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Jer,

I think in reading your recent post that you've found your center in a way that allows you to really view your W with true compassion. That is a feat that not many LBSes of a MLCer can accomplish in the early stages. You have grown quite bit and I am proud of your progress.

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Thanks Cali & Wonka --

Doing my best to find & keep my center and to keep moving forward. Having the new job definitely helps in so many ways -- keeps me busy, helps me feel stronger and less vulnerable, self-esteem booster, and I know now that I've got some great money coming in on a steady basis as soon as I get my first paycheck.

Whatever is going on with W this week is not fun to watch -- but at least I am now in a place where her moods don't really affect my moods the way they did in the past. An observation -- So far, most of her "nervous breakdown" moments have lasted 1 or 2 days at best... this one has been going on now for about a week and doesn't seem to be letting up. I don't know what that means, and she isn't communicating with me beyond very basic logistics with home or kid stuff -- so I have no clue if the breakdown is the result of things going really badly (worse than previously) at work or the result of some sort of rift between her and OW or extreme stress over the financial mess she is in right now. I guess it doesn't really matter that I don't know the reason for the current nervous breakdown -- whatever the reason, I didn't cause it or break her and therefore I can fix it or her.

All I can do for her -- other than stay out of her way (and under the radar) as much as possible -- is to keep her in my prayers and let God work on her.

My next major task (for me) is the search for a new place to live... There isn't much that is appropriate (and nearby) on the market right now, but the search has already begun and I have some great support from family members with regard to helping with the search as well as some initial financial support to help with furnishing the place. I know that when the time is right -- just like with the job -- God will make this happen the way that it is all supposed to happen. :-)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Again, make sure you speak to a mortgage broker. Lending has gotten much stricter and I doubt that you can qualify for a loan with such a new job unless you have a cosigner.

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Jer2911 Offline OP
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KML -- not buying right away. Just going to rent for a while.

So W is in major monster mode this week... Spew is of epic proportions... Her perception of our entire R/M is unreal... Her perception of me is unreal... If i didn't know at better I'd swear she is possessed by a demon because this behavior and her thought process are so completely different from the person I thoughy I knew for 9.5 years.

Just need to get out of her way...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Posts: 2,538
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Jer, I know exactly what you mean by seeming possessed - they are just not like the person we knew.

The spewing eventually stops: they seem to finally run out of steam, but it can take a long while. After many years my xh no longer sees me as public enemy No 1. But it took forever, and even now, when we are in contact, I am very very careful what I say. Sad when we so much in harmony for so long.

I hope your partner comes back, but whatever happens, you will be fine.

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Thanks Bea...

I hope she comes back from this as well, but it does seem clear right now that will take a very long time. Just giving her to God at this point.

And yep -- I am going to be just fine. :-)

(Actually that might be part of what is fueling monster right now -- the demon inside of her is furious that I am doing so well and I am going to be fine... I think she may be angry that I am not as miserable as she is...)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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Hey Jer

Just thinking aloud here, I know when my W went full on Monster it was rough, in the early phases I was not a member here, I did not know how to handle it other than to meet her Monster head on with my Monster, I had a big scary one and we would have some epic battles. I know that is not what you are doing ... however as much as us LBS's just put on the spew jacket and wait out the storm ... there does come a point when you have grown (As you have) and you start realizing 'this has nothing to do with me' (As you have) The next step ... and this will help you later, is to start setting up a boundary in this area. With my wife, she would start ramping up, I would calmly tell her I will not be treated nor spoke to this way any longer and I would calmly end the conversation by either leaving .. or saying goodbye and hanging up.
Sure at first its rough, no joke I had 18 TM and 10 ignored calls one day ... but like a teenager sometimes you need to be the 'parent' ... they will test you. Looking back this was huge in my turn around, I started feeling more self esteem and self worth and though her and I have not spoken about this just yet ... I felt her actually respecting me more... again .. all slow and gradual and is to the point when a little monster starts up all it takes is a hand gesture and she stops.

Not saying put this in your arsenal now, but give it some thought ... like the DB principles .. do what works ... and ^^^^ worked for me in more ways than one.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Great advice Cali! I think I am at that point now... But most of the spew so far is just in emails from her... Long, rambling, "everything she thinks I've done wrong towards her and what a horrible person I am" emails... In person she just isn't speaking to me this week. Fun!

BTW -- in my replies to her I am refusing to respond to her accusations (which are false and irrational -- but very definitely her perception of reality right now) and refusing to play the defensive game -- just replying with short responses to direct questions regarding next legal steps -- very professional responses with very little emotion at this point.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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Jer2911 Offline OP
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Well, the other adult living in this house with me right now has said a total of about 5 words to me in about as many days... communication at this point is primarily via email -- even when we are in the same house together. She is also avoiding making eye contact with me and pretty much ignores me when we happen to be in the same room together. I guess in all fairness -- the same could be said for me since I am just trying to stay under the radar and not initiate any conversation.

It will be nice to take the kids to church tomorrow and to interact with some other adults while I am there :-)

Oh -- and the other fun thing she's done recently is put away all of the photos of us together. The family photos are still out -- but only because those are not directly in her line of site in the rooms she is in most often. We haven't even told the kids yet -- and all of the photos (there were quite a lot) of us together have been removed from view. MLC is SO much fun! On that note -- the plan is to tell the kids next weekend... and I heard from my MIL that yesterday when she and my FIL took the kids out to dinner, our oldest daughter was talking about when the laws will change so "my mommies can get married to each other"... But as my MLC-W will say "the kids are going to be just fine."

I can't get out of this house -- and away from the craziness -- fast enough... Just sad that my kids are going to be impacted by all of this.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
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Hey Jer

Hang on in there - you are really handling this so well.

Originally Posted By: Jer2911
Well, the other adult living in this house with me right now has said a total of about 5 words to me in about as many days... communication at this point is primarily via email -- even when we are in the same house together.


More like 4 kids and 1 adult me thinks! Your w is now in child zone so your kids need you to step up and be their stability, especially when you do tell them officially.

Keep going forwards, you are doing amazingly well, I admire your ability to remain in the same house and not snap! - its a real testament to you. ((hugs))

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