Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
Ripken - this sounds so familiar to my situation. I can identify with all the things you just listed. While I don't think my wife is in a PA, we've been separated all week, so, who knows. Either way, you gain nothing by chasing. So relax. Focus on you and the boys and be patient.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I'm trying to catch up on your thread. I had to stop to address this when you said you weren't sure your W was wayward.

This woman is a serial cheater!! You took her back with no conditions or reconciliation plan in place. She never had to deal with consequences of her bad behavior and did not have to work at rebuilding a relationship with you. She did not have to be accountable for her actions, time, or whereabouts. Wasn't long until she was staying out till 2:00 am and making up excuses to spend the night away from home. This is a married woman and a mother of two boys. Yet, you think she's not wayward b/c you aren't sure she's in an A. Trust me, she is wayward! She does not have to be in an A to qualify for waywardness.

Whose decision was it to sleep in separate rooms? What are you wishing to resolve, if she's in no A, and you can't even see she's living contrary to the values, standards, morals, etc., that you thought you both shared. What's the plan? Wait it out? Wait what out?

Then I read this post and I have to stop again to comment.

Quote:
Update. She said when I first asked her that she did it and then was going to put the money back as soon as it was deposited but once she put it through she couldn't take it back. Ultimately she said that she's at a point where she cares but she really doesn't care. Said that she can't trust me at all and needs to protect herself. Told her she should have her account and keep the money if it helps her feels safe. Asked her if there was anything I could do to help her feel more safe and she shrugged it off. Said that its great that I say I've changed but she can't trust it and said that realization [censored] because she's been burned too many times by me. Said she has no ill will towards me but can't trust me. Told I appreciated her saying that and I understood. Also said I hope over time my actions not my words will build some of that back up to where she doesn't feel she has to lie or hide things from me. Then we talked about other general things. No yelling and she never said she was done or wanting to move out or bringing up divorce which I would have thought would have been the time to do so. She seemed a little upset but really more indifferent. Not sure what to do from here or what to think. Help!


The WW has a unique ability to shift truth, blame, guilt, accountability & responsibility onto the H. They use this to use for their own advantage. The above quote is a prime example. Didn't you say you would not tolerate lies? Yet, she lied......and more. She turns this whole incident around and says she doesn't feel she can trust you........and she has to protect herself b/c she doesn't feel safe with you. Then amazingly, you fall right into step with her reasons and decide you must do whatever you can to make her feel safe........with money, and you need to earn her trust. sick

You have the shoes on the wrong feet. She is the one who broke trust in the M and continues to lie and be underhanded. Does she have to face any consequences for her actions? Doesn't appear so.

Don't be a fool. She is playing you for a sucker. The WW will not appreciate how hard you are working out in the gym, or how much you contribute to the house chores, how often you keep the kids while she goes off to play, or how faithful you remain to your vows. A WW is wrapped up in herself and everything else comes last.

You must change the dynamics greatly. That is the only chance you have to get her really back all the way.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
R
Ripken8 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
Also can use help. Today she's acting like (maybe is not a mind reader) that she's in a good mood. Anyway she's been doing and folding my laundry. Told her she didn't need to, baked cookies and offered me some, didn't have any and then told me she was making dinner and offered me some. Told her I wasn't goig to have any.

Is this essentially what I need to do? Refuse the help or her trying to be nice. My take is when/if she asks why I can finally give her the om/no open marriage speech. Thoughts?


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
R
Ripken8 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
Ok. So she asked me to pick some things up from the store for her. Told her I wasn't going to and the. Gave he the om/no open marriage speech.

She didn't budge. Said she understood but wasn't going to stop being who she is. Told her she is free to make her own choices but I can't be her friend as disrespectful as she is being. There's nothing more I have to offer.

She then reminded me to pick up paperwork from her lawyer. Will hire and have my attorney do so Tuesday.

She said she wanted to talk and review things after paperwork. Told her I'd wait until my attorney reviews it.

Also told her I would be of of town in 2 weeks. She didn't ask questions and when she realized it was our anniversary weekend it seemed to hi her why.

She seemed a little angry/sad, but mostly indifferent. Again not a mind reader.

Now what? More of the same? Go dark, gal, etc?


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
R
Ripken8 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
Doesn't seem like she has any plans to stop the affair or missing what we have/had


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
So what did you do while everyone was having dinner?

I think you have missed the point in time to give her any speeches about you not living in an open M.

Personally, I believe you need to stop telling her you don't want a D. She gets it, okay? Truth is, she doesn't care what you want. She doesn't care that you won't live in an open M. What's your point in telling her now? She is getting a D, so giving her any conditions to a MR with you seems pretty bad timing, IMO.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Sandi,

This is the first time Rip has said the not willing to live in an open M speech to his W.

Rip,

Well done. Now you go dark and GAL.

Let your L do all the paperwork and communications on the legal stuff.

Don't do family activities with W. Focus on you and the kids.

You might want to review the Boundary and Validation Cheat Sheets for she will test you.

You might want to take a look at newpand's thread...he found his balls and spoke up to his W. Wow.

You've already said your piece, no need to bring out the same script. It's ACTIONS going forward.

-Cut off any phone plans that W has on your plan
-Get your own checking account and move all of your money there
-If W stays out after 11 am, lock all the doors
-Use the family money for kids' stuff, groceries, and the house's basic needs
-Don't pick up any paperwork from W's L...that is weak

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
R
Ripken8 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
Will do wonka. Sandi, we haven't had dinner she told me before she even started which is why I told her the speech. Right after she asked me to pick up food for her and told her no. Felt she needed to know why and my boundaries. From reading all ur posts it seemed like right thing to do.

Anything else u can offer in addition to what wonka and others have said sandi?


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
R
Ripken8 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
And sandi yes, she did file for divorce and again mention her lawyer today. However, what am I supposed to do? You make it sound like the divorce is enevitable at this point and I just need to accept well be divorced and move on.
Winka and others have advised not to stick the white flag in the ground and help her in the process.
Am I missing something? I really appreciate ur feedback. Not trying to sound condescending but I thought I did a good job


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
R
Ripken8 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 512
Also I have been studying the 37 rules daily. How we with a ww who filed for divorce do these really still apply in my sitch? She seems too far gone.

I'm second guessing everything and it's hard to believe she en has the slightest hesitation about moving on and finalizing things. Like she's not hurting


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard