yes and asked for something specific, they pushed me off. If this were anyone else in my circle I'd just let them drift away. But they're my parents.
I'm nowhere near perfect. I do tend to nurture the relationships that are right in front of me and back burner the ones that are more remote. And I'm not that motivated to nurture an unfulfilling relationship with my parents when I know myself to be disregarded by them. I resent their lack of empathy and compassion. I do not know how to manage this relationship. I resent having to devote time and energy to it when I'm stretched thin, and also when I am motivated to nurture the relationships with the MANY people in my circle who have shown such support and compassion for me. I have friends who've checked in on me every single day to see if I'm ok. People who had no reason to do that except from kindness. It is a huge contrast to the treatment I've gotten from my parents. I know I ought to forgive it, but I'm not sure how to while still protecting the parts of myself that are better served by more distance from them.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This is a very insightful post about your parents. To me, it appears more clearly why you're a Nice Girl. You must have felt the need to bend over backwards to be liked. What you say about your parents being upset for years if you said "Don't come" shows how you expect to be punished for showing your true emotions. Of course, your parents are getting what they deserve when you don't call. They create no incentives for it. But it's probably too late to teach them otherwise. The path in their heads are too familiar and there's no external shock to shake them out of it.
I had my parents over for the week-end. I don't know if you'll relate, but they're pretty much the opposite of yours. They never quite say what they really want or feel. To answer yes to a question like "Do you want a beer?" they go "Ah! Oh. Mmm.... Well..." To say no to something like "Do you want to come with me to the grocery?", they'll say a terse "Ok". To most anything I suggest, they'll say "I don't mind." Today, they had to drive nearby with the kids while I would bike there. They kept making up scenarios so that I wouldn't bike, even though I had told them 5 times I was OK biking — I guess they just couldn't believe that anyone would be straightforward. The problem of course is that they do have a preference, but they can't say it. So they say it doesn't matter and, knowing this for living with them for 20 years, they'll complain behind the back of people. And that's how I became a Nice Guy, coming the complete opposite way from yours.
You talk about your parents but then describe only your mother's actions and words. Can you remind us a little about your father?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I only speak to my dad when he answers the phone. He does not call me ever. Being a teenager in his house is not something I want to talk about. He loves me but he is a very tough guy and he follows my mother's lead with me. It's not much of a relationship.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This is great. Maybell. . I too am working on figuring out some boundaries for myself (emotional boundaries, really) with my parents. I can relate, for sure. My mom is like the ultimate martyr. She'll do nice things but mostly for the recognition and praise she expects out of it. She had a tough childhood and was pretty neglected, emotionally. I am much more compassionate and patient with her when I remind myself of that... she doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with things differently. I try (emphasis on try) to accept her for who she is, and be the kind of person I want to be...and the kind of mom I want her to be. But that's all I can control.
As for your parents visit... I know it's not ideal, but maybe missing a day for a rare visit with grandma is ok, especially at this point in the school year? Maybe they can spend time with the kids while you are at work? See if you can allow yourself to be flexible, even though they are not giving you what you'd like. Maybe you can "meet them where they are", emotionally-speaking...
It may help YOU the most, and that is who I am most concerned with!
As for your parents visit... I know it's not ideal, but maybe missing a day for a rare visit with grandma is ok, especially at this point in the school year? Maybe they can spend time with the kids while you are at work? See if you can allow yourself to be flexible, even though they are not giving you what you'd like. Maybe you can "meet them where they are", emotionally-speaking...
It may help YOU the most, and that is who I am most concerned with!
Hello Maybell.
I think Claire is giving you great advice. Please hang in there, okay? Try to take things one step at a time.
So many people on this forum care about you. I can tell you are a very nice person.
I am going to dedicate a prayer to you tonight. You are on my list.
Take care.
{{{Maybell)))
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I wanted to inform you that I remembered to dedicate a prayer just to you and your sitch last night.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I did call my mom yesterday and my dad answered. It turned out to be, surprisingly, kind, generous, supportive, and interested.
Then my mom got on the phone and it was all about her. And brief, and she was short with me.
Which is fine. It's at least more honest and I didn't get sucked into a lot of my own negativity.
They are not coming this time which is a relief. Things on the legal front have turned in an unpredictable direction and I think I won't have the energy to do a lot of outside coddling. It's going to be hunker down time soon.
I know I've gotten a bit sporadic around here. I see a fresh crop of stories and I'm sorry. I want to mentor some people through but my plate is full at the moment so I'm sending warm healing vibes across the boards. Thanks for the kind thoughts.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Someday the D will be over. You'll have other problems, but I have a hunch it can't get much more difficult.
That is surprising to hear about your convo with your dad just based on what you told us. I don't pretend to know, but it makes me wonder what would happen if you two spent a day just the two of you without your mom around. I wonder if he'd be different. Anyway, wishful thinking I guess. No expectations
Take care MB.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
