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Hey Mighty - sounds like you're doing awesome. I totally agree with the doing better without any contact thing. As hard as it is, I start to focus so much more on my own life than what he's doing. I have had enough of the 'spinning' and I now know what sets me off. I don't want to waste any more days spinning - I think we've both had enough of those days. Keep doin' what you're doin' Mighty. You're on your way. (P.S. - I talk to myself too sometimes. I run across people at the store doing it too!)


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Quote:
I didn't see xh. But d14 said she saw him and she didn't look in that direction again bc it made her sick. And he looked weird. He was dressed weird


Lol - maybe he was wearing a raspberry beret, as one MLCer here famously did smile

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D@rn, kml beat me to this… I was just going to mention the raspberry beret, LOL.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi gb & live- thanks for the props! Live, next time I will think that I am talking to you, knowing you are somewhere talking back! Gb.... Boots to sandals and back to boots. Darn it!

Ellie & bright- no. No. Stop. Wait... A... No.. Like, really... No. A raspberry beret?? The kind you find in a second hand store?

Wow.

I don't think he looked THAT weird. But it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Overload yesterday.... Text, game, d14 talking about him... The. Bil called me last night. Whew! He's great. Love him to death. He has made it clear that we are family forever. He lives out of state. I haven't spoken to him in a few months. I am pretty sure he is trying to stay clear of the drama. Who can blame him? I am too! He just said he doesn't really talk to xh about that stuff anymore. Weather it's true or not, I'm not worried about it. I know it's the only person xh has to talk to and trusts. But I'm not really thinking about it. He just said xh made a decision and it is what it is. Makes me a little sick. But I know it's the truth. Whatever - not even going to go there.

Still dreaming about this baby.... Ugh.... Wish it would stop!

Happy Friday!

Peace

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You're doing great, M.

I want you to hold onto these thoughts. You will not always feel as you do now. One day, you will feel peace and joy. I know that feels a long way off, but, it will happen.

Mighty, all of the emotions we feel going through this help to propel us forward, if we let them.

The anger, the sadness and disbelief..all of them. It is when we hold onto any one that we stay stuck. We dont want to live in them.

It is important to try to remember, when you are able, that the years you spent with him are real. They matter.

Who he is now is not the man you loved for so long. It is sad, really, who they become. But I always tried to think, when I could, about how that must be for them. I could not imagine becoming someone totally different than who I was and act in a way completely different than what I once believed was right.

So, I get the anger for you right now. It keeps the emotions from completely getting through.

But there will be a day when you are good and strong, where you could remember those days with love. It's important to do that for a few reasons. If you dont, you become bitter and angry. If you dont, then you dont honor the marriage as it was. If you dont, you become someone you dont really want to be.

You arent there yet, but, I know you will be one day.

I have placed my marriage and its memories safely in a box and stored in lovingly on a shelf.

I have, after much time and a lot of work, learned to forgive my xh. I have separated all that he did from the person he once was.

I am not going to lie, I still can get a bit angry from time to time when I continue to struggle financially from his actions, but, it is fleeting now.

I wish you peace one day, M, because you deserve it. I wish you strength because you are capable of so much of it. I wish for you to realize just how magnificent you are.

But mostly, I wish that you see yourself as we do. Someone filled with such heart and love and compassion. Someone who is ok after such enormous pain and heartache.

Keep moving forward, M. The world awaits...lucky world.

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Hi uR. I just had this post I'd typed to you. You know- one of the most amazing ones ever (ok, so it wasn't, but who'd know?) and it went- poof! Be-gone!

The crux of it was..... Well first, thank you for your post. It was really, really nice. Towards the end.. I had tears in my eyes.

And then something happened- I went a bit on a tangent (surprised?) about how I just feel so uncomfortable w compliments. Even physically uncomfortable. I am so insecure these days about that kind of thing. I'm not bringing this up for attention or bc I feel sorry for myself or anything like that. I just have physical pains when someone says something nice to me and I just don't know what to believe about anything any more.

