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#2561191 04/26/15 08:15 PM
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Hi Everyone,

Glad to have found this place, I've been lurking for a bit but will post my story and probably beg for advice.

Me - 39
Her - 36
M - 3 years
T - 5 (two break ups prior)
No Kids
Separated Jan 10, 2015
No Divorce talk yet - she needs to come from a place of strength before making that decision.

Long story short, my wife left in early January after what I thought was a great holiday, our third anniversary, and a wonderful NYE together. As of now I don't believe there is an OM, the couple she stayed with when she left were of high integrity and wouldn't have allowed it. She is also of high integrity and has said repeatedly that it's not about someone else.

It quickly went from "I need the weekend to figure some stuff out" to "we're going our separate ways" to her ditching her ring, and going by her maiden name within two weeks. I stayed in our house but had to move out quickly due to the rental situation.

Now we've gotten to where she's living an hour away, and I am down in Central America for two months surfing and breathing.

On the day I left, she held my hand, kissed me goodbye, told me she hopes that there can be reconciliation at some point, but also asked me to completely let her go.

It's all very confusing but makes a bit more sense after coming on here and reading other people's stories.

A bit of history:

We had dated during grad school, but only after both getting out of other LTR's, she called it off. We then spent the next year as platonic study partners but spending long days together, and even traveling together for school.

We would run into each other in odd places a few times a year after that, dated again, and she called it off siting "I don't have any feelings for you." After running into each other again months later and me telling her that I would walk her down the isle of her own wedding as long as we could keep each other in our lives, she said she opened up to me.

I have many abandonment issues from my own past coupled with the fact that when we finally did get together I was trying to proceed with three separate start up companies, and more stress than I had ever experienced before. This was all funded with tons of caffeine during the day, then lots of marijuana and alcohol to get to sleep at night. I was not present for much of our marriage truthfully, especially at the beginning when insomnia, high stress, and financial pressures were ever present.

Our rocky past coupled with a serious (life threatening IMO) illness that she had when we did get together kicked all of my abandonment issues into high gear and had me keeping her at a distance throughout our marriage. We would have to begin relationship talks with her reassuring me that she wasn't leaving. Until the last one!

She came from a troubled family as well with a mother that is bi-polar and now borderline homeless. Thus my W is hyper independent and determined to make her own way in the world. Having come straight from a relationship in which she was cheated on three weeks after moving across the country, all of my distance was viewed as me having something on the side (I did not). Thus she kept her distance as well. The more she kept her distance emotionally the more I thought she would be leaving and the cycle continued.

My work was local, consuming, and exhausting. After 5 years of it (this past year) I was as burnt out as I've ever been and also knowing that my lifestyle was not sustainable. My W worked in the city she now lives in (90 min away) and this always presented an issue for me as it was exhausting for her as well. She would spend weekends on the couch recovering form working two days a week - two 15 hour days. I would beg for her to ingrain herself in our own community and stop working in this manner. This was not seen positively by her.

I often describe our lives together as - like peanut butter and jelly from the diaphragm up but oil and water below that. Our daily lives were beautiful and we took great care of each other. We're both health practitioners, givers, and would spend our evenings on the couch massaging each other, cooking great meals for each other, and laughing more than we ever had with anyone else. People would comment to us in restaurants and in public that they had never seen a couple so in love. Truly I think we were.

However, our level of emotional intimacy was not up to par. This was something that she brought up but I didn't recognize or couldn't see. I figured that since the day to day was so easy the intimacy was there. Her view was that I needed to be 100% open and available and vulnerable for her to trust me, my pattern is to keep things to myself until I have them figured out or just keep them to myself as I intellectualize better than emotionalize! (I was raised by an engineer) I was also terrified to drop into anything deeper and share myself due to my own abandonment fears. If I were vulnerable and open, I thought she'd leave me again.

Last year was an extremely hard one for us with a miscarriage, the death of a good friend of mine, the failing of one of my companies (blessing in hindsight), and us growing apart. It seemed to me that we pulled everything together mid year after a big blow up and an 8-hour heart to heart but apparently the damage was done.

The last 4 month of the year consisted of hand to hand walks, hikes, meditating together, great sex, nightly massages and me taking over as the house chef. Thus my surprise in January when the plug was pulled.

I should caveat that by saying that earlier in the year I had a feeling that she would be leaving. For years she had talked about starting a new business that was based online. I was 110% supportive, talked to her about buying equipment, brainstormed ideas with her and more. For some odd reason I felt that she would have to leave me before starting, not sure where that came from but it hit me in a meditation. Truth be told, she left on a Saturday and that Monday morning launched the business. So on some level I think I knew this was an option but was either too terrified to address it or too checked out to acknowledge it.

Like everyone else has posted on here, it's been an emotional roller coaster since. As posted, I'm out of the country taking some time for myself, GAL'ing, and focusing on what makes me happy and rebuilding myself. I've been seeing a C since the day she left as well as having stayed completely sober (today is day 99). We agreed to no contact while I was down here and have stuck to that.

By the end of our marriage I had stopped 90% of the activities that make me happy, and was not healthy. I was definitely dependent upon my W for my happiness and this was smothering her. Admittedly I was a mess. My pot smoking was up, my drinking was up and I was not happy at all.

Thanks for listening, I look forward to sharing all of this with you all and hopefully being of service as well.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2561200 04/26/15 08:34 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2561204 04/26/15 08:44 PM
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Thanks Cadet. I spent Friday reading the links you've posted.

Unfortunately I can't get a hold of the books where I'm at. I actually don't have an address nor does anyone else out here. I've even asked at the hotels in the area and they just laugh.

Am breathing and following all other instructions.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2561207 04/26/15 08:48 PM
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How about a library?

You can read chapter one with the links above.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2561213 04/26/15 08:54 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
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Can you have the book shipped to your hotel?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2561216 04/26/15 08:59 PM
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Thanks you two, but I'm literally living in a hut out in the dirt. It's hard to explain but there are no addresses here. There is no mail. I'm in BFE. Unless I find someone who is coming down here and have the book mailed to them first, I can't get it. It's a 90 minute bus ride (retired American school bus) to get groceries. One of the guys down here needed a prescription for diabetes and he was told to that the easiest way to get something was to fly to Miami. I scoured the net for a digital copy but can't find it anywhere.

Prior to me coming I had strangers ask if I would mind bringing down a credit card were having replaced, a prescription to be filled and whatnot.

I'm living in a fishing village that has one small hotel. Were it not for the waves here this place wouldn't even exist on a map.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Cadet #2561220 04/26/15 09:12 PM
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Thanks Cadet, I read it. I spent about 12 hours on here on Friday.

I'm kicking myself for some of the stuff I did before I left but am also thankful for a lot of the ways that I acted.

I appreciate all the advice you've all given on other threads, I've been reading up a storm.

One of the major breakthroughs I had a few days ago was realizing that my marriage as I know it is completely dead. That led to a big breakdown, and lots of sobbing, but has also been liberating in other ways.

My whole time down here is about journaling, (98 pages in 3 weeks), surfing, and figuring out what makes me happy as a man as opposed to as a married man. It's been a great trip so far, but also extremely hard. Eye opening to say the least.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2561221 04/26/15 09:16 PM
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So what prompted you to start posting?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2561223 04/26/15 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
So what prompted you to start posting?


That's actually a good question. From what I read on other threads, it helped to get people's input on what to work on, and focus on. But you're right, I'm out of action for a while, but still have questions about what to do when I get back and even how to manage myself while I'm down here.

Plus, I need support. My friends and family have all said the same thing - she left, forget about her and move on. But I don't want to. I made a commitment and want to stick to it. No one seems to understand that.

I'm dealing with the odd paradox that we all are of trying to keep a little bit of hope but also understanding that in order to truly become healthy, I need to detach.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2561228 04/26/15 09:45 PM
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Posts: 3,500
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what is the general theme of your 98 pages of posting?

Out of curiosity, why on earth did three simultaneous start-ups seem like a good idea?

What are you like? Greatest strengths? Greatest weaknesses? That sort of thing.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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