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My W filed first. I discovered the A after she filed. She assured me it was an EA. It was a PA. Talks of marriage, OM being a good step father. Her finally getting a job after years of not working and being a STHM.

You can't really do much at this point. You have to focus on yourself because focusing on her will just push her away.

I've made plenty of mistakes. What works is GAL, move on, drop the rope, let her go, etc.

It [censored] and it hurts. Eventually it will hurt less. You'll realize it and it's like a light bulb just turned on in a dark room. She may come along and turn off the light, give you some hope of R. Do your best to keep the road paved if you want. Eventually, you really won't care if the road is paved (or so I hear).

I'm not there yet. I have finally realized that I can't do anything to change her or make her see she's making a mistake. Maybe she's not. She may doing what she needs to be happy. I can only learn from this, become a better person, a better father. I can be someone that it's hung up on someone else.

Keep focused on DB and DR. Sandi's rules and posts are worth reading a thousand times. The vets here are awesome. Many of the new comers are awesome. Keep reading and learning.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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Quote:
You make it sound like the divorce is enevitable at this point and I just need to accept well be divorced and move on


That's not what I said. I was trying to tell you how it's seen from her point of view. She believes she is done with you & the M. She doesn't care that you don't want a D. She no longer cares what you want, how you feel, or what your conditions would be to stay in the M. All she cares about is being legally freed from the M.

If you tell her you won't live in an open M, after she's already filed for D.......she figures "who cares". I mean, if she hasn't asked what it would take to work things out, and she is already in process of divorcing you........how do you think that particular pronouncement is effective now? If she doesn't honor it, how will you respond?

I must have missed something. I was going through the thread quickly. I did not see where you stated a boundary to her. I saw where you seemed anxious to use the "speech", as you called it. What you need to understand is repeating the same thing or even stating boundaries does not fix the problem. Many guys think once they say something (like a boundary) it should have positive results. Sometimes it does, and sometimes she will test it to see what you'll do. A lot of WW's would tell you to hit the door if you don't like it. Know what I mean? It is just like dealing with a very rebellious teenager.

So anyway, what do you plan to do when she continues having an A while living with you? If you have actually said it, how will you back it up? The WW will respect one thing, and that's the man who won't be treated disrespectfully. That is why it is so important to show strength in what you say and how you act.

I am not trying to upset you, and I am not saying divorce is enevitable. It is going to be extremely difficult living with her b/c most WW's do not respect the H enough to honor his boundaries. In her opinion, talk is cheap. Therefore, you have to have a plan of action if your boundary is not honored. Don't misunderstand, I am a firm believer in having boundaries. I also believe they are useless if not enforced when disrespected.

She has lied, deceived, and cheated her way through the M. She has a H who loved her and wanted to give her the benefit of doubt when she continued to disrespect him. Unfortunately, she does not appreciate it.

Let me ask you something. Considering the woman she has become, are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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My boundary was that I could not be her friend and all of our conversations would have to revolve around the boys. As long as she disrespects me by having the affair and there being another man, I won't interact like we're ok. Based on my thread that was the action 3-4 vets had given me. My actions are to gal and leave her alone - easier said then done.

Right now I'm hurting and do want a chance to see if we would be able to work through the past hurt as we never did three years ago when we got back together. How she is right now is not the woman or what I want for the rest of my life, no. But like you said, once/if the affair ends and she respects me and notices changes, she could come back and marriages can survive affairs. Could that happen for us? I'm not sure, but right now, I'd like to try.

So knowing all of this, sandi anything else you think I can do? I realize my words or times to talk are done now. There's no point in anything else, just action.


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Let me ask you something. Considering the woman she has become, are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?
Hi Rip,

Sandi has offered some great advice (as always!) and I can relate to your struggles. Sandi asked an intersting question at the end of her last post.

Many people, in my life, and a few on this forum, have asked me the same thing about my WW. Although there is no OM involved, she has become very deceitful. She opened a bank acct last May in the state where she lives now with her mom/stepdad. I found out about it in August because my WW sent a text meant for her Mom to me! When I confronted her about it (calmly) she said it was an account for "funny money" for her and one of her sisters. I didn't believe her and asked if things were okay between us, suggested counseling, etc. She said everything was "fine." The kicker--she tried to hide the acct from her own lawyer and the court. I still had the text and sent a screen shot to my lawyer. Eventually, she said it was opened in Sept--not true, obviously. Eventually, the truth came out. She's lucky--she could've been held in contempt of court.

Why am I going on and on here about my sitch? We all have to think about how things will be different IF you are to reconcile. I know my WW felt isolated because she has MS and I would not buy another car after she totaled hers in July 2013. I was so worried about her safety, I got over-prtective. Since I've gone to therapy, my therapist has gotten me to see it from her side about feeling isolated. But my therapist also says my WW has many attributes that are not helpful in a marriage and feels she is a taker and I am a giver and a "good guy." Then why am I in this mess?

I am not giving up on my W or our M yet. I still feel my WW has a warm heart and got very depressed over being stuck in the house a lot. So, I'm doing my best to keep with the DB principles.

Do your best to take things slowly.

Take care, Rip!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
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Thanks. Right now I look at ww as an addict. She is addicted to her affair and the high it gives her. Nothing will change right now. She needs to hit rock bottom before she'll even think about help or change. How will I react if what feels like an unrealistic dream happens and she turns toward me, ends the affair and wants to work us? Not sure but again right now I want to try.

I don't 100% blame myself anymore. She chose to have the affair. I take responsibilities for the things I could have done differently in the relationship as I listed a little earlier. But she had choice and things she can do differently too.

Also right now I'm rarely angry wih her. It definitely comes when I picture her and om, but mostly I feel sorry for her. Sorry for her hurt and that she's addicted and blocking others out like family who she knows wouldn't support it.


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
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She has lied, cheated, committed deception and disrespected me. I by know means justify or disregard this. However in the state she's in, how would I expect differently? Especially as sandi and others outlined her behavior before it happened.


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Rip,

I think you have a good attitude about your situation and some excellent points.

Hang in there and keep working on DB'ing if that's what you want.

You are stronger than you probably realize. wink

Regards,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
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Thanks bob. I'm trying. I really appreciate u and all the vets chiming in and offering support and advice. This forum has been so helpful!


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
My boundary was that I could not be her friend and all of our conversations would have to revolve around the boys. As long as she disrespects me by having the affair and there being another man, I won't interact like we're ok.


You said you told her you would not live in an open M. Now you saying something else. Which way did you tell her exactly?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
My boundary was that I could not be her friend and all of our conversations would have to revolve around the boys. As long as she disrespects me by having the affair and there being another man, I won't interact like we're ok.

You said you told her you would not live in an open M. Now you saying something else. Which way did you tell her exactly?
Hi Rip,

You are most welcome. I just read your post and had the same question as Sandi.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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