skhdive I haven't read up on your sitch up to present, but from what I gathered from the last page it seemed he wasn't deep in an affair. So, no, I'm not saying go dark. I would say detach and do so after reading detachment post on
When I went dark for one day in the early stages of my situation, wife flooded me with emails at work and chatting about this that and the other. However, now that I've turned to that again, its like she doesn't care and I think a big part of the don't care is that she is more than likely in an affair and if not is getting attention from other guys.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
My situation is that he moved out 3 months ago. Last summer he was talking/texting with OW. He said it was just friends. He said he quit texting her. So we started working on our M and it just went down hill from there. The anger surfaced directed at me and other people notice it too like when we went to my child's concert last evening my sister said the anger just radiates off of him. He tries to keep it in check but you can see it in his face. He clenches and unclenches his fists.
He used to wrestle around with our child and now he will a little and then he gets mad. I watch his face and it just changes.
Has your husband been checked over by his GP? Thyroid check and the what not? I would suggest that, if you can. I would also research the role anger plays in depression and other mental illnesses.
I'm not saying that he is mentally ill, but there seems to be a link between them.
Just throwing it out there from personal experience.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
You whole situation socks right now. But you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your child.
In my situation I filed for D because I did not want to be on my H mercy to deposit money or let us stay in a house. My financial situation right now is not very good and I need his income for us to keep the life the kids and I have.
I filed for security. I got professional advice, then I researched a few attorneys to hire one that made more sense to me.
My H can no longer hurt us financially. He has OW and I was not sure how far it could go. At first my H tried to blame me for what was happening to him. I left him alone since the beginning, I never put myself in his way and then finally he stopped.
I always said to him that if this is what he wants then I would not stay in his way. I never asked him for any favor, I handle the kids as much as I need and don't ask for his opinion in anything.
Soon, he will need to pay for not being there. Yes, he is not a present father, then he will need to pay with money for his absence. I am pressing him hard with the law in my side. I really do not care about his needs right now.
I agree with Cadet about his anger being projected into you. It's like when a teenager explode in big rage against their parents. Love & Logic! Your aggression will always be first at the ones you love and are close to you.
Your H is dealing with a turmoil of emotions right now. He probably does not know what he wants, what he is doing or what is happening to him. Like Cadet said, he is in Denial and he will not see things clear until he gets back to being normal again.
It takes time, take patience. You are doing the right thing even tough it is very hard. The pain is strong and feels like the poison will kill you at any given day, but day to day you will find strength to get one more day done.
Your H probably hates seeing you happy. Things were not good for him in your M, he got involved with someone else and God knows what else. My H is using drugs for example. Now he is the bottom of the well and he does not know how to get out. He will need to work hard on himself, he will need to face his failures and his mistakes and then he will be able to look at the M situation and make a conscious decision.
Live your life the best way you can now. Slowly you will detach and things will be a little better. Give yourself time too, you are hurt and need time to clean all what is hurting you. Give love to your child, they are just victims of these whole mess.
Talk to us, we are here to help each other. One day you need help and the other one you will give help.
Wow that was really motivating advice from you guys. Thanks so much. You are right I get stronger every day.
H has been texting me since last Thursday when we agreed we were done. Last weekend he brought me a sandwich for breakfast and lunch and we had family time on Sunday his choice not mine. What the heck? It's like he did a 180 but I can still see the anger under the surface and I am not buying it.
Yesterday he spent an hour texting me about different motorcycles and wanting my opinion. Still not buying it because I see its all about him. I am nice but not overly and I don't contact him first and I am not expecting anything from him. In my mind I am detaching and doing my thing.
I don't understand all the communication over the last 3 days but whatever.
And more texts today however they all revolve around motorcycles that he is interested in. Not sure why he is sharing this with me but it makes me wonder if there is maybe not a OW? Wouldn't he be sharing that with her or am I getting my hopes up?
Ok so today he text me and might buy a motorcycle finally. Whatever, now he wants me to pick him up and take him back to pick up truck and then drive him back for motorcycle and he will take me to lunch. I am guessing maybe there isn't another OW as wouldn't he have her do this for him?
I probably shouldn't even go there. I will just maintain my detachment because I do much better with that then thinking anything is changing.
If it does not bother you too much or don't disturb you own day, I would say you do all the picking up and driving and then have lunch with him.
That's some opportunity to do "as IF" and "180s", dress nice, look good, be polite, be a little happy, show with actions that you are feeling pretty good, show some interest for his talking, look him in the eyes, enjoy your time. Who knows what is he looking for?
I agree with you that being detached is the best approach, if you can then it will help you to talk nicely with him.
Ok so we went to lunch and he was happy and almost like old self except he kept talking about all the trips him and "the guys" who all have motorcycles want to take which obviously excludes me or that they will meet their wives in Florida on their bikes. No indication of me going which is fine. I didn't say anything only that that was a long way to drive.
I stayed upbeat and nonjudgmental although it was hard to do. I keep wondering who else will ride on the back of his bike? Again, I must just focus on me because that is something I can't control.
Also I can't forget all the mean and crazy things he has done and that he has moved out. He was happy and half normal today because he just bought a motorcycle. They say you can't buy happiness so I imagine this will fade and all the anger will come back and be directed at me again. But today proves that the anger is not caused by me as he was happy and I was there and that proves it.
