Its been an interesting week for me. Communications with the ex have taken some turns, but seem to be improving. I have been setting the record straight with her when ever she reacts wrong to something rather than turning the other cheek. It seems to be helping to clear the air. She has started to actually share some information about things going on with in her life. Her aunt died and she was telling me how after her divorce she went on to have male friends and also traveled a great deal. I found it interesting that she would bring this up. It felt to me like she was trying to talk her self into how great things are going to be for her. It feels like she is trying to prop up her decisions. I suspect there may be some level, deep down, where she might be starting to question what she has done. I don't know if this is a normal part of the process? I still continue to be the person I am becoming. I continue to be the best father I can be even if it kills me. I continue to move forward and hope to have at least a reasonable relation with her.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Does a mlcer subconsciously start to question their decisions before they openly question them? Is it out of fear to face what they have done that they try to prop themselves up? Is this a common stage of the process?
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
LT, Yes, they do begin to question their decisions. In some cases, if the LBS can sit quietly and just listen, you will hear the MLCer think things over out loud. They don't even realize that they are doing it. I don't think at this time it's fear of what they've done, but rather just trying to rationalize in their fuzzy minds why they've done certain things. I do think that fear does come into play when they begin to reach out to the people that they distanced themselves from at the beginning of the crisis. They fear rejection and being judged by others. They fear that the LBS will constantly remind them of what they've done, thus many MLCers will not return for that reason. It's a lot of work for both the MLCer and the LBS and some can't move beyond the destruction and, of course, trust issues.
Yes, it is a very common stage in the process. BTW, they questions themselves throughout the process...but what they do w/the answers...well, they attempt to shut off the thinking process by continuing on w/the replay activities or finding things to keep their minds focused on that particular thing. Being alone or at night is the worse time for them because that is when the thought processes go into over drive for them.
Continue to sit quietly, listen to what she has to say and offer no advice unless she asks for it.
You've been doing a great job! Continue moving forward.
What I find so hard to do is to see the forest through the trees in my own situation. I suspect this is true for all of us who are going through this. It is easy to see what other people are doing and give advice and encouragement. But in my own case I question what I am doing and is it effective. I also question at times continuing. I feel that not only am I dealing with the ex, but also the negative influence of her family and even my own girls. I know they all think they are helping her and defending her, but don't realize the results will probably not be what they want.
Thanks job
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
1) Totally believes what they are doing without much concern to anything else in their way.
2) Feels there is something wrong, but can't quite put their finger on it. Will show a little clarity ocassionally but still basically lost.
3) Knows their is something wrong and searches for the tools. Will find some tools that help themselves but not the internal strength to steer them out of the tunnel.
4) Knows something is wrong, acquires the tools and does the hard work to get to the other side.
Lets use simple math then 1/4 make it, thats 25%. I think that number is still high for MLC but it gives us a clue about how hard this journey is.
I understand how hard it is to access your own situation. and yes you are dealing with an ex, her family and then the kids and negative influence. I think it just human nature for family to stand behind whatever they do and so it seems they perpetuate her journey in a negative way just by the indifference.
The only thing I can add about MLC and this was just in my own case. I wanted to make it out. I didn't want to be this way for the rest of my life. It felt like a do or die situation to me. I don't know if all MLC'ers feel that way or not.
I've read your threads. You have a firm grasp of your situation. You are a model of what we are supposed to be in life. I know at times that can seem hollow. Sometimes we have to hang on to that one grain of sand in life that is leading us in the right direction. I hear your struggle, all I can say is that I think you are moving in the right direction.
Don't mean to hijack LT but I have a question. The ones that runaway and practically vanish - Do you think it is b/c they are categories 1 or 2?
I want to stand for my marriage but honestly not sure if in reality H will ever find his way back. H walked out and still won't admit he is living with OW. He treats D's as detached as he treats me. It is bizarre.
Just wondering and sorry to hijack.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen (apologies for threadjack) but a good while back someone identifed MLCers in their early stages as either Dropouts (vanishers) Drop-ins - those who stay at home pretty much throughout the crisis (or would if not sometimes ejected by their exasperated spouse), and Droplets who come and go/stay in intermittent contact - again if permitted.
My xh was a vanisher. Now he is in sporadic contact with me - so who knows?? It is out of our control that is for sure.
Life, I'll answer this one question since it was asked so this gets back to being your thread.
I think your H fits in category one. Running away and vanishing is typical. Who would want to turn around and see the destruction they have caused.
I think it was Job that hit on the late at night thing. I think all MLC'ers have visits by their demons late into the night....I know I did!! The category 1's have a way of numbing it and then keep running.
It's been 5 + years since my EXW ran from me and our kids after a 24 year marriage and what I thought was a closenit family unit. I would label my journey bizarre, but then again I lived bizarre from the MLC side as well. I do have empathy for MLC'ers. It's not a mind you would want to visit.
