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Zues126 #2560851 04/25/15 01:14 PM
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Zeus, I'm curious about how you will parent your children 50% of the time while working 55 hours/week? Do you have back up child care?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2560865 04/25/15 02:02 PM
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No, I do not.

Quite simply, it will be very, very difficult. That is why I am getting so fired up.

I have a job where I can work from home a little of the time, so I can put in 10 of those hours after the kids are asleep, or on the nights I don't have them.

Some of my days with them will be weekends.

Some of the weekdays I have them I can potentially pick them up from school and quit for the day, or work a bit from home.

I may need to hire a babysitter some of the time, get some help from my parents on occasion.

I don't have it all figured out yet. I just had to decide what I was going to ask for. 4 days, 6, or 7 every two weeks. I decided I needed to ask for what I wanted, I'll find a way to cover the check later.

Another reason I need to crush it at work. I may need some hired help. Failing just isn't an option, I have to bust open a money pinata!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2560871 04/25/15 02:28 PM
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Zues, if you both have 50% parenting, then why is it you have to work 55 hours a week and she works zero? You know I'm in favor of being a SAHM, I'm in favor of alimony (within reason) but it doesn't seem like working a few hours a week would be a hardship on W if she only has the kids half the time. Are you accepting this just to prove you can do it? I know you love a good challenge. Is this what your L recommended?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2560880 04/25/15 02:48 PM
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I would have the kids 6/14 through the next school year, the we'd get to 50/50 around next summer. The youngest starts kindergarten after summer 16.

My STBX's L proposed that I support her entirely for a number of years. My L suggested we counter offer at 18 months. Then it will decrease.

From a financial sense it avoids child care costs. If I proposed a smaller offer up front and she got a job, she'd be incurring child care costs, then I'd end up paying more anyway.

From a strategic sense she said if I accepted the amount they offered at least for a short term, she might find it easier to accept because she'd know she'd be ok for a while.

As for her, things will be very tight on just what I provide, and you're right, she should have enough time to work a bit. But I believe she's not going to because she's afraid it would only decrease the support amount. Instead I know she'll be attacking government assistance programs aggressively.

All of this was strongly recommended by my L. The cool part is that my L gave me the courage to strive for 50/50. I had been prepared to accept much less time than that not too long ago. But to know that my rights with children is valued as much as hers was really uplifting. So while it will be tough, I wasn't prepared to accept less time together with my family than was right.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2560885 04/25/15 02:58 PM
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That seems well thought out and L's have seen a lot of variations so I'd tend to agree with him/her. Glad you are going for 50%, it's very common here, at least among my friend set.


Last edited by rppfl; 04/25/15 02:59 PM.


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SunnyB #2561041 04/26/15 01:16 AM
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Go with L and your own desires on this.

Zues clearly your kids mean so much to you. Your kids are for life, an S and two D, that is a fantastic dad.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2561172 04/26/15 06:57 PM
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First off, I want to thank all of the posters that have supported me and helped me on my journey. Equally I appreciate the positive comments for those that have said kind things about the progress I've made and that some of my words have been helpful to others.

I need to make it clear to any newbies reading my posts that I am not a vet, nor am I a finished product. The road to self improvement is truly a difficult one. Maybe some people lived fairly normal lives, but mine has been very twisted for a very long time, and it's not so easy to turn things around. So I want to address where I am, and where I need to continue to make changes.

The positive changes I've made. Hm. I think I've learned an awful lot about my past behavior, where it came from. I think I've learned to take care of myself, and reduced the expectations that my partner would do that for me. I have learned to be accountable for my own actions. I have learned to be more forgiving and less judgmental because I recognize that others have different views and are dealing with their own flaws and reactions to the pain they're in as well. I have SLOWED way down, and am not using hyper activity to avoid my feelings. I am addressing them head on. And I also have been avoiding pornography (with some serious setbacks).

Where I need to continue to grow. I would say I'm very conflicted, and I desire to alleviate that confliction.

On the one hand I truly want to heal, and want a healthy relationship with my future partner. I want to have a healthy sexual relationship. I want to truly overcome my desire for porn (vs. just abstaining).

On the other hand I sometimes doubt that's possible. So part of me still craves getting what I want. A woman that would be accepting of a pornography habit, and that would be very indulgent to my sexual desires and fantasies. Someone that would accept not only me, but the flaws that are inherent in me as well. When I'm feeling this way I find myself thinking things like "there are couples that are able to use porn together and still be functional, there are woman that would indulge my desires if in return I was accepting of their shortcomings".

