I try to keep the college roommate analogy in mind. I don't go out of my way to have coffee with her, it's natural. If she were a college roommate I would have coffee at the table with her.
When having coffee I don't initiate conversation and generally just let her talk, or if I initiate conversation, it's about logistics of the kids (at least I try my best). I do not bring up any relationship stuff though.
Personally I would not let anybody stop me from being the BEST possible DAD that I can be.
Do you normally go to these plays? How do you act?
Hi Badger,
Being a Dad myself, I agree 100% with Cadet. So, do you normally go to these plays? If so, then please do go.
Post an update when you have time. You'll get thru this!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I'd been noticing little changes all week, like my wife being nicer to me, opening up a little bit, wanting to do family things etc.
But today wow. She told me she loved me and then asked if I wanted a kiss. (it's been weeks since she said this). I was taken aback and told her I loved her too and did give her a kiss as we both left for work. I hope I didn't mess this up.
As an aside it is my birthday tomorrow so I'm a little cautious about that. I plan to continue to detach by going out with friends and family for my birthday. I had made these plans weeks ago.
I could really use some advice though on what my next steps are with my wife. She hasn't specifically said that she wants to reconcile nor has she brought up the EA with the OM. Do I probe these points or do I follow as the 180 says and not bring them up?
Cadet, yes, I read the pursuit and distance article and am doing my best to follow that. I am definitely not pursuing.
I will keep my plans with my friends and family.
Any ideas on next steps with her relative to the EA with OM and/or a reconciliation talk? Do I just wait and let her bring those things up?
What if she wants more affection (kisses, hugs, holding hands)? It would feel good, but am I better off keeping distance there? Perhaps not offer my hand, or offer my hug, but if she initiates then I return?
Cadet, yes, I read the pursuit and distance article and am doing my best to follow that. I am definitely not pursuing.
Yes I agree, you have distanced yourself and you now got her pursuing. That is the dynamic that you want. I am sure if you pursue her she will distance herself from you. I like using the following analogy. Think like you are feeding a squirrel. Hold out your hand with a nut and let her eat from your hand. No sudden movements towards or away. She needs to feel comfortable eating out of your hand.
Last night after taking the girls to a play and putting them to bed, I did some work and then turned a video on. After hearing the music wife came in wondering what I was watching and sat down with me. I took this as a good sign. No I love you's last night, just polite goodnights.
Today is my birthday so it's a weird day. Wife wished me happy birthday. Then later told me she loved me (once) and again asked if I wanted a kiss. I said to her "do you want to give me a kiss?" She sort of reiterated with "well do you want one?" To which I responded, "if you want to give me a kiss I would like one." Then she gave me a few kisses and a nice hug. When it was done I did not linger or try and "get more." We just moved on.
Did I handle this okay? Today I am heading to spend the day and night with friends and family (for my birthday). She is taking the girls to see her brother. So, I will naturally be detaching and distancing today. I plan to give my cell phone to someone else so that I am not tempted to text or anything.
Just going to comment on the niceness. Try not to take that as a good sign, it just causes you to develop expectations. Work on yourself and put the focus on you. There are tons of reasons she could be being nice to you, and you dont know if its a good or bad reason.
My W has been nice to me through most of our sitch and I would always think things were getting better in the back of my mind. It just made things that much harder when I discovered something that indicated it wasn't. The truth was she was so consumed with thoughts of the EA and OM that being nice to me justified her actions in her own head. Or so I would think if I were mindreading.
Regardless, don't take her emotions too seriously one way or another, they can be all over the place. Good reactions could me bad things, and bad reactions could mean good things. The opposite could also be true, you just never know.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
A little help on the kiss thing. Yesterday it was really nice when she asked me if I wanted a kiss. Today I feel a little different. By her asking me if I want a kiss, it puts me in a spot of deciding. That doesn't seem right.
I was thinking of telling her the next time she asks if I want a kiss (if that happens), "You don't have to ask me if I want a kiss. If you would like to give me a kiss, it is always welcome." Or something like that.
A combination of journaling and looking for support tonight. If you’ve been reading my posts you know I was shocked a couple of ways ago when my WW told me she loved me. For the past few days prior to that there was a different look about her, like a bit of vulnerability had inched back. That was Friday. Yesterday was my birthday, I had previously planned to spend it with family and friends, which I did (out of town) and she took the D’s to her brothers.
We both got back late Sunday afternoon and it has been a tough night. No affection from her. Some of that iciness is back. I’m doing my best to keep up with my 180’s but my anxiety is so high. I really have to fake feeling good and confident tonight. I haven’t had this much anxiety in several weeks. Having read articles that Cadet posted including LBH post by Sandi2, I know that I shouldn’t be surprised by my WW swing in moods, emotions and affection. But tonight is just really hard.
I’m doing my best to maintain distance, try to make her the pursuer, but today I can tell she is really resisting. Tonight we went through our calendar for the week (to figure out work schedules and drop off/pick up of our daughters at school.) I mentioned that I wanted to hang out with a friend one night (I already go to a support group on another night) and she was upset because she wants to hang out with a friend. I told her to just schedule her night with her friend and I would schedule a different night so that one of us is always home with our D’s. It’s complicated to completely detach and GAL with children and now I feel like she is beginning to resent my attempts to do so and just a couple of days ago she was acting so different.
Cadet mentioned the squirrel analogy and that I should make “any sudden movements.” I haven’t, I’ve stuck to exactly what seemed to be working, but at least today she’s not creeping any closer. Is there another strategy I need to try? I really need a little help and support tonight.
