No. You can't do anything to speed up the process. You can only derail it or slow it down. And the bad news is it's not a short road with steady progress and an assured outcome. It's a long, long path, with an outcome that is in doubt, and "progress" can't be measured because your WAW is on a roller coaster so unpredictable you'll never know if you're on the right path. At least not by watching her behavior.
Which is a big reason NOT to. That's the hard part- DBing is about "doing what works". But it's very hard to know what works when your WAW is in the fog. And trying to "steer" her towards the M will drive you insane, because you can't control her, and all you'll do is twine yourself with her crazy dance.
Instead you really have to let go. It's two people overboard in the ocean. You can't save her from drowning when you're still in the ocean yourself. Step one is to get in the boat yourself. This analogy isn't perfect as even once you're in the boat you can't "save" her, but then it still works in that you don't let her pull you back out!
Point is that you REALLY must let go. You have to. I know you don't want to. But she will do nothing but cause you pain and destroy your progress. Maybe you have to go through that for a few torturous months before you learn that lesson. The same way you have to rock bottom before letting go of an addiction. My challenge to you is to let go...IF YOU CAN'T LET GO OF HER WHEN IT'S BAD FOR YOU, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT HER TO LET GO OF OM WHEN (IF) IT'S BAD FOR HER??? Lead by example.
As for a "default state", what I mean is you have to take care of yourself so you feel ok when you're just alone with yourself. In the car. In line at the store. Whatever. If you have to be doing something, thinking hard about stuff, racing around, whatever...at least for me those were ways to avoid my emotions. Emotions that I didn't want to feel because they weren't very fun. That's a red flag, because it indicates that you might feel pretty bad. If so, it's only a matter of time before you backslide on your vices.
Because as I said, you can try to be a "good boy", but if you expect that to change how you feel you're wrong. It only gives you the opportunity to FEEL how you feel, so that you can CHANGE YOURSELF.
So the stopping of medication is great, it gives you a chance to see who you are. Now you can either replace that with racing and avoiding, which is just more medication...or you can sit with those bad feelings, learn where they come from, and start dealing with reality. It's not easy, but it's the only way you can meet life on life's terms and make permanent changes.
Keep posting and NEVER give up.
PS- I would recommend you read my old threads. We are on the same road.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wow Zues! Thanks for your post. Much to consider and learn from. Letting go and detaching has been the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life thus far. Equally tough will be becoming a better man, its been tough so far and I know I have a long way to go.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
The DB coach is right. And in terms of your porn use, I would have your computer blocked if you can't control yourself. Get rid of any magazines or porn items that you have at home so you're not tempted.
Again, have you ever had sex addiction therapy?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr Bond I put some new accountability software on my iPhone and Mac that will help. I will talk to my therapist again on Tues about where I'm at with this and what his thoughts are about an addiction.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
Sounds like a good plan Parker. Also, maybe think about constructive things you might do if you do feel lonely or empty, rather than turning to porn...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Great advice Toots: Right now I'm staying busy pouring into my son but someday when this crisis ends one way or the other i will need to have other things to occupy me when I'm lonely. I also do a lot of praying and that will continue.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
I've had a great week. A lot of ups and downs but to be expected I guess. Focused on myself and my son while I continue to love and respect my W from a distance and she remains in a fog, very distant from me, and unfortunately distant from my son. Meeting with Therapist and also pastor went very well this week. Also joining a Celebrate Recovery small group at my church to continue to work on permanent change and freedom from the porn and infidelity that I allowed to destroy my M, W, & control me for far to long. Staying positive!
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
It's such a hard journey. In the beginning you feel optimistic and hopeful. Then it gets hard. Fast. Signs that change is possible are few and far between. It feels like it works for everyone but not for you. Months go by. You feel like you can act normal and play the game, but deep down you're the same person and you're only kidding yourself. You're living a lie. It won't last. Negative thoughts test you. You keep waiting for the positives to come, but they just don't.
But...if you are REALLY fed up with the way your life has been...you keep on the road ANYWAY. Because you're like, "look voice of doubt, I don't know what lies ahead on this path, maybe you're right, maybe nothing...but I DAMN SURE know what lies ahead on that other road...so back off, I'll just walk down this path come what may"...
Eventually you stop looking for progress, you just keep moving. What seems like a lifetime passes. Things change around you. New job. New place to live. Seasons come and go.
Suddenly one day you look around and realize- YOU DID IT!
You're not where you thought you'd be. You're not the way you pictured yourself...but you are the person you hoped you'd turn into. Suddenly it doesn't seem so impossible, or even difficult.
It will be tough. But you CAN do this. Stay on the road and keep posting
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Is it to early to say it's getting very difficult. Especially coming to the realization last month that this change in me may very well not bring my W or M back. I think detaching and coming to that realization have made it tougher.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
You can't change when things are going well. You determine your character by how you act when things are at their worst. So this is actually a blessing, you have a chance to handle difficult emotions in a mature, healthy, and effective way.
What emotions are you dealing with? How would you have handled them in the past? What are you going to do instead?
Keep posting. We're here.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