What's difficult is that sometimes the line is blurry. I know I can't expect a woman to gratify my every desire. On the other hand, I have learned that I have the right to voice my needs and look for a partner that will validate and pair with me in a way that works for me. So sometimes it can be hard to tell what's a reasonable need versus an addictive and destructive desire. But while the line is blurry in some instances, it's very clear in others and it is just difficult because I haven't resolved all of this conflict within myself.

So when I talk about not dating for a LONG time after M, it isn't just that I'm trying to repress my desires, or that I'm uncomfortable voicing them. It's partly because I am still working on what I feel is appropriate for ME in MY life. I want to make sure that while I'm voicing my needs it is something I can feel is consistent with the person I want to be. And I need time both to sort that out, and to continue to outgrow the desires that don't have a place.

When I put this on paper I get very frustrated. Frustrated with how difficult it is to overcome. Scared that I'll either never overcome this and it will impact myself and my future R's (either with destructive behavior or with a perpetual frustration of desires that I can never satisfy that never abate).

But I keep going back to forgiving myself for not being able to change myself by myself, and believing that with faith it is possible. And that it takes time. So I am appreciative of my gift of time. I admit that I don't have it all figured out, or as step 1 of AA would say I am powerless against it, that I don't know how to manage myself. I am doing what I can to monitor my thinking, my behavior, and most importantly to be open to God's will for lack of better words. And I am trying to take good care of myself, reinvesting in self care, my R's with my children, and the job I need to execute to continue to meet my family's financial needs.

With all of that said I remain very appreciative of what I have been given. While I have my problems (both internally and in my outer life), I have been bestowed a lot of blessings. There is a road ahead of me yet I refuse to disrespect what I've been given by waiting to appreciate where I am. My family. A good job that I enjoy. Gifts that I get to celebrate and share with others. And the companionship of some tremendous allies along the road. Thank you all for being part of it.

Last edited by Zues126; 04/26/15 06:58 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2561177 04/26/15 07:14 PM
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Quote:
When I'm feeling this way I find myself thinking things like "there are couples that are able to use porn together and still be functional, there are woman that would indulge my desires if in return I was accepting of their shortcomings".


Yes, but I think you need to reframe a bit.

SHE would indulge your desires

IF

You were accepting of her SHORTCOMINGS.

?????

What is your vision of a healthy, mutual respectful relationship?

In my vision, I want my partner to love and honor me. To work with me so as not just to be accepting (read: tolerating) of my "shortcomings" -- not to be sitting in judgment of me and the ways I'm imperfect -- but loving me as a whole person, in total, taking my flaws as flip sides of my strengths.

One of your strengths is that you are a high achiever. The flip side of that is that you sometimes come across as boastful or self-important. One of my strengths is that I'm highly competent. The flip side of that is I don't always ask for or accept help when I should.

Indulging your sexual desires, to me, should not be an exchange for your acceptance of your partner. I hope you find someone who is sexually compatible with you, and that she stays that way. You shouldn't attempt to partner up with someone who isn't. But you definitely should not attempt to partner with someone whose shortcomings you have to make an effort to accept, because that pretty much assures you won't be able to see her strengths. And if you can't see and appreciate her strengths, then it can't be a real partnership and you'll only be setting yourself up for another cr@ppy marriage.

Glad you're feeling hopeful these days.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2561193 04/26/15 08:19 PM
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Well said Maybell. That set off a big red flag for me, too. We all need someone we are sexually compatible with, it can't be a trade off for other things. And as far as tolerating her shortcomings, well, recipe for disaster. My former boss/priest/friend has a whole sermon on that topic.

But Zues, I like the path you are on these days. Lots of thought put into things. Good job.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2561198 04/26/15 08:32 PM
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Thanks for the replies.

I can see how I come off as boastful. I'm sure it's origins are defensive, trying to compensate for areas I know I struggle. It's good to know that's how it comes off.

The comments about exchanging the acceptance of some deficiency in a partner in return for reciprocation- those are thoughts I have when I doubt my ability for a healthy relationship. That isn't what I want. What I want is the type of relationship you describe. Those outlooks linger when I doubt my ability to achieve a healthier R. When you've struggled with addiction for 20 years it's hard to believe things can be different, and when I doubt myself sometimes I think that's the best R I'll be able to achieve.

(Edited to try to find the right words- to put it simply, there are times I think "I need to find a woman with such problems she'll put up with mine." So when I feel I can't fix my own problems, there are times I feel like the best I'll do is to pair up with a woman that has her own addiction issues, and we can form a nice dysfunctional pairing.)

I do appreciate you talking about your vision of a healthy R. It's nice to hear what that looks like from someone's point of view that isn't fighting those inner battles.

Last edited by Zues126; 04/26/15 08:39 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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