It never registers with her and she acts like it's the first time she hears it. I swear I have said it 50 times. But I guess I will have to say it forever for her to believe it.
What gives?
She may never believe it, just something you have to accept.
She may not be able to justify in her own mind the decisions shes making if she suddenly doesn't have your faults to focus on anymore. It becomes a lot harder to have an affair and D your spouse if you discover the reasons you based your decisions on aren't valid.
It may just be easier for her to hold onto that anger than face whats happening. She still wants the A, so shes willing to do/think anything to keep it.
Hi HeavyD,
Although my W is not having an A (as far as I know) I have been thru the same thing with my WAW. She mentions things that we've gone over time and again and I've taken full responsibility for...yet she acts like it's the first time she's heard it every time.
I think Fogg really nailed it with this comment: "It may just be easier for her to hold onto that anger than face whats happening."
Don't give up HeavyD.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You're welcome HeavyD! Nice hearing back from you.
Hang tough as well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So since early last week I have had a handwritten letter, two texts, one coffee beak face to face, one where she didn't actualy get ip an run away, and one unsolicted visit from kids at work brought to me and one visit at the house "to pick up shoes" for my son
As I mentioned before I just listned and validated and said a lot of "I hear you's and that must be hard" type statements.
She stated she felt worthless, cried a lot, said she never wanted to hurt me, said she never saw this coming, hit her hard, wants us to Divorce but be best friends and raise our kids. She wanted us to have each others'a backs and be supportive of each other and proud of each others accomplisments. Again, I just sat there and nodded and looked at her compassonately.
I feel like a complete piece of Cr$p because I just can't do this. She has comletely broken me and my life that I have a really hard just being around her and her lies. I know about her lies becuase she left her email account open and said the worst things about me and our marriage. I have since closed the portal because it was only hurting me more.
I really do believe she was crying so hard becuase I have hired a lawyer. "Why did you do that" she asked? I said "because I didn't feel comfortable with the medition process." She wrote the lawer ths rambling email that are full of lies, easily disproved and the lawyer and I both feel good about the case.
She also blubered about having lost her best friend who said has been able to talk to about everything for the past 19 years and now I am gone from her life. "I said, yes that hard".
WTH am I supposed to do, be her friend? raise these chilren with her, play happy family while she does her own thing, bascially an open marriage? I don't want an open marriage, and have no called on her one time to help with the kids. It blows but I at at my wits ends. I am cordial but distant and don't get into an arguments with her. That is pointless.
Is my best best to try to rebuild a friendship without any trust that it would be the best thing for any chance of her changing her mind about this D? And of coure beingin the best interestof the kids. If I keep up my distance does this drive her further away? Right now the kids are OK dong their week with me and week with her.
Maybe I will evolve into a bitter old woman who cant get past the betrayal.
On other news GAL plans include dinner with friend tonight.
Heavy D. I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem further in your journey than I. My w finally confessed to the affair and told me she filed for divorce Tuesday. So, I'm still trying to sort how to stay distant while in the same house while this is all fresh. She's not initiating or wanting to come to me yet. Maybe that will come with time, maybe not.
One of the things sandi and starkly continue to mention is respect. A friend wouldn't have committed an affair, lied and disrespected you like that. How can u have a friendship without trust?
You're one of the few people I see who is trying to actively db when the ww has already filed and still doing the affair. That seems to be harder, but I'm not sure.
Just keep hanging in there, it has to get better. If you really want a friendship with her or more, that can come with time. After time is able to rebuild trust and overcome past hurt.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Heavy, her wanting to be your friend is to ease her guilt and minimize what she is losing. She wants the best of both worlds. The other person AND you. Nothing says you have to be her friend, and nothing says you have to promise to be her friend. Your best bet is to continue the path you are on. Keep your distance, minimal contact, and keep your communication the same as you have. You can already see it is having an effect on her. Others posted correctly. You cannot be friends if there is no respect, and you cannot be friends if there is no trust. Both of those can be earned back in time. But not just by shedding a few puppy tears and her telling you what SHE wants. She needs to understand that her actions and the path she has chosen means she does not get to have you. Her path has her with the other person. So your job is to have a PMA, and let her see that you are ok with your life. GAL, show her you are moving on. Part of pulling them out of the fog is to have them realize what they are losing.
Keep up the good work. You seem to be doing pretty well with how you are handling this difficult situation.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
After thinking this through, and with the help of the books and the members of the board, here are my actions:
1). I have cut off all contact except here kids are concerned 2). I don't reply to her texts, emails, phone calls, etc... except where kids are concerned. Unless it is a emergency I don't reply immediately. 3). I am polite, but distant, and don't ask her any questions at all about what she is doing. I don't judge or blame her or guilt her for any of her decisions. 4). I don't try to fix her or any of her self imposed crisis. 5). I am doing a lot better listening, not agreeing but just listening and mirroring back what I hear. 6). I am continuing with the D process with my own lawyer instead of the mediator BS. 7). I do not reacted to button pushing. 8). I am doing my own thing, making new friends, reacquainting myself with old hobbies, fixing up things at the house, joined a gym, joined a support group, have an IC, and invite a lot of friends to the houes. I also host a lot of sleep overs and trampoline play dates for the week I have my kids. 9). I do not contact any of her friends or family or check facebook etc... When I do run into her friends, I just smile and say hello and keep walking.
It seems that after all of this has happened (Sept 2014) that the only thing that really "works" is non pursuit. For months and months I tried, to get her attention, show her how hurt I was, guilt her into feeling bad about blowing up our family, tried to convince her to "get help", talked to her family and friends, etc...
By not contacting her or pursuing her at all is the only thing that gets attention and/or respect. I have people walk all over me for the past few years and it is obvious this garners no respect me. Looking back, it was a gradual process and got worse over the years.
I am not pursuing because it breaks my free fall of uncontrolled emotional swings and threatens my stability, and it demonstates I am moving on with my life. I feel better about myself and it has changed how I see others and her. I see her as she really is, not what I thought she was. I didn't let her be herself and always tried to fix her and her problems. I always went to her for my problems and didn't work on them myself. I guess another word for that is codependency. I placed my value on how she treated me.
So, regardless of outcome of the situation, I am keeping on and will continue to monitor the results. I am learning a lot about me and relationships in general. You know what is funny, the more she cried about how worthless she feels and how badly she feels about not being able to talk to me "the one person she could count on for 19 years" and for feeing bad for hurting me, she never once offers to stop seeing her AP.
As she seems to resolute in this D, so be it, but my next R will be great if I choose to get into one, great because I am a good catch (sorry to sound boastful). I have a wonderful career, have a good support structure, treat the people that I let into my life with love and care and respect, freely admit my many flaws and try to learn from them and improve myself.
Heavy d that's awesome! That's exactly where I am now or should I say trying to be. You're 100% correct, you are a great catch and its apparent you've done a lot of work. Like many have said and I am experiencing as long as the affair is going on there's nothing u can do to shake her from it.
Just have to keep db, gal, lrt and see what happens. In that time u may feel u don't want her back anyway and deserve more - who knows. But u are clearly workin on u and seeing results. Way to go!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I think that W crying to you and getting emotional is the first stage in looking inward. That is a very good sign. What you've been doing is WORKING.
I wouldn't rebuild a friendship with W just yet. Not the right time to do so. Keep going what you've been doing by staying dark, GALing, and being cordial to W.
Stay the course.
If I keep up my distance does this drive her further away?
No. It is removing yourself from the scene and it's causing her to look at herself. Thinking WTF? Here is Heavy over there with the kiddos and here I am messing around with the OW. I am starting to miss the essence of Heavy.
Keep going. She's like the curious person who wants to come over and check out your play area.
Trust me...she will test you from time to time. Don't fall for the bait or even lick it.
Hi Heavy, just caught up on your sitch last few days. It does seem to me that things are shifting somewhat and that you have become more powerful within the sitch. Your W does seem to be feeling some regret and reaching out a little, acknowledging some responsibility. As Wonka says, I would carry on as you are because there is certainly a shift in a good way.
I seem to recall you posting that things were rocky with OW. Maybe this has contributed...the grass isn't greener.
I think that convo where your W cried and you just validated was spot on, and you should carry on with more of the same until/unless she is prostrate, on her knees and desperate for you to be her W again.
Go Heavy!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