Let me add- this sounds a lot more screwed up than I am... I think....

Just doing a little internal digging.

Anyway. uR- I know you don't say things you don't mean, and you are not obligated to say anything nice- or anything at all, for that matter. However, I just have a hard time when someone says something nice about me. I feel like they have to bc they are my friend or it just seems like the right thing to do.

I'm also not devulging this bc I feel sorry for myself. That's not the case at all. I'm not a victim of anything other than circumstance. And that's not a victim. It just happens to be my life right now. We all have things. But, more so, I guess, is that I am ok- I'm not crying about my flaws I am who I am. But when taken out of that comfort zone, and getting a compliment or something... Eeeks! What is wrong?

Ok, uR, the box analogy. Exactly how I picture it with my marriage. I wrapped up that part of my past in a box w a pretty ribbon. I want to preserve it. It's a wonderful thing. Everything from that point until now- I want to release it. Be gone! I don't want that in my life! That's why it's so hard to see xh now. What he represents is pain now. This stranger who he has become is not the guy in the box, and I don't want him in my life.

The past few days have been ok. I see my life further and further from him. It makes me very sad if I really think about it like that, but it feels good to be moving on w my own life. I have though here and there- wondered if he is truly happy there. It's so hard to imagine, yet, I just don't know him anymore. Maybe he was lying to me when he said he was miserable there, it doesn't feel like it, but who really knows? I don't think he would have gone back if he didn't see a future. But, I also don't think he thinks long-term either. But he saw something. It's not easy, but, it's that way and so.... Whatever.

I know he is in crisis, but I mean, really? I can't even....

I have plans. Been doing much more. However, coming home alone can be sad. When you are w people and having a good time- coming home to a silent dark house, then trying to fill the time with the same happiness you were just feeling around others- and now you are alone. Ick. I'm a people person. That's one of my biggest challenges. And yet, I have my guard up like I'm Fort Knox and don't know if I'd ever let anyone in.

Crap. I should move in w a therapist. I'd be like Bill Murray in What About Bob.

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Mighty, I am from Brooklyn. We mean what we say, we say what we mean. Its just easier that way.

Being truthful is something extremely important to me. It always was..it is even more so since all of this happened.

So, please trust me when I say that I write from my heart, but, I dont say things just to be nice. That serves no one well.

I saw things in you from the start. And I want you to know that I completely understand what you mean when you say you have a hard time getting compliments from someone. I was like that my whole life. The truth is that I never felt I deserved them.

I realized, through a lot of hard work, that its ok to accept them. I would like to think that for the most part, people are sincere. I am not saying that there arent people who blow smoke up ones..you know. But mostly, people mean it.

It was a process to get there. And I still have trouble from time to time. It isnt easy to accept compliments for me. It is out of my comfort zone.

As far as your xh, I would venture to say that someone in crisis, in a relationshp built on lies and deceit, who has lost his relationship with his children and the person who had his back for years, isnt happy. How could he be? But, that isnt your problem, right?

I know its lonely coming home to a quiet house. Trust me, I do.
And I so get the walls being up. Did I tell you that I mastered in walls? Got a PHD in it. Still my achilles heal, to be honest. It's how I survived my difficult life. I grew to like my walls. They were pretty colors. smile.

This journey helped me to take them down..sometimes a brick at a time, sometimes whole rows. If I am honest, they arent down all the way. It is my go to..its what I know. But I am getting there... and you will, too.

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Hey ya'll! Geesh! Lotsa good discussions on the board these days. And some newbies. It's hard for me to respond sometimes. I feel, like my hot momma friend GB, who has so much to offer, but I question what can I say to anyone? Then, sometimes, it stings so much to read, as it brings me back to a place I'm not fully prepared to address. For my own personal... weaknesses?

Anyway, there are some amazing people who I see coming so far. And doing so well with the craziness of dealing with MLC land.

