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Zues, I love reading your posts. You have such a great way of putting things. Reading your posts has helped me in my journey. Thank You.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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Latest iTunes down load 'Don't want to miss a thing' Aerosmith. Not even his genre of music. I am reading far too much here. I am hurting so much thinking it is for the OW. A message for me? Mind reading and wishful thinking! :-(


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Originally Posted By: Smothy
Thank you, Bob723.

Last time I spoke to Laurie, my DB coach, she advised I should try to instigate an upbeat conversation. However, there has been some changes since she gave me this advice. H has now removed me from FB and said he no longer wants to go to the concert or holiday together as it was not the right thing to do. These were still in the pipeline and advice related to the these.

We booked them in October. Ironically, to help us reconnect, when I come back, after my contract ends.

Conversation with H does not always end well as I try to find out whether he is seeing OW, dating etc. I even put it on a post it note not to ask and I still can not STFU about it :-(
Hi Smothy,

You're welcome. I have not worked with Laurie, but like all the DB coaches, I have heard she is really good! But you noted that things have changed since you spoke with Laurie. H removing you from his FB is most likely to see if he gets a reaction out of you.

I am still trying to DB my marriage and am not an expert but my gut instinct, especially after your reply to me, is to not speak with H for a while.

I also liked Pyrite's advice!

I understand about bringing up things you have written down not to discuss. I have done that as well. Don't worry, all is not lost yet. grin

Take care.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Good points Zeus, i want to come back to this


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Originally Posted By: Zues126

Instead I recommend a narrative in which you see yourself as a wonderful human with flaws. One that deserves to be treated with respect. One that deserves a loving and committed partner, a partner that won't abandon them or script them as the bad guy. But also one that has made mistakes, that can forgive their WAS for their mistakes, one that has room and need to grow. And part of that growth is telling ourselves a balanced and effective story of who we are, how we got here, and how we will move forward. And part of that growth is letting go of your WAS's control over your view of your reality.

That is how we achieve detachment, feelings of self worth, acceptance, yet still grow from our experiences. That's all we can do. Whether someone else values what we offer or not, don't let that for a second dictate that your self worth.

In fact, oftentimes it was our inability to value ourselves and our dependence on our partner to show us their love to make up for our own inner self loathing that put such a strain on the M. So taking control of your own self care is often the biggest area of self growth to focus on. Most of the controlling, abusive, addictive behavior stems from our inability to find value in who we are, so we have to control our partners to act in a way that makes us feel better, or to medicate somehow to avoid those bad feelings.

How do you learn self care when you've looked to someone else to take care of you for so long? That's why I keep referring people to my old threads. It's been something I've been working on for 10 months now. I'm not "all better", I'm not the H only a fool would leave. But I've come a heck of a long ways and feel better about who I am. This makes my life more enjoyable, and I know it would take a lot of pressure off my partner if I were in an M.


That's amazingly helpful. Thank you!


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Smothy,

one thing that has occurred to me on the way to my IC this morning, amidst thinking about finding a new therapist:

Although there are definitely prescribed "steps". I dont believe they are so distinct and mutually exclusive. So you do a bit of work on detaching, you find out a bit about yourself, you make an effort to "work" on this, etc and then you find you are not as detached as you need to be, or thought you were, and so it is back to detaching again.

A lot of us here are here because of the same reason. We are control freaks. Break ups I think are monumentally harder for us to deal with BECAUSE we are control freaks. So this is what we really NEED to change so that we can be that better person that might even attract our Ss back. At least give us a better life. So dont be too hard on yourself. You are fighting this thing with the tools you know. Understandable, so do I. I suppose the trick is to note when you are using these tools, 180, and try another tool or approach. In a sense, every step is part of the same image.

Sorry, holography reference - You know holograms right. Once recorded (like a photo) IN a piece of glass (or whatever) to recreate that 3D image in "space", all you need to do is shine a laser at that glass. IF you smash the glass into a thousand pieces, anyone of those parts is enough recreate the image in full. Just a dimmer image. So each step is the same, part of creating the same image, just you need to do a thousand steps to get the image in its full intensity. So every little achievement is not just in the right "direction". My stepfather quoted me months ago "Happiness is not a destination. It is a journey". So I suppose in terms of my hologram I suppose this like putting the pieces together is the achievement. The image on the other end is just there.


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Smothy,
Ditch the iTunes account. set up your own. copy libraries etc. it isn't like an apple ID is going to make or break your marriage at this point. Besides he might become curious about what you are doing.

happy to be over-ridden here by others advice.

-Py

PS. The downloads are all about you. they are all bout OW. they are everything in between I reckon I know as much as you do here. Nothing. SO lets not waste our energy on this. Lets move forward.


M: 6 T: 12
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Originally Posted By: Zeus
And...years after the D, will they admit that they were wrong, that they had some ownership of the issues in the M, that the M could've been saved for a better outcome for the entire family? While it's possible, it's also very likely that they won't, because in their mind they will sense that it is too late and that would only make them feel bad. Bad about themselves, and bad about what they've done. So it's likely their narrative will continue that they did what was best, and that the happiness they find in their lives is due to their decisions, and the grief is still due to the LBS.


One quote at a time - gotta run.
You are right. I am not hung up on this anymore. I have actually moved on from "caring" about her narrative. At least in the sense of it affecting my own narrative.

I was concerned about mutual friends - but they will all make up their own minds. A lot already have. "Toxic?" they say, but we've lived on a yacht with you for weeks - "where was the toxicity?".

Also my girls. My parents D 20+ years ago. They both have different narratives. for me and my sister it is just the way it is. Actually we know what really did happen, we were there and young adults. My Mum was in effect the LBS and guess what - she has always been "right". Or rather, Dad has always been in denial - since day one unable/unwilling to see past the fog in his own interpretation of things. BTW he is also the one responsible for MY screwed up ego development. Thanks Dad.


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