Ive been travelling for work and only had phone, so been difficult replying. Yes been reading the links, has opened my eyes. I am a nice guy but I am not walked over (i thought). My W is someone who never says stands up for her side of a disscussion (in relationship), if anyone does not agree with her she shuts down and takes all that resentment to heart, and keeps it there. She never lets that go.
I want the marriage to much as you say and she knows that, gives her great power. I have started to change, few 180s but V difficult initialy not to slip back and or look aggresive (another trait she has now added to my list
Some 180s, not replying to texts, trying to walk away when she is baiting me, when she comes to me all needy asking for reassurance (do i look good in this...) I just say "what do you think" Told W spare room for her, No bed just matress on floor, i didnt help. Im not cooking, apart from when its just me and the children. going out with friends and back to Athletics club.
I have seen her anger come out from the above.so it must be doing something.
I was told the A was just friends...blah blah,,, and wanted to believe. second time around, im growing some balls. Its 10 days since I found the A was still going on, but im trying and reading and trying not to come across as controlling. (which most of my 180s she adds to the list of "Stuarts issues")
Was thinking of phone coaching, when I am back, but international number seems not correct.
While I am away what else can I do, any tips. do not text at all, but then Im sure she will get Kids to Skype or something...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
what is the balance of 180s eg before: texting whilst away 10 times a day to now just 1 text as a reply, is that a 180 or seen as control (i bet its seen as control but isnt eveything)
Can I revisit this - "responsible for making happy" theme?
I think we all have a responsibility not to cause unhappiness for our spouses. By this I mean we know of examples where partners have been critical, angry, negative and so on. And I think these things cause unhappiness in the recipient.
So, I think there's a responsibility not to cause unhappiness for others in such ways. But I think the primary responsibility for happiness lies within ourselves. But it would be difficult to be happy with an angry, critical, negative partner if you see what I mean.
However, if you have a partner who is generally pretty nice, and 'good enough' and you are unhappy within yourself, that may well be more yours to fix."
____________________________________
THE LAST PARAGRAPH IS MY W, SHE IS TOTALY UNHAPPY WITHIN HERSELF, this came out at joint counseling, she never has been from a very early age, she is highly intelligent, abused by family member when young, abusive 1st serious relationship when teenager and Annorexia and Bulimea, all seem to have lead to a crohnic insecurity about who she is.....
I believe this is main cause, NOT ME. But yes I can admit that I did not handle things well as I tried to show love through Direction, My thoughts and my direction imposed on her and how she should be. I didnt know I was doing this until pointed out. Problem with being a fixer.
It appears that you are pretty insightful given its so early on. Like I said, your description sound so much like my WW. I didn't even realize that when there was any conflict that my WW would back down and hold resentment. I figured that we had reached a compromise, but she felt otherwise; but didn't tell me. The first I saw this come out was during BD when issues from the past came up that I never thought were big deals.
In saying all of this, you realize that you can only do what you can and WW needs to figure this out herself. It probably will get worse before it gets better as WW tries to reconcile her feelings. For me, it's been almost 9 months and WW I believe is still trying to hold onto an A that didn't work out (he never left his GF) trying to mask introspection with blaming MCS. However, I see the less and less she can blame me, the more upset she has gotten. With her friends, with me, With the kids. I think this is the same avoidance she had in our M, it's Now just between her and herself.
It's going to be a long road. Hang in there
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I have the book to read through soon. Funny thing is that I have seen how easy it is to have an affair, as all I have done is stopped the very clear I am married and happy, to I may be interested when chatting with (eg mums at the school gate) I just look a little longer into their eyes and its amaizing how responsive they are. Not that I ever will.
It just shows me how if you want it, its there, and it doesnt realy mean anything as it just seems empty. I feel more and more sorry for my W, as Im sure she will not be happy, but I feel I have seen the light and am working very hard on ME :-)
MCS, some of the things you mentioned above remind me of my H. I have always thought he was just easy going. Turns out he was harbouring resentments, but never said and just let them build up. He has also been in an A with an OP who never actually left her OM for him...
Stuart, sounds like you are off to a good start - but strap yourself in for a long and bumpy ride my friend. Make the most of it and you'll come out of the other end wiser and happier, regardless of what your W may be doing.
Take care :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