I question so many things all the time now. Like... every thing.

But first, I want to say that things with me are ok. My GAL is gaining momentum. And... I'm finding some new things to participate it, which I'm pretty excited about. However, as good and as excited as I get, I still get moments of hesitation, withdrawal, and a feeling of... well... I don't need to... I see myself find an excuse of why not to... but, I'm definitely overcoming that. Xh was master of it. I wasn't. Prior, that is. But, I found a way to adapt some of his behaviors throughout the years. I always wanted him to be more comfortable than I cared about myself. Add those habits to my new found insecurities, and well.... its been interesting trying to re-establish myself. I've found- really, just don't put too much thought into it. And, I'm not using the above as an excuse... just my feelings I've noticed. And, hey, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right?

Went for a run tonight. It's been quite awhile. And with that, I didn't think about it. I just jumped up, threw on a pair of sneakers, threw in my earbuds and took off.

The kids and I are really becoming so close. We always have, but with a different dynamic. For so long, especially last year this time... there was such an obvious void. Then things got pretty crazy for awhile. Now, we just enjoy ourselves like this. And we are much more relaxed. (S18 even said its better this way w/o xh's intensity) It made me sad, and if I could have things the way they used to be....well...I don't entirely know... I'd have to rethink that thought.

But, anyway, we enjoy each other, and I think we quietly acknowledge it now. How much we enjoy the new dynamic. We all have the same sense of humor.

On the other side of the coin, I still think of xh. And I realized that i think there is still a small percentage of me thinking of his regrets. Perhaps that is, in a way, still holding me back in a way. As I move on... move forward... there are still some things that pull me tightly. Some things that I still need to cut lose. I think, wondering of his regrets is part of it.

Since bd- my heart has gone out to him. More than anything, I put his feelings first. How terrible he must feel. I saw how torn he was. But, maybe now, I am starting to look at things differently, maybe some of it was show. He must have been riding high at some points with her. He just didn't show that to me. In fact, I gave him so much slack, he had the opportunity to do whatever... i just went with his word.

But, what I saw was the tormented side. I got the real him. What I knew. The struggle. I didn't know exactly what or why, but my heart went out to him. I knew he needed space and time to figure it out.

He didn't. Nor did he have space or time.

So when the nuke hit... dang it... my heart was still with him. I knew- that's not what he wanted! Crap! What now?

Disaster.

That's what.

So... I spent months... well... a year... giving him what he "wanted" space. Even though he continued to try to contact. I gave him what he wanted. And. What he was told. It is so clear to see the control she had. But... whatever... she sukks.. so who cares about that.

Now... after getting an ear full of that... part of me still goes a little crazy. Now... it is a little.. but a little is enough to drive you crazy!

I just want to move on. I really do. He. The person I knew. My husband. That guy seems so remote from my life now. But the person he was is still so close to my heart and spirit. But where is he? I just can't even imagine an appearance.

And, what I have to go on now- is actions. That's it. And.. they say a lot. So why is there still part of me that wonders what he thinks?

Is it bc he still texts d14 and is adamant to know what she is doing? And not in a way to know about her... but what "we" are doing?

Is it bc I am pretty sure I still see him drive by the house?

Is it bc he still tried to keep daily contact w me- but I had to totally cut him off?

Is it bc the last time we talked in person he cried and said he didn't know what he was doing?

Is it bc he said he has feelings for me?

Is it bc everything he said to me over those months were the thoughts I had and though he was feeling over the months he was gone?

BC he admitted he did this bc he was depressed and thought he was in a MLC and asked me what was going to happen to him next?

Mabye bc I cant believe the guy I spent all of my adult life and more than half my life w, I can't see him really being happy...

That he has done to my kids what he said more times than I can count, "I would never do that to them." "I just look at them and wonder how my dad could have done that."

Maybe bc I feel in my heart, so deeply, that this is so wrong and that I know he feels it too.

And yet... am I delusional? He has a new family. He has a child with this.... thing. He lives in a beautiful house with her and her son and their daughter. He is not even a father to our children anymore. We divorced via one text, "I made an appointment with a mediator." without ANY discussion! And we didn't even see a mediator, we talked, over the phone, while he was in monstser- and out of town- as I wrote things in a notebook, and had a lawyer draw it up, and that was it.

He went to my l office, signed the document there w/o reading it, (which my l said it would never happen) and that was it. It takes 30 days in my state. No discussion needed.

Done.

Clearly, he does not respect me. Our marriage. Our family. My children. Our history. Our 20 years together. What was our future. Everything we worked for- from poverty.

Wow. Where is this coming from? I have let it go.. as in... let it out over the last 9 months... and yet, it still seeps out. Not like it did... that was a rushing waterfall.

So, when I see him drive by, what am I to think? I don't think much, but I do think, in a way, it does hold part of me back. I feel for him. So much. I think it tears me up so much. But, I have to remember how much he has hurt me. The choices he has made, which has hurt me and my kids so much. Damn it. Where is this coming from right now? UGH!

I see the pain in my kids. I know they hurt. They are like me though and make jokes. I just don't know what to do. I mean, we have established ourselves as a family revised. And we are doing so well together. We love and respect each other so much. But, I worry what is really brewing inside. I dont' think they know nor know how to access it right now. S18 had his period of rebellion from it. But, what else is to come?

I just don't know. I am so ready to move on. My kids are ready to move on. Does my empathy towards xh still hold me back? Is part of me still stuck?

Geesh... this is tough stuff. Mostly I'm OK. The fact that he has a new family remix is really confusing and hard to really wrap my head around still. It throws me in so many directions... it's kind of crazy. It's a true emotional f.

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Yes it is, Mighty. But honestly, I think it starts with wanting to let go. Then you do.

How's the rest and quiet time coming along? Still making time for that?

Keep up the exercise. Don't stop doing that as it will help to release the frustration and anger.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hi, AJ, my buddy! And, I totally... TOTALLY get what you are saying about forgiveness. I just get it. And... that's where I'm at, ironically... the letting go. I can let go and be OK. Where the forgiveness fits in, is when I see action from him. That's where it's funny.. he showed remorse and apologized... then did it again. So... forgiveness isn't an option now. Perhaps in the future we will get to that point. I do think he feels a sort of remorse for hurting me... not for his actions... but whatever. Right now it's about letting go.

I think you can get to a good, healthy place with acceptance. Without anger and bitterness. Still be pleasant... whatever..

I just want peace. I want separation from him. At this point, I feel like I want an eternity of it. But not in an angry, bitter way. Just bc I can't bear to see who he is now.

Anyway.. OMG, AJ! I looked into Maui Thai classes. I found a place, not too far away. I am so excited about it! As a teen, I always wanted to take boxing lessons... but... that's kind of dated now... and I found Maui Thai! It looks like a great place! I like that stuff. I like watching MMA, too. I got tickets in Chicago last year for xh and I to go... plane tickets and everything for xmas. He backed out the night before. (I know now, hww wouldn't let him go w his wife). Whatever... his loss. He loves that stuff too. Any way... my kids want to do it too. I found this place... and the instructor is soooooo hot! Ha! I know, I know. But if we are going to do it, its going to be THERE! Mmmm Hmmmm....

I am actually excited about it. My sleep has been a little better. I am fully aware that it is my thoughts that keep me awake. Not that I am thinking of things, necessarily, which keep me awake, it is the loss of control of thoughts when i fall asleep. I take 5-10 minute naps here and there.. I can fall into a deep sleep in a minute, only to be jolted awake with adrenaline pumping.

Not so fun, but I'm sure it will get better. Plus, I'm sick of looking like crap. I want to look better, so I know I need sleep!

Are you sorry you asked? Yeesh...

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